FIL wanted never to go to a nursing home, so family is killing themselves to care for him at his own home, where he has lived for decades. He says he wants to go home. He doesn't mean heaven. He is convinced that he is not in his own house and "they" are going to throw him out or bill him. His wife, also 85, is distressed by this because she wants him to know he's at home just like he wanted; so she argues with him and tells him he is at home, which just gets him mad. His son just tells him that it's OK for him to stay there for now or maybe they'll go home later; but Mom keeps up with the arguing. Any ideas what to say to either of them?
It's a sad situation, and I hope that it's a warning to everyone to make arrangements for your care that don't lay the guilt trip on your loved ones to try to do a job that they are really not capable to do for you.
I would explore medication with his doctor if he seems to be anxious about going home. Also, keep in mind that he may leave that phase and stop making that comment at some point.
We also thought about when she starts telling him he is at home and he argues, maybe we can say, "Dad, Mom's having a hard time with you being sick, and she's kinda confused. You know it doesnt do any good to argue with her, so let's just drop it, OK?" That will probably make her mad, but it is true and might restore the peace once she sees the truth in it.
Nasmir, if you meant the question about hygiene for this discussion, he is way beyond that. He has no control of any ADLs, and requires constant care and supervision.
Thanks to all who offered help.
Is there anyone outside of the family who might be able to explain some aspects of dementia to her in a way she might not accept from family?
When my husband first had dementia and wanted to go home, I tried to convince him that he was at home. I wanted him to relax, and I also wanted credit for keeping him home! I discovered over time that arguing with the delusions of a person with dementia was a lost cause. He thought our house was a hotel or a train station or even a high school!
The "maybe we can go home later" approach is very appropriate. Life will be easier for everyone if someone can convince Mom of this.
For what it is worth, these kinds of delusions only lasted a few months for my husband and then only came up again when he was very tired. With luck, your FIL will move on to other fixations.