Short version:
Mom and Dad were married for 70 years; Mom died one year ago. Maria was a part-time care giver for Mom and has been a part-time assistant for Dad since then. He is 92, very sharp and still athletic (rides his bike daily, drives, etc.)
In the last two weeks he has brought up multiple times the idea of marrying her and why it would be beneficial for HER if he were to do so. He wants to thank her for taking care of him by marrying her so she 1) gets his insurance benefits, 2) receives his social security benefits, 3) can shelter money from her ex-husband. He says she can still have boyfriends and live her normal life.
Needless to say, I am flipping out. He is taking his paperwork to his lawyer today to talk with her about this.
This is disgusting and he refuses to see that she is manipulating and preying on him. Please help. Any advice is appreciated.
http://www.preventelderabuse.org/elderabuse/fin_abuse.html
This website identifies professing love and similar activities as elder abuse. Providing care is a profession; she should not be able to do what she is doing for financial reasons.
Even if they have already married, it is not too late to contact law enforcement.
Why is she discussing her financial issues with him and her financial needs? Is she playing on his sympathies? Hoping to get money? Or just a social person who feels a closeness with him. And let her have boyfriends! Yikes, a stranger with such influence over his legal wife. And she is not an American citizen.
Why would he not want to have Thanksgiving with his family (which is odd) but with a caregiver. So many red flags here.
I would just keep a close eye on him and like someone else said, drop in unexpectedly.
And I don't think you are greedy as one person said. If my husband had not protected his mother a con artist would have taken advantage of her and taken everything she had. He had a criminal record and conned her in church.
Can't be too careful.
I think you're both wise and humane to let the dogs settle down to sleep again. And, as you say, if your father enjoys Maria's company and there is nothing untoward going on, then where's the harm? Thank you for updating, hope it all continues well.
She is still employed and spends 3-4 hours a day at his home. It makes him happy and I do not want to take that away from him. Instead of going with us and our extended family (as he did last year) to the desert for Thanksgiving, he chose to let his caregiver host her family Thanksgiving at his home. He didn't have to do any of the work, and he enjoyed having his house filled with people. I am OK with it because I don't see that he is any danger. Thanks, everyone, for your thoughtful responses; they really helped me find clarity and a difficult time.
Do you see anything here I'm not seeing?
Settlement: She will still have to pay the child support.
None of this makes any sense.. I think Dad is losing it.
Get your own lawyer and talk it over. Talk about Guardianship.
Ok, I'm now a bit puzzled. So having had his mind changed (by what means? - or would I be sorry I asked?) from his initial reaction of 'get lost', he is now contemplating marrying her so that she can continue to benefit from his assets after he passes away, and all the rest of it, and meanwhile she still gets to live her own life, shag whomever she likes, and so on and so on. And what, does he say, is in it for him? What's the appeal from his point of view?
If the Dad feels grateful of the wonderful care the Caregiver had given his wife and now him, he can give her a gift of money [or whatever] now so he can see the smile and delight of her receiving said gift. He wouldn't see that once he passes.
Recently I gave my ex-mother-in-law a sum of money and she is so delighted, I hadn't heard her this happy in ages.... she has been a great friend to me even though her son and I had parted ways decades ago. I was going to leave her something in my Will but I had a light-bulb moment that maybe she would enjoy some of the money now... as she could very easily predecease me.