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Dad lives with me. He was admitted to the hospital 3 days ago after sliding off the side of his bed while being transferred from the wheelchair & hitting the floor on his behind. He instantly went into a rage and was screaming & using bad language. He would not let anyone help him up so after 15 minutes of this I called 911. They took him to the hospital where he was admitted for confusion. Now they've done numerous test on him to see if a new illness etc, could have caused his behavior.In the meantime I visited him & he is still mad. I discussed him coming home & he said he wanted to go back to the nh he just left 3 wks ago. He was abused there so I told him that he wasn't going back there he should come home because at least he's safe there. Oh Boy was he mad! I talked to the case manager & she said he can go anywhere he wants. He is competent, lucid and his mind is as clear as a bell. Oh yeah, how about the hallucinations & paranoia he goes thru all the time? Because a Dr that has seen him for 5 minutes says he's competent these people actually think he is. After I left the hospital a woman called from Elder Abuse to say she had an allegation of abuse against me. WHAT?? She came over and said I had pushed dad onto the floor, left him alone all the time and that my husband doesn't like him. After speaking to us she said she would be closing the case. It was clearly unfounded. Now they won't tell me where my dad is going because he told them not to. I am dads financial & medical POA . Now I read where he can cancel that. This man is not competent & because of Parkinson's he can barely speak more than 5 words at a time. I just want to walk away from this mess. I have been caring for him and have been his advocate when problems in the nh arise. Now to be accused of abuse is the last straw. I have a foster parent License and while I don't have any children in my care right now an allegation like this could ruin me. Has anyone else had to deal with this? I am the only one caring for a parent in my circle of friends so they have no advice to give except to walk away knowing that I have done my best for 4 yrs.

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I appreciate what you must have gone through. I had a similar experience myself, but with my mother. Luckily she wasn't living with me. I was also POA and she had everything cancelled and all accounts closed. She refused to speak to me and everyone was banned from telling me anything about her hospital admission. In the end all you can do is to continue to show you care, albeit in small ways and give him the time and space to understand you do care about him.
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Rosie123 let your father go. He wants his rights, competent or not, and will destroy your life trying to keep them. Further alleged abuse accusations will definately jeopardize your foster parent license. Your value as a caregiver will be more important as a foster parent than in the care of an unwilling father.
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I would call your local Alzheimer's Association chapter and ask if they can visit and do an evaluation. They can document his confusion for you and this will help you with the medical community. Otherwise just keep tabs on the goings on at the nursing home and document any issues with them.
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this is why I do not buy a life line for my mom. She is just plain mean. No dementia yet. She would be pressing that button every time she gets mad or feels a pain. And the lifeline is used for emergencies only. I'm sure I'd have a unwarranted record or something bad right now. We have to close the windows because we live in a small apt. and the people think her tv is her yelling. But like everyone is saying now is the time you need to make your decision while he is in the hospital. I would let him go back. Being a peds nurse. Foster children are a lot more funner and happier then are parents.I would be doing that now but they interviewed my mom 4 yrs ago because she was coming over often and she hit my kids then so now no fostering for me. I'm stuck for now but I'm happier knowing I have friends on this board/blog. God Bless you rosie 123
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If it helps any, Protective Services people usually can figure out when allegations are unfounded. Many people are mandated reporters and feel they must report even low level of suspicions. A few people actually use PS rotting as harassment or a weapon, and repeated reports of the same thing, while they have to be investigated, become pretty benign events. Had a family where the school was calling I every little bruise or scrape in retaliation for due process request, and the mom used to just out on the coffee and make muffins for them when they came over. Still, that only adds to the stresses that already high enough...
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I was checking out other people's responses and I feel a heavy tug on my heart to share how I deal (in my own head) with these harmful, hurtful, and ridiculous accusations that my own family make towards me as I give of my time and energy to assist my elderly father. I've left my home and husband for two summers now. I live in NC and daddy lives in MI, but his needs have been great. Did I mention that my brother lives 20 minutes away from daddy? If I knew dad's needs were being attended to, not the way I need them to be, but just attended to at all,I would not feel a need to come, but that's not the case. Anyway, I know I'm doing the very best I can for him. I'm not angry at my brother for his insanity...I pity him. I pray for him. And, I know at the end of the day I'm doing the right things. It's only when I allow myself to get upset that I get upset. Keep your head. Pray. Keep records. Gain alliances. Keep your friends (and your dad's friends) close, and your enemies closer so you know what they're up to. Pray for your enemies. Know that when it's your time, God will bless you with someone like you.
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I am getting the same situation with a sibling who has accused me of mistreating my parents and stealing their money. She just stops short of official reports, just insinuates to relatives and anyone who will listen. The problem is that our parents who have dementia want to please this sibling and will agree to anything she says- at least on the phone- to make her happy so she gets encouraged. Fortunately many people have seen how well I am taking care of them and how careful I have been with their money so there is no case. As others have said -document, keep records, and get witnesses if possible. Sometimes people need the most love when they are most unlovable- love with boundaries that is.
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oops meant to say they have no clue
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I agree with ferris 1. I found out that my dads behavior, fake 911 calls, and stealing our son's truck (licensed revoked due to skills loss) was more than my family could deal with. Dad was dumped by a gold digger after early onset of Alzeimer's, mental health and Parkinson's issues were diagnosed. I tried for several months to let him live with us and even tried a nearby supervised apartment approach to no avail. The nh was the only option. The detached family members passed judgement, but I am holding my head high because I know they are no clue regarding what is involved in his care. I am a teacher and was being called out of class daily the last month of school. Job and family were being impacted. My dad is angry that he cannot live with us and tells the uninvolved family members that I do not visit him or take him anywhere. The sign out book at the nh tells a different story. You cannot be the daughter you want to be if you are stressed out.
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I am sorry to hear this. My brother and sister in law have accused me of this as well. My diabetic/early demensia father went into a hypogycemic attack while I was visiting and they reported me to Health and Human Services accusing me of "drugging" him. Ridiculous. My blessings to you and your situation.
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For many years I, too, was my mother's main caregiver. Now she is in the severe stage of Alzheimer's and I have become her favorite punching bag when she is sundowning. My sister is a Johnny come lately who just recently got involved and preaches to me on what I really should be doing (like I need that too). You've done your best, as many of us here can relate to that. If he boots you out, so be it, you can't force this issue.
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To: homecare1

I for one would appreciate it if you would not insert yourself in the middle of conversations between caregivers who are in excruciating pain while trying to make decisions about their loved one. Your your answer ignores and overrides all of the questions and comments that have been made in this case and it is clear that you are doing it from the perspective of the work you do.This is not helpful to people in dilemma. If you are a caretaker of an elderly family member or friend, thank you for limiting your post to your personal experience and not biased diatribe about your job.
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homecare1,

Of course you would say all nursing homes are awful. Your one and only post here and you're just advertising your business.

I don't think that's helpful to the OP at all and is a tad bit dishonest.
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Good luck, Rosie, I hope everything works out for the best. I saw that you made an appointment with a geriatric psychiatrist, I'd like to know how that works out. I have been intending to make my mother an appointment with a geriatric person. My mother has been upset with me because she doesn't want the handrails on the bed raised up, nor does she like it when I unplug her motorized recliner, that helps raise her chair up, when I put her on her standing lift. Mother has not be diagnosed with dementia, but she continues, 1 year and a half after she came home, to believe that she sometimes walks. She gets stark raving mad and pitches the biggest fit, and commands me, literally, to do as she says. And you know, what happened to your dad, is exactly why I refuse to bend on this one. Your dad fell doing a perfectly legitimate move, can you imagine if I left the rail down and she hurt herself? I keep telling her I don't want her to get hurt, don't want to cause a set back, and do not want to be responsible for anything which may go wrong if I should leave the rail down. Usually I have to have my brother come over to settle any "issues" ... this will, most likely, have to go that way too. Do what you must do, to protect yourself. Good luck!
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Hi - you said he was abused at the nh - how about a different nh?
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As a nurse and former child protective services case mgr., it sounds like you have given your father 4 years of care while suffering yourself. Is there no one else who can assume the POA duties? If you cannot get a doctor to state he is incompetent, then so be it. Wash your hands of the situation, do not put your own business license in jeopardy because you will forever be explaining what happened...I wish him the best, but if he is this angry, best not be around him.
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I agree with everyone who said that you have done more than anyone could expect and now need to take a step back and let others deal with your father. It is probably also true that his care is physically more than you can manage at home. You are lucky that a nursing home is even an option. We are in the difficult process of doing the work needed for my husband to be eligible for Medicaid. If he were to go into a NH now, it would cost about $15,000 per month (we live in NYC). I feel as though I am hanging on by a thread sometimes because my husband's care is so stressful and look forward to the day when there are other options. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself and let the professionals take care of your father.
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Been there done that and got the T shirt. As your dad's POA you work on his behalf for his wishes, and since he is not medically deemed incompetent, you can not force him to do anything he does not want to do. Since we know little about the NH abuse, I can't comment on that, but it is odd that he'd want to go back there, did he say he was being abused or did you? In any event, is it possible to get him set up in Assisted Living facility or does he require more intensive care, as in NH. In this case can you help him as his POA get into a new NH. I would take care of this for him and then let it go. Visit, and if he is ever deemed incompetent medically, then if you are so inclined, pursue what avenue you think is best in his best interest. I wouldn't bang my head against the wall on this one.
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Man, if that doesn't take the take. Having your parent accuse you of things and charge you with abuse. I am so glad that after carefully considering whether to remove my father from the NH that he is in and can't stand, that I chose to leave him there. He hates it but still he is getting the care he needs and he is able to have meds prescribed to calm him down. I cannot even begin to imagine how he would be if he lived with me. He is an angry person anyway when dealing with his body or health or having to manage his care. He is happy when he sees me and he likes to visit. He has dementia and he is now in a locked unit. Ironically, when I visit, it sets him back so I let those saints called nurses deal with him. They even have medicine in the form of lotion since he refuses meds a lot of time. I am so glad I chose to leave him in the NH. He is right where he needs to be. He has meals and snacks, laundry and people to socialize with. He has his blood sugar checked all day long. This is not the best Nursing home in the world but I love the nurses. They always know what is going on with him.
I guess I don't understand all of this agony over Nursing homes. Sure there are horror stories if you have an old person wasting away you would pay more attention but when you have a crazy dementia patient like my dad- I have realized how hard it is. He doesn't eant me "bossing him around". can you imagine me trying to corral him to do anything if he lived with me? I would not hesitate to put him in a good home. Can you elaborate on what kind of abuse this NH was charged with by your dad. You never know if he was telling the truth since he lied about you. best, BG
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Dear RuthNaomi, What a heartache you have to deal with. But it is true that you you have done all humanly possible for your child, and it looks like you have to let go and concentrate on taking care of your own health. God is our best physician and psycholigist. Just pray every day for strength of your own, and that God will watch over your son and protect him from further harm.
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My mother also has delusional and paranoid episodes and is prone to exaggeration. She has claimed that someone had stolen her identity, that family members were engaged in mail fraud, that I called law enfocement to get her out of the house, and a laundry list of other things. She or someone else she complained to called Protective Services. They came by and shortly thereafter closed out the case. They asked me if my mother had been diagnosed with dementia.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand. I told my mother that she was welcome to stay as long as she wanted, but that I wouldn't be able to maintain that arrangement if false information continued to be reported to Protective Services. I told her that I don't want to risk the possibility of being charged with neglect or abuse if the next false allegation were taken seriously. In your situation, you have even more to lose, and you certainly don't want to risk your reputation, your livelihood, or your freedom.

Sadly, our parents have the right to make a variety of bad decisions. I have accepted that I cannot always get my mother to do what I think is sensible or even necessary. Although I care a great deal about what happens to her, I have to respect the fact that she makes her own decisions.
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I had similar problems with my adult son, who had severe brain injuries in a car accident. Being an educator, I chose to take him through the process of rehab myself when he came out of the coma, along with the rehab center and hospital. It took 10 years to get him to a place of independent living with oversight from me. He got involved with scam artists who convinced him to sue me. He is very gullible, and tends to make decisions that pleases his flesh, and has stagnated at the sexual point of gratification with hookers, prostitutes, strippers and con artists. By the way, he lost the case, but was granted to be his own manager of his life without conservatorship. He has ended up on the streets, breaking the law, being in mental hospitals, and mental institutions and nursing homes. WE have rehab him, saving his life, countless of times. When we get him back on his feet, literally, out of a wheelchair, and health again, he ends up with a stripper living with him, and being abused. We have called Adult Protective Services and still, no action. He is now on kidney dialysis. He calls when he is at the bottom of the barrel emotionally, financially, and in a pickle. Now I am fighting ALS, and have no strength to help him. The stress of trying to help him over the years has just about killed me. My husband and other sons say that enough is enough. They say that this son is 43, and has abused me over and over. I cannot continue to rescue him. So just recently he was on the right track, I was with him through surgery and kidney dialysis, and now he is hooking up with shady characters again. I will just have to let him go and what will be will be. The caregivers sometimes are the victims of abuse by the ones they care for.
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I certainly am no expert, but my mother's erratic dementia related behavior made me realize I better start documenting her unhealthy, unsafe habits, and illogical behaviors ( which she did not have before the dementia). So almost everytime (I couldn't write all day long!) she did something significantly unsafe or unhealthy (meds, food, behavior), I wrote down the detailed circumstances and who did/said what. This included when her aides reported to me (usually that they had arrived to see that she had not taken her meds from the night before - even though I called to remind her and she swore she had taken them). A lot times these notes revolved around food handling or medication handling. Once, she physically wrestled me for the bottle of Tylenol to take the pills, insisting I was lying when I was right next to her at the sink when she had taken 2 less than 5 minutes prior). That was scary because I had to pry the bottle out of her hands being careful not to hurt her. You can bet I documented that scene. This kind of documentation was very helpful to me with the doctors and the nurses, allowing them to understand the mechanics of her dementia, when they often can't see it as clearly as you do, because the patients are usually more docile and cooperative when in the hospital for a few days, or just going to the doctor for a check-up. Quite honestly, it hurts to have to do such a thing with a loved one, but in the end, it was advantageous because she was able to get the proper care and treatment, and everything I had said about her behavior, the nurses and doctors eventually witnessed for themselves the longer they dealt with her. Now they tell me: your mother won't listen - she keeps removing her leg bandages! Your mother comes out of her room asking for meds 2 minutes after we give them to her - we have resorted to asking eachother to be a witness! Now they know what I went through with her all alone!!
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Blessings to you on whatever you decided to do. Meanwhile, I wonder if there is any recourse to have the person who accussed you charged with making a false report? I guess they could claim good intentions, but it may be worth looking into since you have the foster care issue to consider. Hopefully your good name is preserved by the finding that there's no cause for concern.
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Sounds like a challenging situation. You may want to consult with an organization such as one for Parkinson's or the local chapter of the NCOA to see whether there are some helps/legal assistance. Otherwise, you may want to have an initial consultation with an attorney to protect your rights and foster care license. Meanwhile, if you have documentation on your Dad's episodes, that would be helpful. Perhaps we all should be documenting activities, physical issues, emotional outbursts as regularly as possible. Such a log could be helpful in noticing patterns. May not be a document valid in court but might help. Any lawyers or other experts that can chime in?
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Obviously he is taking his frustrations with his health, mental and physical, out on you. I have the same sort of situation with my mom who has arthritis and dementia. I am sure the authorities are used to this type of situation, so I would not worry too much about the abuse allegations. You have two options as I see it, to walk away- but you may end up worrying all the time and you still have the medical and POA so some responsibility to intervene for him. You could also apply for guardianship which will force him to be tested properly for dementia which will mean grater responsibility but greater control. If he truly has no one else to look out for him, I would suggest the latter option.
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The reality is that he fell under your care, when you were transferring him. This tells me that it is getting too difficult to manage him at home, at least the way he's been transferred. A qualified NH can be such a blessing to our loved ones and ourselves, as caretakers. Seriously. You need to admit that the level of care he needs is beyond your ability to handle. Be thankful he did not break a hip when he fell.

Consider this experience a blessing in disguise. You can visit him as much as you want in the NH and develop a better relationship in the process.

Be encouraged. It will get better.
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Hi rosie123, I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I can honestly say I know how you feel, for I have been in it.
My mother wrote a letter to the daughter of one of her friends alleging that I was withholding food (I was following her dr's orders as to what she should and should not eat), that she wasn't allowed to have or use a phone (she had one in her room which we paid for, because she would not pay for her own and used it liberally, believe me), that she wasn't allowed to go anywhere and it was like she was "in jail" (she was going out for a walk every day of the week, accompanied by me, and as well was going to her dr's appointments, hairdresser, groceries and other stores and malls). So I do understand.
This woman forwarded the letter to the elder care agency and before I knew it I was in the same position as you. The police were also called and were reported to directly from the elder care agency.
This is what I did: I called the elder care agency myself and invited them over for a meeting which I arranged for the elder care agency administrator, myself, my mother, and also called my useless out-of-town sibling to make sure he was a witness to all of this.
I was armed with all of my notes and documentation and remained calm. I allowed the administrator to ask my mother why she had written the letter, which of course she was embarrassed and angry to have been discovered having written, saying that it wasn't meant for "publication" (couldn't take being caught out having done that). She caused a huge storm of trouble with this. She doesn't have dementia or Alzheimer's by the way. She was just angry that she couldn't gorge herself on the foods that she wanted and was not getting her own way.
this resulted in a further three visits from the elder care agency as well as two further calls from the police. You can't even imagine how angry I was at what she had caused for me after I had done nothing but my very best inviting her into my home and caring for her free of charge.
What I would say to you is this: listen to your friends. If you honestly feel threatened in this situation, that your father's actions could escalate, get out now. Let him go back to the NH where they will know how to care for him if he gets into this kind of rage. Don't take any risks of having him in your home where this situation could be repeated -- he's not going to get any better. You have yourself and your own family to care for (as well as fostering, for which I commend you).
You might want to phone your own elder care agency and try to see if they have any suggestions for you. They are used to dealing with this kind of thing.
I wish you all the best and I am sorry that you have had to go through this, but don't let it ruin your life (as it almost did mine). All the best of luck to you.
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I know you love your dad, however your best road may be to take a step back and let them put him where he wants to be. Sometimes when they get to this stage is it best to let them go to a facility. (otherwise you might have constant run ins with adult protective services) My dad is the same way. I just stay away from him as much as possible. I have been accused of things mutilple times, including stealing from him, which I have never done. In fact I have loaned him over $20,000.
Please take it from me, it can and often does get worse. The social worker I worked with said this is common, and protective services look at you as the perp. until you prove otherwise.
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