Dad refuses to believe Mom is dead. Any advice?

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Dad refuses to believe Mom is dead. Any advice?

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My father has dementia. My mother has been dead for 25 years. Lately he will suddenly start asking for her demanding to know where she is and when she will be back. No specific time or frequency just randomly it might happen today and not again for weeks or it could happen again tomorrow. Please don't think I'm trying to be cruel but I'm at my wits end. My mother did not have friends she was very much a loner and did not work or travel so telling him she's visiting someone is instantly seen as a lie. If I say I don't know where she is or when she will return he wants me to help search. If I tell him she is out doing errands he doesn't let go of it and when she doesn't show up in a few hours we're back to the searching again or if its very late he doesn't believe. If I tell him the truth that she's dead he calls me a liar and accuses me of hiding her and says God is going to punish me severely for saying that. I'm recovering from injuries from a car accident and he says my pain is God punishing me he will make me a cripple and worse for saying she's dead. Saying she's in heaven is not a comfort and offering to prove I'm not lying just gets more ugly talk and accusations. Please believe me I'm not trying to hurt him and I'm so so sorry if it makes him relive pain of her passing but I don't know what to say nothing works. I've tried but I can't distract him with TV or change of subject. He won't let go and just goes on about how cruel I am and accusing me of hiding her. Full disclosure I did not have a happy relationship with my mother she was a very cold person and was ashamed of me because I was emotional so that makes this even harder on me. And my father has always had a tendency to see their marriage through rose colored glasses. Does anyone have any suggestions to help when this happens? Thanks in advance. Jean

Alzheimer's & Dementia Communication & Language Delusions Dementia Behaviors

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Does this happen during the afternoons, as in he is sundowning? If so, you may need to start some activity to engage his mind preemptively and do all other things that help deal with sundowning.

Is he currently on any meds for anxiety? If not, please consult with his doctor for info and options.

You've tried telling the truth but this doesn't work for people with dementia since they no longer have reason and logic as tools.
You've tried "therapeutic fibs" and distraction but he is too paranoid.
None of it has worked.

Have you tried shrugging your shoulders and saying, "I don't know" and then asking him where *he* thinks she is? See where that goes. I don't have any other suggestions except to walk out of the room or house and then wait for him to get out of the loop.

I'm so sorry you are gong through this. Dementia is so hard.

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I was going to ask the question about medications too - from what you posted that was the only possible option I was thinking might work - to keep him calm. I like Geaton's idea of redirecting the question back to him and see where that gets you potentially as well.

You don't mention in your post and I'm not familiar with your back story - are you caring for your father at home? Or is he in memory care? You mention that he requires you to help him search for her if you can't produce something distracting enough for him, so I'm suspecting he's not in memory care, so I'm wondering if his dementia has potentially progressed to the point where memory care might be something to consider now as well?

When these situations occur, and he gets upset that you can't find her - you mention that he calls you a liar - do things escalate - I guess what I'm asking is does he get violent or anything along those lines that would make YOU fearful of him during these episodes?

Are you noticing these times that he is asking for her increase? Or other behaviors like this increase?

I would certainly pass this information on to his doctor and see what they can do to help. As Geaton mentioned there are medications that can help.

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He isn’t “refusing to believe”.

HIS “TRUTH” is what is caused by his progressively damaged brain, not the “facts” There are NO LIES in dementia care, by either the dementia victim, or by the caregiver.

The victim is FIRMLY ENTRENCHED in his own continuing flawed belief system, and you are out of kindness providing comfort and peace for him, whether factual or not.

You need NOT enter his detailed (dementia based) conversation. If he fails to stop, use earphones, distance, activities, whatever.

He no longer understands any of what he is saying.

If he lives with you (hopefully not) “Oops, Sorry Dad I just heard the washing machine e go off. Gotta put the wash in the dryer.” “Making a grocery shopping list, Dad. Be with you in a minute.

If he doesn’t live with you, “Oops I forgot I had to (mow the lawn, pick up the canary from the groomer’s, make the meatloaf, etc.)” give a quick hug, say I love you, AND LEAVE.

You are not obliged in any way to suffer this. DO NOT SUBJECT YOURSELF TO THIS.

If you have not spoken to a counselor about your family history it might be very helpful for you to do so. Be sure to choose someone gentle and compassionate. With targeted counseling you may be able to become more objective about that cause(s) for his outbursts and lack of logical, rational thinking.

Please take good care of yourself. The damage of dementia makes victims of both the victims themselves and their caregivers too.

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This is a very helpful response. Thanks

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His reality with the dementia is that she is still alive it is not that he is refusing to believe it.
Your response to him should be:
"She went to the store, I do not know when she will be back."
or
"She went to lunch with some friends"
then change the subject.
"Would you like something to drink?"
"Why don't we start getting dinner ready, can you help?"
All that said I think you could talk to his doctor about medication for the anxiety.
And I think you might want to think about placing dad in Memory Care. It sounds like caring for him is not good for YOUR mental health.

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Thank you to everyone who responded. I'm sorry if I didn't phrase myself well or said anything wrong. My father's dementia is very new it seemed to come on overnight almost and we're still figuring things out, learning and adjusting. He went from normal memory lapses you'd expect from a man in his 90s like "Did I lock the garage?" to forgetting how to turn on his tv and change channels or the AC and fans and seeing children who don't exist (I do not have children and I promise I would know if there were kids in the house at 2:43 in the morning when I'm trying to work). He's not currently on any meds. And I'm in the process of switching him to another doctor. I'm sorry it's complicated and terrible timing for many reasons (not that any time is good for something like this) and I just don't have the energy to go into all the details now. So far there have been two of these looking for mom episodes about two weeks apart the first right at 7pm i made a point of looking at the clock because I wondered if it might be sundowning, the other happened at 7:51 am, he woke me up when I'd barely had two hours sleep. I work nights, at home, freelance but I still have deadlines, and no changing my hours is not an option I feel most creative at night and those hours of me time are precious to me and always have been, sorry if that sounds selfish. As I said before, he remembers mom well enough to know she had no friends, she didn't want any, so saying she's visiting someone does not work. I have tried just walking away too but he follows begging "please help me find her" or accusing me of hiding her and going on about how cruel I am to do that to an old man. I will be talking to the doctor about this I promise. Thank you all. Sorry I didn't do better at this.

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poor you. and your poor father. you’re so kind and sweet, and he’s delusional, falsely accusing you of all sorts of things.

you wrote:
“My father's dementia is very new it seemed to come on overnight”

regarding your father’s sudden dementia: definitely get it checked out.

a friend of mine’s mother suddenly had cognitive decline, strange thoughts. there was always a reason for it (luckily always treatable).

it happened twice:
—severe UTI (it was quickly solved in hospital) (almost became sepsis) (the infection was stopped in time)
—vitamin B12 deficiency. it affects the mind. strange thoughts/talking (B12 tablets were given) (not injections) (two weeks later, the mind was already much better)

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Do you have any siblings? If you do then tell him that she's visiting one of them.
Then you ignore any further mention about where your mother is.
If redirecting him doesn't work ignore it when he brings it up and refuse to discuss it.
I've had many homecare clients who had dementia and would get something into their mind and not let it go. Sometimes they'd be on it for days. Then the repeating. I would answer something a couple of times and then try to redirect. If redirecting didn't work I just completely ignored the entire subject. I also would never continually repeat the same answer to a question over and over because a client got into a dementia loop. It doesn't help. Learn to ignore with love.
If he gets too verbally abusive it may be time to consider placement in a care facility.

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Hello, thank you so much for your advice “learn to ignore with love”. Applies here as in many other situations with elder care. Wish I could help my spouse to better understand to do that.

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You haven't done anything wrong here Jean. You're not selfish or anything else negative, you're doing your best with a very difficult situation. It sounds like dad is living with you & you're not getting much sleep lately, which is hard.

If your father's dementia has gotten very bad 'overnight', I'd see about getting him checked out for something organically wrong with him like a UTI or another infection of some kind. He could have had a stroke or something else which exacerbated his dementia, that's a possibility.

Dad is experiencing agitation when he's insisting on seeing his wife and not listening to you about where she's at, that she's deceased, or out, or visiting relatives, etc. It doesn't matter that he has dementia or whatever, what matters is that his level of agitation is SO ramped up, that he can't calm down no matter WHAT you tell him. And that affects him AND you. What are you supposed to do, exactly? He's bringing the wrath of God down upon you all the time, so you're just supposed to smile sweetly and 'distract' him, which is not working? You said that multiple times. It's. Not. Working. Period.

Dad needs anti anxiety meds like Ativan to calm him down STAT. My mother with advanced dementia INSISTED her mother was alive and I was 'hiding her' somewhere and that she was in the Memory Care ALF somewhere, but mom just 'couldn't find' her. No matter what I told her, mom would not believe me. Same thing. But here's the difference: Mom lived in a Memory Care ALF and I didn't have to hear her carrying on all day about how God would punish me for lying and yada yada. I got the doctor to give her Ativan .25 mgs every 6 hrs which then had to be increased to every 4 hours and then .5 mgs every 4 hours and THAT did the trick. She calmed down and 'forgot' about being nerved up about where 'mama' was. Forget about logic, lying, stories, etc. and get dad MEDICATED for this horrible level of agitation he's now suffering and that YOU are suffering as a result. If his doctor is not agreeable to such a thing, time for a NEW DOCTOR FOR DAD.

And if that all fails, it's time to place dad in a Memory Care ALF or in Skilled Nursing b/c he's become too much for you to manage alone at home. You matter too; your life is important too. Sometimes, dementia becomes TOO MUCH for a daughter to handle at home and that's when you have to consider placement. It's not a sign of failure, just a sign that he's in a place where he needs more care than one person can possible provide. As my mother did. She had more issues than Newsweek, and 'where's mama' was only ONE small one of 100. The caregivers in her Memory Care ALF did a splendid job of caring for her, let me tell you.

Wishing you the best of luck with a very difficult situation. And please do not think for one moment that you are doing something 'wrong'. It's the dementia that's taken over dad's brain and sometimes, no matter WHAT we say or do, it's not going to work. #Truth

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Some patients in memory care facilities have privately hired aides to stay with them. If that’s a financial option for you, you might try it. The aide then watches over the patient and helps the patient and is dedicated to the patient’s care. The ones I’ve seen are CNAs. It’s expensive. One of the patients I saw always had her CNA with her. She was a doctor’s wife and was very beautiful, not even 50 yet but had early onset dementia. Her husband could afford the best of care, but that’s sadly not true for everyone.

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Surely that just means the aide would be fielding the same questions about Mama? All that does is pay someone a lot of money without calming Dad down at all. A medical assessment does seem like the first thing to try. Then calming drugs.

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Is your father on an anti-anxiety drugs? if not, I'd talk to his doctor to get him some. ASAP.

And KNOW absolutely that his behavior and comments in fact have NOTHING to do with YOU. They are all a result of his disease. You might want to try to get some therapy to learn to ignore them or not let them bother you.

So very sorry for your difficult time. ((HUG))

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Simple snswere such as grocery shopping will do

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Good suggestion - unless your person loved to go shopping.

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It sounds like you have tried everything you can think of and nothing seems to work with dad. The only suggestion I have is if it is too much for you to listen to such ugly talk, leave the room. I called the Alzheimer's Association and spoke with one of their counselors on a couple of occasions because I was at my wits end. The person I was caring for was a fall risk, so I couldn't be too far away from them. It drove me crazy. I had to be reminded not to take it personally. This was easier said than done since I was saddled with this individual the majority of the week for eight hours a day.

My suggestion is to get some respite care away from your dad so that you can recover from your accident. You don't need the additional stress from taking care of a parent that you can't seem to please no matter how you answer him.

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You may as well tell a paralyzed person that they're refusing to walk. He's not capable of retaining that info. Just tell him she's at the beauty salon or shopping or something.

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Geriatric Psychiatrist can evaluate, medicate and assist in getting Dad placed. Just be sure to locate Memory Care living situations that offer a lot of activities and companionship..............it doesn't guarantee he'll participate, but he will have options.

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I've read somewhere that it truly takes a village to care for just one person, so please don't go it alone to do caregiving beyond your level of care. Help will save your own life. In my earlier thread, dementia is a terrible disease that went way above the normal level of care. Requires 24-hour memory care that no single person can do no matter how skilled he or she is.

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My Mom would not believe my Dad was dead even though she was at the funeral. We found her searching around the house for him and she actually asked to see the death certificate. She would not believe us but once she saw that it stopped her looking for him.

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Please discuss with your father's physician and/ or yours, both your father's behaviors and, your limited ability to be a 24/7 care giver . You need to learn and explore all options for his care so that you can heal in many ways also. And, do not feel guilty seeking help. If for some reason you became unable to care for him at all, at least you would already have him either in placement or other care support arranged for him. He cannot help himself due to the debilitating dementia. You, nor anyone, can " win a conversation" with a dementia patient.
It may seem too exhausting to begin the assessment process for the assistance needed with him, but you will be doing you both a favor to at least have him assessed and get options. Also, if you practice a faith, lean on your faith leaders for spiritual support during this difficult transition time. Prayers and peace ....

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Whenever confusion seems to escalate to a higher level or seems to come on suddenly, always question if it could be UTI dehydration, or another infection. Even mild cases can lead to confusion as an early symptom.

Here is the test that I keep on my shelf…

https://www.diagnoxhealth.com/product/urinox-10

I use it before calling the doctor. I don’t rely on it 100%, but use it as a screening tool.

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I’m sorry ur going through what ur going through. If it were me I would be very honesty. I would tell the truth and if u have still have the obituary I would keep some and show it to him each and every time he asked. I would say I’m sorry and give him hugs. If u don’t have u can locate the funeral home and ask or maybe online access to look up ur mothers name show him. See if u can send him for counseling together. Pray over him for healing. He can’t help it. I know ur stressed but hang in there. Make a collage or photo book and give to him. It’s like training him maybe each time he will grab it snd look at it. R there senior day cares to take him to do he can meet ppl. That they help. I wish I had money bc I would really help the elderly we need places for them to visit, meet and greet and if they want to go back home they can. It would be like a get away with counselors to assist lots of activities to help them cope. I hope this helps. God Speed!

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I wish I had a answer for you. My dad had Lewy Body Dementia and I understand what you are going through. Had the very same problem with my dad. He would walk through the neighborhood looking for my mom. I just kept reminding him as kindly as I could that mom was gone. He would say Oh No and 5 mins latter he would look for her again.

Although I really have no answers for you, I just wanted you to know I support you in anyway I can. If you ever need someone to talk to or blow of steam, I will listen.

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This sounds a little morbid, but how about showing him a picture of the gravesite? Picture of the urn? Picture of the death certificate? Have a trusted doctor friend tell him? Church membership person? Other family close friend confirm it? I’m sorry I’m just rattling off things off the top my head. God bless you hang in there!

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Jean, is your father safe to be on his own for short periods of time at this point? That is something to monitor with his new onset of possible dementia symptoms but I am wondering-if he is urgently & repeatedly approaching you about this issue in the evening, can you relocate to an all night diner or coffee house, etc to continue your work, of course following the approach of not engaging in the discussion as advised by others? Just wondering if this is a way to get a breather for you and ensure you can get your work done

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Wow! What a difficult situation. I would take Dad to his pcp to ask for advice, perhaps a mild medication would help.
Is Dad able to walk? Taking him for a daily walk may help him focus on something else.
And lastly, is your Mother buried nearby? If so, do you think taking him there on a "good" day to "talk" to Mom would help? These are just suggestions. I have no idea if they would work.
Best wishes to you.

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Maybe try turning it around and asking him where he thinks she is. Ask him what the last thing she said to him was and "did she say where she was going and when she would be back, because she didn't tell me".

That's what I sometimes do with my mother who wants to know the same things about various people who are dead.

It might not work, but it might. At this point, whatever calms him down and prevents arguments.

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Try to have a forgiving attitude to your father's desire to see your Mom. And don't take what he says about you personally. This is his dementia speaking. People with dementia often don't have a good sense of time and place, and different periods of their lives merge together. Often they replay the same story over and over in their minds. His behavior is not uncommon. It sounds like you have already tried the usual ways of handling this. Can you just say something like "she didn't tell me when she'd be coming back, but she wants you to know she loves you very much," and then just excuse yourself and walk out of the room to do something else. Sometimes this will reset his mind to something else. Eventually this phase of his will pass. Be thankful he still recognizes you and can still express himself verbally! Sadly, people with dementia are not capable of giving back much to their caregivers. And it's also very sad to see your loved one declining. You are doing a very unselfish thing by caring for him, and you should be commended for it. Lower the bar of your expectations of what he is capable of doing, and seek grief therapy for yourself if needed, to get you through this difficult time. I call it grief therapy, because of the sadness of watching his decline. It might be worthwhile to get connected with a local social worker who can explain what his (and your) options are regarding care. He may be eligible for some in-home care through Medicare/Medicaid or other benefits (VA, etc.) Accept the care if you are willing to have people come to your home. You sound like you need breaks from caregiving. Also have a plan for a time when his care may be too much for you to do alone. If you have people coming to your home, lock up the valuables and personal papers. Take care of yourself and all the best to you both.

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Do you have a copy of her obituary or a folder from her funeral? Any cards that people sent to express condolences? These might serve as some kind of proof you can pull out when he starts up.

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I was thinking along the same lines as you and was wondering if a photo of her mother’s headstone would be a good thing to show her father. Possibly not but maybe?

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You have some great suggestions here and I hope you can get a doctor on board to help you. My response to my Mom looking for her parents etc over and over was "Gee I have not seen NAME, but when I do I will tell them you are looking for them" Lets go get a cup of tea, listen to some music, etc. I also was able to get her on some anti anxiety meds and as her dementia progress, she asked less and less.
Telling him the truth is no longer an option.This disease is not easy to navigate alone and I wish you all the best. Take care of yourself first and consider a memory care facility - it takes an entire village, no one person can do this alone.

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Very true, GrandmaC. I could have dug up my grandparents & siblings caskets for my mother and STILL she would have asked where they were, when her dementia was advanced! There is no 'proof' on earth to convince a dementia sufferer of ANYTHING, or counseling to 'train' the poor souls about one single thing. #Truth

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Jean...........answering his demands (AKA questions) is optional. An alternate response could be to walk away every time the situation arises or change the topic. Your mother has nothing to do with his brain disease.

Please make an appointment for you and Dad to meet up with a Geriatric Psychiatrist who can help both of you. Take a few videos with you to the appointment.

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All depends on his stage of dementia. When my mom - 87 and fully demented - asked why dad - dead for 3 years- wasn’t home from work yet I did something called “validation”. I pretended to call his office and told her no one answered so he must be on the way. This helped her calm down. Trying to “convince” her that he had died would not have worked any better. “Rest in peace” doesn’t have to mean after she was gone. It can mean what would help her now.

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Please ask your father's primary care doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist. He probably needs medications to handle anxiety.

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JeanJean2: You have done nothing wrong. Unfortunately, as your father suffers from dementia, he remains perhaps 'stuck' if you will on the premise that his wife is now suddenly among the living because his ill brain cannot recall that she has gone to heaven. Being so agitated because he's wrongly convinced himself that you are telling him some outlandish story is not good for his physical health as he could perchance suffer a stroke or any other medical event. It is imperative that he be checked out by his primary care physician. Hugs sent during this most difficult of times.

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Dad refuses to believe Mom is dead. Any advice?

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