My 89-year-old mom is in hospice care & is not expected to live much longer. She is comatose & getting comfort care. She has been declining for the last year & the final straw occurred 2 weeks ago when she fell & broke her hip (Or vice versa). My 92 -year-old father is anxious & panicked about it. (They have been married 68 years.) He constantly says "I don't know what I'm going to do." Despite all kinds of verbal support from friends & family, he cannot find the calm in knowing that she is being cared for & is no longer being tortured by pain & medical procedures.
His "plan" was that HE would die first. Now that this plan has been disrupted, he has intense, persistent, worry that consumes him. And it affects everyone around him. He has always been a worrier & overthinker, but this is over the top. I'm tired of being nice - I would like to tell him that I understand how upset he is & provide no further verbal response. I feel so sorry for him, but he's driving everyone crazy. I'm going to follow up to try to get some anti-anxiety medication for him. I'm also going to enlist bereavement support from the hospice, but other than that I don't know what else to do.
Once again, I'm turning to this forum since it has been so helpful to me. He has no hobbies, no real interests, has serious macular degeneration, & is very hard of hearing (has hearing aids). He's not outgoing either. Any advice is most appreciated.
Sorry to hear of your troubles. They sound rather like mine. Your father has the same ailments and behaviour as mine except that my dad has vascular dementia thrown into the mix as well. My dad continually complains to me that he doesn’t know what he is going to do or doesn’t know what is going to happen. He blames my parents predicament ie. the fact that they both are in a nursing home due to them both being in late stages dementia. Mum has Alzheimer’s. I have no one to help me so have had to protect myself from worry, depression etc by changing the conversation to a different topic, going to make him a cup of tea (by the time it’s made he has forgotten what he said) or playing some soothing music(it helps calm him and often sends him to sleep). You possibly use these tactics already but I hope I have said some useful things. Good luck.
Do find little breaks and little escapes (even if just mental escapes) for yourself.... moreso than your typical cadence.
Dad is so desperate and lost; he’s trying to send some of his pain to you. That’s not good. Protect and nurture yourself with more self-care than usual.
LOSS SUCKS. ((((big hugs))))
If your dad believes in God, I would reassure him that your mom's soul is in God's hands. AND God has your dad in His care also. Tell dad that the Lord will comfort him when your mom goes to be with Him. Many are comforted when they know their loved ones will be cared for.
Then be a "broken record". Every time he gets anxious give him a hug and repeat the above sentences.
Your dad's emotions are out of control because his world is about to blow apart. He knows no other life except with your mom. It's like loosing a limb.
Hopefully medication will smooth him out. However, he may get sleepy or slightly unsteady with it. It's good to know that ahead of time.
Please get hospice to come see him quickly for grief counseling. Also, if he has health insurance that covers psych visits, I'd get him in there too.
Take time out for yourself too
by taking frequent breaks. There is no easy way to get through this. I'm sorry.
I did this six months before my Mom died. I don't know how much time your Mom has left but it would probably be a good idea to do this sooner rather than later if you could get your Dad to agree to it.
Bills: Know when his bills are due and remind him (maybe write them on a calendar that is in plain sight). No use in letting the cable or water be turned off, that's just creating bigger problems for YOU later on because ultimately you'll be the one calling the creditors and trying to undo the problem. Or sign up for autopay if he'll go for it. My dad wouldn't consider autopay and the first few months the cable bills were late- so then I'm on the phone pleading with DirecTV to delete the late charges... not a real joy, especially after working all day myself.
Laundry: If he is physically able to do laundry, show him how it's done and write out the directions (especially the amount of detergent... again, I know from experience after dad over-soaped and had suds all over the floor). If he can't or won't do laundry, you'll have to do it, rotate it among other people willing to help, or sign up for a service of some kind.
Cooking: drop off prepared/frozen meals, sign up for Meals on Wheels, or let him cook. My dad's house perpetually smells like bacon since he cooks it every day for breakfast, but he now cooks a lot of other things, too. I think he found he likes it, which made it easier for him to adapt. Keep the house stocked with easy staples he likes so he doesn't have to cook (cereal, bread, peanut butter, snacks). He won't starve.
Cleaning: this was a tough one; we wanted him to sign up for in-home cleaning, which he flatly refused and I refused to become a maid... I've got my own house to take care of and work full-time besides. Dad learned how to run the vacuum and does it a few times a week. He always has a supply of Mr. Clean disinfectant wipes (the pre-moistened kind in the pop up containers) in all the bathrooms and kitchen. It keeps the germs at bay until we can do a better cleaning every few months. He also uses furniture polish wipes for dusting. The house isn't mom-standard clean but the house stays relatively clean and tidy.
Misc: list of birthdays, addresses for holiday cards, anniversaries, etc. Mom always did those things but dad was grateful when I reminded him of special occasions. A box of all occasion cards is now in his desk drawer and he did Christmas cards on his own this year.
And maybe most importantly: assure him that the kids aren't going to swoop in and rob him of his independence. Include him in decisions, even if he doesn't really participate.
Very sorry for the situation and your mother's illness. Make time away from your dad's problems to be with mom and just be her child and enjoy her company with whatever time is left to her.
Let your dad plan ahead for the terror. If someone can promise to be around him 24/7, that will be reassuring. Even if it's a caregiver. Hospice also has volunteers for this.
Assure him that the terror will turn into grief faster than he thinks (I experienced this with my father...so, I know it's true.) Also, I could feel my dad around me for a while until I could deal with it. Literally I felt that.
I'm an Ivy League New Yorker with a hard edge and am pretty realistic etc.
Read this to him. Tell him I know the fear is crushing and terrifying. Everyone does not feel that. But I know he does, and it's real. 100% this is the harder side. The fear of the terror is worse now than the grief will be. He will feel her with him. I'm certain. And he will feel her probably more than others will. This will be comforting.
I don't know him, but I feel for him. I believe him. Others feel the same thing. It's hard. I'm very sorry.
I'm John.
And after Mom's death they will offer a Bereavement Support Group that he should probably take advantage of.
No one is prepared for the death of a loved one. I was with my husband and I knew the end was close but I just was not prepared for the actual death. I know in my heart and in my head that is was imminent but it was still difficult..it felt as if my soul were ripped from me. (It has been a bit over 2 years and I had to walk away from this for a while...it will always be difficult but the pain eases.)
He will need your help as well as the rest of the family now and in the foreseeable future. I can not forecast the future but I would guess your Dad will decline after your Mom dies and may pass sooner than he would have if your Mom were still with him.
By the way if she is not on Hospice if your Mom or Dad are members of a church or have a particular religious affiliation it might be a good idea to call to get some support for him as well as the family.