My Dad with dementia still wants to feel useful. Any ideas?

I am taking care of and have my old high school (male) friend to take care of in my home. He does have dementia, COPD, and is not able to perform many tasks. However, we have decided on sharing household chores. I cook the meals, he sets the table, he cleans up the dishes and loads the dishwasher - when it is done unloads it. Of course, I have to search for the dishes and utensils later. I do that without complaint because it makes him feel usefull. He is a dedicated helper!! He empties the waste baskets and takes the rubbish out - not the way I would like it done - but what the hell difference does that make??
The best thing that I thought of was how he had bird feeders etc at his home. So we put in a bird and butterfly garden outside the sunroom windows. He puts the feeders out every morning and fills them. Then he takes them in again at night because the raccoons tear them apart during the night. This is a daily chore that is his responsibility. Of course, I have a comfortable chair and table that he can sit and watch the birds feed right by the windows. I am ordering a bird feeder that spins around when a squirrel tries to feed! I also have a plastic horse head that is on the ground just at the height that a squirrel can reach to feed. When, said squirrel, gets into the horse head to eat the goodies the horse head bobs around and looks as if the squirrel is a galloping horse. Much fun!!
We have know each other since school bus days and have always been friends. I trust him and he trusts me. He is a 1950's man and retains the values of that era. I am a 50's woman that never managed to fit that era mode. We respect each other for who we are.
I have to be truthfull here, taking care of him is a burden in a way. However, I could not do less. There is no replacement for feeling needed and usefull at my age than taking care of an friend that you grew up with. Besides we really like each other! He is not keeping me from doing anything I want to do - but is supportive.
We are perhaps an unusual situation but it doesn't take much to give love to someone that you do love. We both feel blessed with this arrangement.

I do the grocery shopping and set the sacks on the counter. Parents, 88 and 90, unpack the sacks and put the items into special spots on the counter and they I put them away...they feel very useful in helping now that they cannot manage grocery shopping...cold items next to refrigerator; boxed goods near the cabinets; laundry items-leave on the island. This really helps me to put things away quickly.

We all need a purpose, so the suggestions above are helpful.

Allowing a person to do what he or she can is kind and empathetic.

A caregiver sometimes has to be creative. I became my dad's "secretary" while he came up with ideas to improve the city. He didn't have AD but he had dementia due to a failed surgery.

My point isn't that this technique would work for everyone but that each person needs to feel useful in some way. Having the person with dementia hold the tools while the well person fixes something or finding safe things to do in the kitchen can make a difference.

There are some wonderful suggestions here from the community. I hope that they help.
Carol

We used to give him easy things to do with us. He was happy to carry out these simple tasks. I guess we all need a purpose.

I am presently caring (in my home) for an old friend (my junior prom date) we rode the school bus together. So I remember him as a boy and a good friend. He was very strong, a good athlete, was a construction worker, and loved to garden. He also loves to collect things, stamps, guns,civil war books etc. He feels useless because he cannot physically do things he used to do. He also feels guilty about it. I do know he is a very private proud person. All of the things he did for pleasure were solitary projects. Here is how I have found some success.
1. We share household duties. I cook - he cleans up and loads & empties the dishwasher. I told him it would help me if he doesn't know where something goes to leave it on the counter for me to do later. This sorta works. But it gives him a responibility (sp) that makes him feel usefull.

2.He also is in charge of emptying waste baskets and taking the rubbish out. A manly chore.

3. When my sons come to do the heavy yard work that he is unable to do. I suggested he just take a nap. They always stay and talk with him. They make sure he knows what sports teams are playing and what time- and what channel. If they are here they write him a list to keep by his tv chair - if not they call to remind him. My son played college ball and they often discuss the game afterwards. So even if I can't share these things with him - I found someone who could. He is not forgotten.

4) I do remember when he lived in his home he had bird feeders and watched the birds feed while he had his morning coffee. I am fortunate and have a detached cluster home with a small farm pond in the backyard. This year I made a bird and butterfly garden outside the back windows. His job is to fill the bird feeders. He has his morning coffee watching the birds feed in a comfortable chair with a small table in front to hold his coffee or a snack. We take the bird feeders in at night (because of racoons) and that is his job. Many a pleasant hour has been spent with he and I enjoying the birds and ducks and squirles(sp?) cavort in the backyard.

5. My friend was a confirmed bachelor and took care of a blind diabetic mother. He forgo many things. His mom was a diabetic and blind. He took wonderful care of her-the best he could. This resulted in after she died him never having to cook again and he ate all his meals out. I love to cook so eating out does not appeal to me. However, I cook what he likes and keep the menu varied (similar to a restaurant). What we do is go out to eat at his favorite restaurants of the day and make an occasion of it.

5. I think the most important part of this is that we are a team. He often has bouts of the guilties. I handle that with humor. We laugh and I tell him that what is important now is that we are together - working together - and enjoying it. I am also old and have health problems. He takes care of me and I take care of him. That reasoning is how I reached an understanding with him. If you are a son or daughter that is much younger and inexperienced it would be difficult to know the things about your person that you who are caring for could relate to. However I am sure there is some way.

It would be difficult for a younger person to relate to this problem and visa/versa them to understand you and your life style. I guess the best part of this dilema is we are talking about responsible adults dealing with things that we have not experienced - yet!! I wish you the best of luck and I also understand.
Take a deep breath. Look for alternitives. Make your choice and try them one at a time. What seems great to you may not interest them. I admit I had an inside track - riding a school bus with him and he taking me to my junior prom because my current boyfriend was in the navy and they would not let him come home! A castrope (sp?) to me at the time!

So, my advice or consolment is to, take a deep breath and look at this situation from a different viewpoint. It you are the caretaker I feel for you and wish you luck. It often seems life is not fair - however if you do what you think is right (whatever that may be) it will be right for you. You can only do the best you can. What more can life ask of you?

Rose

Looking back, I, too, posted over a year ago. Jan 2015. So, now, he's sleeping a lot. He's up and dressed each morning, though. The only things I want to get him involved in because of his lack of memory, is to help set the table at night. and he wants to take out the trash cans on trash day. Years ago, he wrote his life story. He's reading it again. Bringing him wonderful memories that I can't share because we were married then. His wife, may she rest in peach, died in 1980.

This is a year old post but it came up again on my radar today and I'm always looking for ideas to keep Dad busy, too, as he no longer has the mobility or the focus to do the things that used to be his hobbies (financial planning and golf) and we have explored all the ways to do a simpler versions without much success. Nor is he interested in picking up new hobbies such as crafts or puzzles. Used to do model airplanes as a kid but can't handle the complexity anymore and is bored by things simple enough for a child. We visited an adult day care but I didn't think it was stimulating enough, although the people were friendly. He lives in his own apartment, unable to drive or walk very well, and he relies heavily on me for conversation, activities, direction, etc. I've hired someone for companion care a few hours each day and he rejects most (but not all) of her suggestions for exercise or games because he is unable to do them very well or very long. Mostly they watch sports on TV and he falls asleep. She has been unwilling or unable to get him outside much during the winter - he has no stamina for even the least amount of shopping and she doesn't eat. When I am there, I will ask him to help me fold the laundry or make the salad, but his attention span wavers off tasks and I end up doing them. The spirit is willing but the mind is weak. So, I am always interested in what has worked for others. Thanks for the suggestions.

Around the holidays i provided my father with 500 or so greeting cards. .many rolls of scotch tape..sticky labels and old family phone books. He loves tape and making lists. He said he was Working for weeks.

tinlady
Wow! What a lot of answers from such helpful people. Some have answers that I was thinking of, and some that I thought were so great that I wondered why I hadn't thought of it. I hope that something will be just the right fit for your dad. Good luck and God bless.

The adult medical day care is a great idea and they do allow the clients to assist with various tasks. It's important to feel needed, what kind of activities did he enjoy in the past? Make a list and modify them. For example if he can no longer build a birdhouse he may be able to paint one that is pre-made. If he can walk with no issues he can rake leaves, sweep the floor, fold laundry etc. Maybe he can 'organize' a part of the closet or garage. Maybe he can peel potatoes for dinner, The adult day care can be from 1 to 5 days per week but I hear some of them also have weekend hours.

My mom has certain things she can do on some days but not others, depending how she feels and whether she remembers. Some activities that help her feel useful that she sometimes does are: set the table, clear off the table, dust mop the floor, sweep the porch in good weather, prepare her laundry (getting all her clothes and towels into the basket), changing her bed linens on laundry day, maintaining a few plants we probably have around to give her something to take care of, taking her clothes to her room on laundry day and putting them away, making sure there's enough toilet paper in the bathrooms, doing some light weeding in the yard.

This might sound like a lot but she does just a few of these when she's up to it and remembers. If her balance isn't good, I don't even remind her to take her clothes from the laundry room. If she's feeling healthy and doesn't think to set the table, I'll ask her to help me by setting it and will thank her. If she doesn't remember where the plates are, I'll remind her. She forgets when she's watered her plants and sometimes kills them so we just buy her another. She forgets she's killed the last one and seems fine with the new plant. She tried writing the watering dates on her calendar but forgets to check her calendar.

My point is that it will vary from day-to-day.

Ask him to design a dream business plan and run the business. He sounds as if he won't be insulted if he makes it into a self-challenging game. If there any retired businessmen around town that may want to coach him or play the game with him, that could be very helpful.

I understand that word games and such aren't attractive to many people but they need to keep their minds active. Young people play "fantasy" games building cities and such. Your husband could build a dream business. Just a thought but it may be worth running by him.

If that won't work, get him a Sims role playing game where he can build cities and such. There are likely others. Challenging enough to use his skills.
Good luck,
Carol

My Dad is already in a facility, but has the same desire to be 'useful'....to 'work' and be involved. The caregivers are very good, in that they've arranged for him to 'work' with the maintenance man (actually a fairly young man, more like a grandson, agewise) and this guy is very skilled, in that he gets Dad to be the 'helper'...hold this, help me carry that, we're going over here to fix ....... etc. and then if Dad starts to act like he's the 'boss', this young man is very capable of just going along with that, while they get the jobs done. This same young man, also helps with some activities and the men do things like build and paint bird houses in the spring....and then put them up in various trees around the facility. Keeps the men using hammers, hand saws, paint....things they used to do so they can identify with the tools. My dad also grew his own jalapeno chili's in his backyard, and they know this , so they pull him in with some of the ladies when it's time to plant flowers in the garden...and water it etc. He enjoys that too. So perhaps, for a Dad who is still at home, some of those kinds of things could still be found to do also.

Several activities my husband enjoys, each one requires my coaching, but he takes pride in helping with my too-many chores: sweeping off the decks any time of year, letting the dog out and waiting for her return, loading and unloading the car after trips or grocery shopping, vacuuming, helping unload the dishwasher, making money decisions after i explain all aspects to be considered, making his own bed in the morning, clearing the dining table, choosing a movie or tv program, changing batteries, changing license plates, carrying out trash or recycles, helping cart those to the street on wednesdays, playing solitare, with my coaching. All these require unobtrusive supervision by me, but the payoff in his self-satisfaction is worth it.

Cheyenne93, I suggest Sudoku. It's numbers and logic. There are free games on the computer or paperback booklets.

My hubby dealt in major fraud while working & like keeping statistics. At home, he'd keep statistics of bills, mileage on trips. He'd keep for comparison the "next time" or the "next month" or "next year" He enjoyed this, and I had no problem with him doing it. He wasn't squandering or being a scrooge. Just liked doing it. Question, what can he do now that would keep his interest. It can be on the computer since he's comfortable with that; but, also something can be on paper. Don't think he'd do well with crossword puzzles or word searches.

How about sorting and identifying old photos? Maybe scan them to a computer and bring them up full screen to make them easier to see.

Lots of good answers here! Another thing both my husband and my mother enjoyed doing once in a while is running private papers through the shredder. I always seemed to have enough on hand, but you could supplement the stack with junk mail.

My mother really seems to get into sorting things. (My husband wasn't as fond of this.) She liked matching socks from the laundry. If I emptied my purse of all the miscellaneous coins she would stack them for me. Now at the nursing home I've given her a large jar of beads and a container to sort them into by color. She just likes the activity but it also makes her feel good that these are for the beading activity that is held periodically there.

Just sorting for no reason is fine, but if it can be tied to something useful that is a bonus.

Give him a screwdriver and ask him to tighten cabinet knobs, door knobs or any other screws he can find.
Clean out sock drawers of holey or stretched out socks.
Caulk gun or tube to caulk around doors and windows.
Load and unload the dishwasher.
Roll pennies from the penny jar (doesn't everyone have a penny jar?)
Be responsible for pets (if he has one)
Polish shoes, silverware, furniture.
Hand wash delicate laundry.
Windex the windows. Wipe down the blinds.
Alphabetize or otherwise organize the spices, books, CD's, DVD's.
Reorganize the pantry, refrigerator, freezer.
Collect the state quarters and put them in folders.
Box up 2014 files and get file folders ready for 2015.
Shred old stuff.
These are just a few things he could do at MY house. Send him on over!

If he can't use the computer, why don't you get a note book and a pen. Sit down beside him and tell him you and he are going to write his biography. Let him tell it to you as you write it down. It will get him thinking. He may remember some happy times. If he gets into unhappy times to often, tell him you already have that, and go back to happy times. His growing up, Military life, if any. When his children were born. I am sure you can think of other times.

I would also suggest you contact your local library, community and senior center if they are offered in your area. Often, they will need help stuffing envelopes for mailings as well as know of other activities -- they might be provided for adults with disabilities so be sure to ask about those programs too. They could be a good fit.

Be direct & use no abstract thinking at all, avoiding it if possible.
If allowed to, maintain eye contact.
Your attitude plays an very important part.
LISTEN~GIVE PRAISE FOR SMALL ACCOMPLISHMENTS.
Don't shout or talk down to him.
Keep decreased stimulation.
(Lord, I am writing a care plan?) I might as well finish it.
Repeat if necessary, if need be.
Loss of independence is a large cause of aggression. FYI
Your not alone~IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER.

I agree with all the Answers. Gives Hubby dignity to be able to still do something. He wanted to write his life story. So, I taught him a word processing program on the computer (OpenOffice openoffice.org is free & a lot like Word). So that I don't need to constantly peek over his shoulder (cause I can't see the screen that far anyhow), I've installed TeamViewer teamviewer (another freebee) on our putters so I can see his monitor on mine. I'll be glad to help you set these up.

Does he have any hobbies? Since he's good with his hands, perhaps he can work on crossword puzzles or jigsaw puzzles? Maybe build a model car or plane for starters? He doesn't have to do things around the house to feel useful does he? It sounds like he needs to occupy his time.

Useful things to do at home: Folding laundry; dating canned goods after they are purchased so things get cycled out regularly; any house cleaning task that is comfortable to do, like dusting or vacuuming, taking care of one room; setting the table or clearing the table after a meal. Think of the many things that you do during the day that are very routine but do take time. I imagine he wants to feel he is really contributing, and working from your list will help. These are suggestions that a friend of mine had used with her mother.

You've very wise to recognize that we all need to feel useful. I like the idea of adult day care because he can be a "volunteer" in that setting. Many people thrive on that.

Also, at least one ADC here in my community actually has a real "shop" where the guys - and women if they want - can go and build things under supervision.

Other ideas mentioned here are good, too. The key is to let your dad lead the way and allow as much as he can do. Offer help but do so with tact. The caregiver can say "would you help me learn that?" The you or the caregiver can do the trickier part while your dad "instructs" you.

Good luck with your search. You have the right instincts so you'll find ways to help him.
Carol

buy a build your own shed.kit.(man cave) get another man to help.

How about an adult day care. My dad goes to one and they find things for him to do.

My dad likes going grocery shopping or other shopping where you need a cat as he pushes it and helps load into car.
Dad can do the word search puzzle books for hours.
When warm outside my dad would pick up small sticks from lawn, light weeding in veg garden too.

I can identify with your 'problem'. My dad was/is the same. fighting hard to hold onto his dignity and feel useful. Due to his prostrate problem, he has started to soil himself and we were obliged to put him into a AL. He never wanted to acknowledge the problem and wanted to do stuff, but he did not cope and we tried. We tried involving him in the garden, but he got bored after a short while. he was always creative and loved working with his hands. Now he plays games at the AL with friends or sits in the garden with them.

Games or puzzles might keep him occupied.