This man is the most STUBBORN old geyser on the planet!!!
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With Dad's COPD, the doctor has instructed him to wear his oxygen 24/7. After MUCH begging, pleading and extra money, I was able to finally get him approved for one of the nice portable concentrators because Dad was afraid to use the traditional oxygen tanks (though the backpack for it was quite stylish).
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For the last year, Dad would only wear the portable whenever I would take him out (because I would force him), but refused to wear it in the ALF (to go to meals, etc.) As Dad's condition worsens, it's to the point where he honestly CAN'T be without the portable unit, and he's had horrible shortness of breath episodes in the dining area lately when he doesn't wear it. As a result, the ALF staff has pretty much told him he can't leave the room without it.
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I don't know if this is dementia. I would think not since Dad flat out told me he doesn't WANT to wear the portable tank, but he has now essentially punished himself -- refusing to go out of the room for meals since he has to wear the oxygen.
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I've tried to be diplomatic and tell him no one is looking at him or talking about him. I've even tried to use examples of other ALF patients that have much worse conditions than Dad but don't let that restrict them from going out, but he's dug in his heels.
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Of course, his answer to the dilemma would be for me to come and take him out since he's "comfortable" with me and I don't mind his oxygen. SERIOUSLY?!?!?
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So (angrily), I told him if he wanted to sit in the room and rot it was his choice, but he was punishing himself.
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Why can't he just wear the stupid oxygen?
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Any suggestions on where I could find someone to help with this? He tends to listen to others. I'm always the bad guy.
You need to put on YOUR oxygen mask, live your life and back away.
What will be will be. If things become bad enough, the AL will call 911. He will be sent to the hospital.
I can tell you that you shouldn't show up and let the social workers there arrange for the State to take guardianship of your very sadly mentally and physically ill father. But that advise will probably fall on deaf ears.
Let the AL do what they are paid d*mm good $ every month to do: Provide His Care. Dad will be fine. You will be fine. You might even enjoy your new-found free time, if you put your mind to it.
If Dad has a true health crisis or needs to go to the ER, the 24-hr staff will see to it. If Dad is simply being a brat, the staff is thick-skinned enough to handle him. They might even outsmart him. :-)
Remember, the AL staff gets to clock out after 8 hours and put it all behind them. Dad is not destroying their psyches with a 40+ year Grand Guignol Theatre of mind games and emotional abuse. Dad might even be savvy enough to figure that out and drop the charade.
Funny how our elders can be too senile to write a check or heat up a can of soup, but they are sharp enough to (try to) manipulate the "last man standing." Happens all the time. As evidenced by...... this entire forum!
Don't blow this opportunity to take a break, Tinyblu. I mean it!
P.S. -- This is also a good opportunity to reset how much future time and sweat and heartache you intend to pour into this black hole. (Hence my screen name.) HUGS!!!
Have you ever had a try of it yourself? It's not like inhaling balsam, you know. It's uncomfortable and cumbersome and a pain. It's possible he ends up with a sore airway and a thumping headache and is plain fed up with it.
It's also possible that the additional drag of having to move himself *and* cart the unit around is more than he feels up to. Can someone take it to the dining room for him, maybe, and get him settled with it once he's seated at table?
Does this ALF happen to have a smoker's area on the grounds? Will they let you do harm to yourself by smoking, but not by making choices about your oxygen? If he refused to take a certain medicine would they confine him to his room? Exactly what choices are you allowed to make about your own health?
Your dad obviously knows this is not good for him. He sees the natural consequences of being very short of breath.
I know very well that you and the ALF have only his best interests at heart. I probably would try to force the issue as you have when he goes out with you. ("It makes me too nervous to enjoy our outing when I worry when you are going to have shortness of breath.")
But somehow it just seems inherently wrong to not allow competent adults to make their own health decisions.
Does that bother anyone else?
I agree with you that it would be absolutely wrong for them to prevent him moving about freely. But then there's the next issue: how much assistance must/can they provide to help him get about without it?
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