My dad, who is 85 in Assisted Living for Parkinson's and dementia, is saying he's going to die soon and is telling me to use his money to pay off my house and donate large amounts to churches. My dad is financially comfortable, I'm his only child and his POA. He is in good health (except for the above conditions). He calls me 3 times a day asking me to do this before he dies. I don't mind donating some money to churches, but not the amounts he wants. And don't feel comfortable taking money now to pay off my house. Eventually his estate will go to me anyway. He doesn't understand or forgets when I tell him this so would it be bad if I just tell him that I did all that he wants to give him some piece of mind? As his POA, I need to make sure he has enough funds for the rest of his life. But as his daughter, I feel that I should honor his wishes. Confused!
Sorry to bore anyone with babble but I find this stuff really useful...
'Erikson’s 8 Stages of Psychosocial Development':
The last stage is called *integrity vs despair*. He said that people in late adulthood reflect on their lives and feel either a sense of satisfaction or a sense of failure. People who feel proud of their accomplishments feel a sense of integrity, and they can look back on their lives with few regrets.
Sounds like Dad would like to feel he's contributed financially for good, to leave a legacy.
Confirm that he has. He can feel proud & at peace.
As POA you are required to carry forth the stated wishes of a competent adult, and to act in the BEST INTERESTS of an adult no longer able to make competent decisions. As you say, the Estate will go to you anyway. Carry forth his wishes at that time, when it is certain that he will NEVER have need of that money in any way. Best to you.
I was doing the same with my Dad, making sure he had enough funds for the rest of his life, that was the MAIN thing, as living elderly can become expensive. One never knows what ailment will hit next. Donations came later, after my Dad had passed.
None of the donation requests were in Dad's Will /Trust, but I knew what he wanted to do, and carried out those plans.
I finally convinced Dad to just let my brother and me give our respective children money later on once we inherit it, because that money still belongs to our mom until she dies. That satisfied him. I have since given all the grandchildren some money (Mom is still alive), and I've made a few donations in her name to charities she and my dad always supported, but by and large the funds remain intact and will until Mom passes.
If your dad can be reasoned with at all, tell him you're keeping a list of his wishes and you'll carry them out once he's done needing his money. If that doesn't work, then yes, the white lie is the way to go.
If he asks, you can even produce “receipts” that you’ve printed up.
You are a compassionate daughter. If something happened to you, you would have wanted to continue to have your Dad’s needs met. Good for you for having an honest heart.
What you tell your Dad to give him peace, might be a different story.
My grandma lived the last 2 weeks of her life in a NH, and was running the show from there. My mom was 'commanded' to disassemble GG's house and begin the packing of all her things to make it easier for when she did pass. Well--we opted for a therapeutic fib and told her we were doing just that. (It was a total lie, we were sorting and cleaning, but not giving away ANYTHING.)
GG died with peace of mind that things had gone exactly as she wanted. We were prepared and so the final settling of her small estate was not so hard on mom.
As far as 'not being comfortable' with large amounts to churches, well, what does his will state? If it's in line with his verbal wishes, you really need to honor those requests.
In the meantime--and yes, he could still live quite a while--just organize stuff and box things up but do NOT give away his monetary assets. Then telling him you're working on it is not a lie.
You WILL honor his wishes. In time. Just not today.
I'm not positive, but I bet if you pulled out enough money to pay off your house and make all these donations while he's still alive, there could be serious ramifications when he does pass.
Good Luck. We're so programmed to do just what our folks ask us to do, aren't we?
I am an only child and the financial and medical POA for my mother; dad signed over all of his finances to me back in 2014 so there would be nothing to worry about once they both passed away. Hopefully, you're in the same boat so there is nothing to worry about with taxes, etc. Once your dad passes, you'll do with his estate as you see fit, taking his wishes into full consideration after making sure his bills are all paid in AL while he's still alive (which is what I've been doing).
When dementia is at play, the ONLY thing that matters is keeping them calm and peaceful, even when we use white lies to achieve that goal. Who cares? We can't apply rules of normalcy to a disease of the brain! All bets are off!
Wishing you the best of luck!
I'm with you on keeping all the assets in place for now. There's no way to know how long he has left, so you want to be sure there are enough assets to be there if needed. I managed mom's trust with a tight fist, not even paying myself for all that I did, because we had no way to know how long she might live! Well managed, there's enough left that it might have lasted another 8-10 years!
(I do kick myself a bit now, as there's no way to recoup payment for my time, 6 years, and all that I did from the trust now - you are sole beneficiary, not so in our case. Bros were pretty much absent, but they get equal share.)