The stress from his care is gonna kill her. My father is 89 yrs old. He's had three strokes a few years ago, he has severe dementia and can't get around very well. He can no longer do much of anything for himself. He'll be bed ridden for days, then there are days when he wanders around the house late at night,as best he can, and even wanders outside. His behavior is very erratic, to say the least. He soils himself, his bed, and his bedroom floor almost nightly. He's also terrified of the tub and hasn't bathed in months. My mother is 84 and is reasonably independent. She is his primary caregiver, even though I do help out around the house when I can. She has stopped taking him to his scheduled appointments with his doctor and coumadin nurse because she has too much trouble getting him out of bed. His doctor has suggested that he may need to be put in a facility, and to take him to the ER to be evaluated, but she won't do it. I'm afraid that the stress from taking care of him, and dealing with his erratic behavior might be taking a toll on her health. I don't want to lose her, too. She acknowledges the fact that he needs to be in a nursing home, but yet she refuses to take the necessary steps to make it happen. I'm not exactly sure why. For his own health and her's too, he has got to be admitted to a facility. Everyday he gives my mother reasons why this needs to happen. My question is-do I or my siblings have any options here? Is there anything we can do to make this happen? I would hate to go over her head on this, but I'm afraid HER health might be at stake, as well as my father's.
Your mom may not have dementia but her judgement is not strong. My mom is 84 and sounds much the same. The quickest route to resolving this would be to call 911 at the next crisis, ask to see the social worker at the hospital and explain that Dad cannot come home. If you get resistance from the hospital tell them you will call Adult Protective Services.
APS may be the only route if Mom is mentally competent but in denial. She still has the legal rights here until APS or a court says Dads health is in danger.
This is the worst time. That tipping point where our folks can clearly not deal with their own care any longer, are stubborn and in denial but still legally competent. I'm just waiting for the next crisis with my folks.
It's not an ideal plan. Your dad may not end up in the ER and your mom may continue to not admit him to a facility. In that case give your mom all the support she needs. Her life isn't easy caring for your dad.
I had the same issue with my Mom back when my Dad had a heart attack, she did not want him to go into a rehab center to get better, so she brought him home from the hospital. She found out quickly she couldn't pick him up when he fell [he was very weak] and couldn't help him up the stairs for the night so they slept in the living room, etc. She was 90 when this happened. What was she thinking?
Mom even made it difficult for the visiting nurses and the physical therapist. They all felt so very uncomfortable being in my parents house as Mom would be glaring at them. And she even didn't want grab bars placed in the bathroom, that would ruin the tile. First day Dad came home he could barely walk even with the walker, so I moved his recliner to be closer to the power room... good heavens, what a battle with Mom as the recliner didn't look good there. First time I ever raised my voice to Mom "this isn't about you, it's about Dad".
Dad did survive all this, whew. But I was on pins and needles waiting for the next crises. The next ER visit with Dad, he finally got into rehab for that condition.
If your mother's resistant to that idea, too - which she may be, because at this point her overwhelming fear is possibly that he will be "taken" from her and she's determined not to let that happen - then you need to point out that if she wants to stay in charge, she has to *take* charge by getting more help.
The situation you describe cannot go on much longer--and it won't.
In the meantime, repeat the serenity prayer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My wife is in a nursing home...For awhile she "insisted" on being in a recliner (LazyBoy) and never in bed. The nurses and aides graciously cooperated and took care of her anyway, and being paralyzed on one side, this included changing her several times a day. I could see how difficult it was for them and "knew" it would be better for my wife and the staff to have her in bed. She did not want to do it, however...Finally, I lied to her and said the doctor ordered that she MUST be put in bed for two weeks to see how her symptoms would react. She reluctantly agreed. After a few days she had gotten used to it and I lied again and said the doctor said it had to be that way for another month...She accepted it. Soon enough I said my Lazyboy at home had broken and I wanted to take hers home rather than buy a new one. She was fine with that..That was five years ago. She has been in the bed ever since.
Sometimes a lie is not all that bad as I see it.
I am thinking you may be able to have your doctor "order" that he try out a nursing home for its therapeutic purposes, whatever.
Grace + Peace
Bob
xo
-SS
If you have tried everything, I would have a plan in place, if an emergency arises, but there is not a whole lot you can do.
You have also presented 'why won't Mom consider or accept help caring for Dad.' Mom does not take the idea of moving Dad as a good alternative to him being at home and her doing the caregiving.
Let's take these two questions, as the other questions will be answered as these are. And let's start with the second question. You indicated that your Dad was 89 years old. This generation when married said those vows of marriage very seriously. It is in many cases for the couple to separate for health care due to the part of those vows saying 'in sickness and health'. My answer for this question is to pursue alternatives to your Mom facilitating his care. Look into their moving to an assisted living/nursing home together (many times there is an assisted living on the same land as a nursing home). Many of these facilities do exist for just the reason you are looking at for your Mom. Many times you can help this by having your Mom and Dad sleep in separate rooms, then during the day reside in a common place. You can also look into in home help, however, many of this generation will not accept this as an alternative. See below
The first question was in regard to your Mom's health. You should be concerned as several research elements have proven that a when the caregiver is a sole caregiver, their health is dramatically affected in a negative manner. As I had said the above answer to living apart could be the answer for this concern. If that is not an answer in your circumstance, begin looking for in-home help. Do not let money be the deciding factor for this solution. There are multiple ways to put this to use with little or no impact on the financial status of your parents. I do not know your particular financial situation, however I have facilitated many couples living only on Social Security (which is bear bones financial status).
You will want to do some research into this way of answering these questions. These solutions will allow for your Mom and Dad to maintain their marital union and yet get help for your Mom.
Or, you may want to look into low cost answers for this situation by looking into home health. (Let's be clear, this will not accomplish your Mom's good nights sleep.) However, if she has help during the day this will begin to answer the question.
You can look into family members helping out with solutions to some of the care needs. Perhaps a friend of the family, someone from the church (if there is a community in their lives) or seek help from your local Office of Aging. This last mentioned is funded by Old Soldier's Act and can be found in the County section of your phonebook. They're almost always governed by DSHS.
Most of all take care of yourself as you may be caring for your Dad, as well as your Mom.
wolflover: thank you so much, something never really thought of, at least directly, was concerned there could be issues; she really probably should have had stitches but she never even went to the ER; it's probably been at least that long and nothing's happened yet; she's like reverseroles, it's really that she's terrified if she went anywhere they would take him away and she would die; I really don't think any longer it's about what's best for him; she says she wants help but instead she gives the money to their grandson, who's not helping - so what do you do? my dad also had a fall like that and did get stitches, did scans and stuff and nothing said about anything like that happening but there were other things that did; we did get him some inhome help then and then later after that is when he got grandson (an older one) to move in with him to take care of him - at least better than the other situation