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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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My mom is the primary caregiver and my dad constantly fights with her about medications, reacts to his hallucinations and accuses her of infidelity. Would their situation change if they didn't live together or she wasn't the primary caregiver?
It is possible for a couple to live together when one of them has dementia. It is possible for a spouse to be a very effective caregiver.
It is also possible that the symptoms of dementia are such that the person cannot realistically live at home.
Each case must be judged on its own merits.
How old are your parents? Is your father getting any drug treatment for any of his symptoms? How long has he had dementia? Do you know what kind of dementia? Is there any in-home care at this point? -- housekeeping, laundry, a bath aide, some respite care to give Mom time to herself?
Has Mom had any training in caring for someone with dementia? Has she joined a caregiver group? How is her own health? How does she feel about her caregiving role?
I'm sorry for so many questions, but more detail would help you receive more specific responses.
There will come a time, and you may already be there, that mom should not be caring for dad. It sounds as if dad could easily escalate and hurt your mom. Mom feels obligated to care for him, but she needs to be honest with herself about whether she can and when she should stop. More importantly, does she want to care for him? Does she have any help from anyone?
straykat, separating them won't stop the hallucinations, but it WILL protect your mother from harassment and abuse. Dad needs to be in a secure memory care facility. Soon he will wander away and that could get dicey.
I have visited residential care homes where couples were accommodated. Choose your ALF carefully, and it could be that your mother will be able to continue to live with your father, but with all the help and support she needs on hand. IF that's what she would want, of course - has she voiced any preferences?
If not, it's time to start the discussion. It doesn't sound as if the present situation can be allowed to continue: not safe for either of them. Best of luck x
i like countryrodents reply. im seeing aging care centers transforming at an astonishing pace to accomodate current american needs. had a great chat with a married couple at ednas facility the other day. they wondered when their 40 yr old son would outgro meth. i told em when he gets tired of looking at block walls. the law knows what the h*** theyre doing imo. thanks yobama for tackling american healthcare with every d** conviction you possess.. he got medical records digitized in 3-1/2 years. thats some heavy s**t..
ive seen the future of medicine at indy va. sent em an email last night and told em my ambien had expired. putting a real dent in my sleepdriving. AND my right elbow and left wrist are pretty much toast from occupational strain. they wrote back today and have renewed my ambien and set up an april appt to look at my worn out assed joints.. id like some greasable bearings in this elbow and wrist. f**k the dumb s**t ..
To answer the question, would it make a difference if your mother was not caregiving 24/7 regarding your father's behavior...it all depends on the type of relationship, dynamics your parents have in their relationship. My mother was and has always been very controlling...when dad developed Alz and got where eating was an issue, mom would nag him. What I am saying is there relationship was a power issue from day one. In their case, having someone else be the caregiver was the logical choice because eating, bathing, changing clothes was no longer a power issue with my father.
My mother now has Alz. She has been combative, difficult to say the least and because I "KNOW" my mother well...she is sweet as pie with people outside the family, having someone else caregive for her is the best solution. We still advocate, and are very involved in her day to day care but we do not have the stress of having to fight with her to take the meds, to eat, to bathe, to change clothes. There are still problems with her, but not like it was when she was still living at home. This site is not about judging others and their choices, it is about giving support regardless if we agree or not. Hang in there and make your choices wisely.
Thank you all for the thoughtful responses. My parents live in the Philippines and this website has been my only resource to help my mom and dad. My dad hasn't been assessed properly yet but from what I've been reading, it looks like he may have dementia. Wheels are in motion to get him proper assessment but things are slower and the situation for my mom is getting more urgent. She is learning to be more distant and not take things personally. She has someone in the house to help her with the housework and the lifting of Dad from his bed. Otherwise, she is doing all the primary care for Dad. Dad can still take a bath on his own. Our priority as their children is to make sure they are both looked after. My mother doesn't have any power issues. Sometimes I think she is too nice. I know they are very much in love and want to live together till the end. I also wonder if Dad would deteriorate faster is they didn't live together.
Dad also is a lot nicer to Mom in their bedroom and becomes mean outside of the bedroom. Has anyone experienced this?
What worries me in your post is the fact that he accuses her of infidelity. It seems to me that no matter how much she tries to change the subject or ignore, that's an issue where escalation could occur. My uncle had dementia; my aunt insisted she could care for him at home. Everyone thought things wereaall right until someone noticed how bruised her arms were. He was striking her to get the key to the door which she wore around her neck to prevent his wandering. Don't let it get to that point with your mom.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
It is also possible that the symptoms of dementia are such that the person cannot realistically live at home.
Each case must be judged on its own merits.
How old are your parents? Is your father getting any drug treatment for any of his symptoms? How long has he had dementia? Do you know what kind of dementia? Is there any in-home care at this point? -- housekeeping, laundry, a bath aide, some respite care to give Mom time to herself?
Has Mom had any training in caring for someone with dementia? Has she joined a caregiver group? How is her own health? How does she feel about her caregiving role?
I'm sorry for so many questions, but more detail would help you receive more specific responses.
If not, it's time to start the discussion. It doesn't sound as if the present situation can be allowed to continue: not safe for either of them. Best of luck x
thanks yobama for tackling american healthcare with every d** conviction you possess.. he got medical records digitized in 3-1/2 years. thats some heavy s**t..
Each case must be assessed individually. We need more information about this couple.
My mother now has Alz. She has been combative, difficult to say the least and because I "KNOW" my mother well...she is sweet as pie with people outside the family, having someone else caregive for her is the best solution. We still advocate, and are very involved in her day to day care but we do not have the stress of having to fight with her to take the meds, to eat, to bathe, to change clothes. There are still problems with her, but not like it was when she was still living at home. This site is not about judging others and their choices, it is about giving support regardless if we agree or not. Hang in there and make your choices wisely.
Dad also is a lot nicer to Mom in their bedroom and becomes mean outside of the bedroom. Has anyone experienced this?
Once again, thank you everyone.
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