He is in an Alzheimers unit of an assistated living home. his wife lives in an apt in the Assisted living and has the POA. However, Dad wants to move 4 hrs. away to be near me, his 50 yr old daughter. Does the the POA decision to have him in an Alzheimers unit override my Dads wishes?? He is lonely, she doesn't visit much says it makes her feel bad.?? He needs some loving family to visit and bring him home for visits, care rides, etc. He is at the point of refusing to eat or take meds he is so lonely and depressed.
You can visit more.
You can encourage his wife to get over her squeamishness and visit him more (unless that gets a bad reaction from him, for example, which would make it unhelpful for him as well as miserable for her).
You can get to know the staff on the Alzheimers unit and share your worries with them.
You could see if there is an equally good ALF, with the same standard of Memory Care in it, near you that they could BOTH move to - but, seriously, what are the odds of the wife's agreeing to that? And you'd still have the hïatus problem with your father.
I further agree with PS that 'mild dementia' does not usually get people admitted to specialist Alzheimer's units. Has there been a bit of a gap between the psychiatrist's assessment that you're referring to and now?
To answer your question directly: "mild dementia" does not automatically equate to "incompetent", no. You may want to find out if your father's competence has been assessed or not. If it hasn't (I'd be surprised) it should be. If it has been assessed, and he hasn't been declared incompetent, then the POA is not in force. If it has been assessed, and he has been declared incompetent, then the POA is in force and yes, assuming it's the right kind of POA, his wife not only can but must decide - i.e. is responsible for deciding - on the best place for him to live.
Whatever the cause, it isn’t going to help to give in to your father's demands. Even if you do, he's likely to come up with something else to obsess over.
Assuming the Alzheimer’s unit where he has been placed takes good care of residents, the most reasonable remedy is to help him settle where he is. He should accept the company and support of those around him. Do they have activities for the patients? If so, does he participate? Does he interact with staff and fellow residents?
If not, perhaps he would benefit from medication to calm his anxiety. The behavior you describe surely can't be pleasant for him. If he's moved, those agitated behaviors will go right along with him. Attention needs to be given to the quality of his life right where he is.
Good luck and God bless.
Good luck.
Be sure that if you move him, if that occurs,, that you are doing it for him for medical improvement and not for yourself. Dementia patients are foolers. They cleverly mask their condition. When loved ones only are able to visit every now and then, dementia folks can keep one from seeing how advanced the disease is.
Also remember that your father willfully chose his wife and willfully chose her to be his POA. If he is still competent, perhaps conversation among the three of you could help decide who best should handle the remaining decisions of their lives. I like Reverseroles comment about "she was forgetful but not stupid."
Keep in touch. Fear of change for all of us is so individualized and difficult. I'm so sorry you are going through this.