Dad keeps threatening to go to Japan, Canada, etc. What's the best way to handle this?
How do I handle this. I am 60 years old and diabetic and my husband is 63 with issues of his own. We are so tired. My dad is a 90 year old. He NEVER stops talking. He keeps repeating the same questions and stories over and over.
He is demanding. No matter what idea he has, he wants to do it, say it, get it NOW. It borders on abuse. He is also very mobile and will invade your space no matter what you do. I've had to close and lock a door to the 2nd floor to make sure he does not enter while we are sleep.
We have found that our ENTIRE life is drawn around him. If we don't immediately stop what we are doing, he will threaten to move out. I know realistically this can't happen. He has alzheimer's.
I have guiltily thought about putting him into a home. I am not sure how to handle this. I am afraid the stress is going to ruin my health.
Another layer to this is that He abandon my mom and my siblings when I was 14 (I'm the oldest) and never tried to call us. I found him 12 years ago and we reunited. Over the last 12 years we saw his decline and my husband and I decided that the moral thing to do was to take care of dad. Much of his ramblings are regarding his 2nd wife, his step daughter, what my mom supposedly did wrong, etc. This is mentally devastating to me.
Don't get me wrong. I love him. He is kind at times. But we are exhausted. At least he is sleeping through the night - the doctor gave him sleeping pills. But I'm afraid his like a spoiled child that is draining all of our energy and our time.
What to do?
I am 61, mother is 96 and very healthy at her NH.
It also might be the opening to get a placement for him. Pretend he's going to Japan or Canada, have him pack his bags, and take him to a facility for permanent care. You can tell him that you won't be able to visit him as often while he's "on vacation", giving yourself an out and opportunity for respite.
Sure, it's dishonest, but look what he's put you through, and finding a good place for him is probably the best thing you can do for him as well as you and your family.
On the issue of abandonment, I personally would find it difficult to endure as much as you've put up with if someone left me and also praised a second wife while backstabbing my mother. And frankly, I don't think you'd be out of line to raise the abandonment issue and point out how devastating it was to your family, and that you're not interested in hearing how great his second wife was.
In fact, where ARE the second wife and stepdaughter now that he needs help?
i realize you feel love for your father but he has not shown too much love for you over the years. Don't let the guilt overtake your decisions. It does not really matter where you arrange for dad to live you will have done the best you can for him. You are not trained to care for someone as active as dad that is what professionals are for. So become a team with your husband and make the necessary arrangement for Dad it is the loving thing to do.