My Dad (94) wants his wife (85) to be his sole caregiver but he's uncooperative and jealous. Advice?

What his wife can't do is change him or force him into doing anything. What she can do is try to have a life in their facility. Encourage her to participate in activities to get out of the apartment.

Your dad is angry because of his decline and limitations. It's not unusual for this kind of anger to extend to the closest person. In this case, your stepmom. She doesn't have to run around all day everyday but it would be good for her to put down some roots in the community and make some friends.

She is too old to manage this situation, and it will not be a satisfactory outcome for either of them. I agree with the previous poster, that his anger will escalate due to his decline and limitations and if he's getting dementia, on top of parkinson, well that's not easy to manage in itself for well trained personal care staff. Seek out some additional help - perhaps for bathing, cleaning the house, not sure how meals are handled there but her company alone will be a comfort to him. Try talking to your mother and position it that she is his primary support but that she will have some additional help/support. That message will flow to him, he may struggle with it but he needs to lose that battle. Ultimately, with extra care, they both get what they need and want. You will have to step in to make it happen, but be comforted knowing you are doing the best thing to help keep them independent as long as possible.

bmj, your post wasn't too long at all and you have so much support and understanding here. We would wish things to be so different for our parents. right? Do you talk to the staff/director much, or is all your news from dad's wife? The staff surely have an approach for all sorts of situations. Also, when wife needs help it should probably be women :) for understandable reasons. What does dad's doctor say? Maybe he could get a bit more meds for what's not only coming out as impatience or anger, but is probably anxiety as well. Seems he'd do better with a bit more authority figure input and not just his wife, as you say she can only handle so much. The staff should be supporting her coping strategy. Best wishes to you and them.

I hope you will step in to help your stepmom get them both into assisted living. Please try to keep in mind that dad is not himself and, unfortunately, should NOT have a vote. I know that's hard to hear, but it's the truth. And realize that you probably know only half of it.

Take a few days and go there. Take stepmom with to talk to the facility. Help her move and get situated. You. Be the heavy, as hard as that's going to be. "Dad, enough! Stepmom needs help. This is the way it's going to be. Period."

Then, when it's all over, collapse into a chair and cry. But, be sure to tuck in your angel wings or they'll get wrinkled.

At age 85, she's already considered an elder herself and simply cannot and SHOULD not be a full-time caregiver. HE can't make good decisions like this!

It is a tough situation. But, your mom must go for help. So what if he becomes angry. He will get over it. I am happy to hear that you have such a good relationship with your step mom. I have two step sons and the one son and his wife literally hate me. The other son wrote me a letter last week short but to the point. He thanked me for taking care of his dad. He lives in Germany and cannot afford to visit his dad. He speaks English, so I am going to start writing to him so he can share with the rest of the family how his dad is doing. There is always something that is hard to deal with when there are step kids. I would make sure that your step mom is going to be taken care of after your dad passes. Thats number one. But, tell your step mom not to feel guilty about forcing help on your dad. Eventually, he will understand. I will pray for you. God Bless

I am 65 and I think I am a sole care taker and I am pooped its unrealistic for your mom to even try get her help for him and her or all the family help them just don't call it help I have already told my husband he better be helpful for me and if I need a helper or I will have no choose but get himin a home for his care since there bothold a diffedifferent living place might be for couple care there chooses are always hard but they do get done happily by the elderly every day so good luck and peace

I went through this with my parents when both lived at home. It will help to understand that dementia, YES....does come with Parkinson's sometimes, later in the disease. Dementia does have stages that involve paranoia, and my Dad also thought when Mom went to the grocery store, she was actually seeing a 'boy friend'....or that someone was going to try to steal their car etc. Then, understand (and it took me a LONG time to come to terms with this one!) once there is dementia, no matter how educated or how logical someone with dementia sounds or used to be....there is no rational discussion to be had, because their brain no longer works properly! So, it may be that Dad expects his wife to be his caretaker, because he remembers that he cared for his first wife just fine until she died....BUT he is not getting what his age was then, and what his wife's age is now, or any differences in health of various people. Then, she tries to get help for herself, and his paranoia sets in, and perhaps his change in daily routine indicates some depression setting in as he realizes that he can no longer function as he used to. Perhaps a way to try to get by together for a bit longer is for her to say she needs a helper for HER so SHE can help him more....and get a female to come in to 'look like' she's helping with housework etc, but that person could work at befriending your Dad and could slowly start to offer to help him with things? This worked very well with my parents. We agreed, Dad and I, that MOM needed help and we would try hiring someone for a MONTH, as a trial. Mom and I knew that this person was really a caregiver for Dad....but the gal was so skilled, that she spent time talking to Dad about their common love for knitting and other things....and she would stop to help him fix the remote and other small things...in between 'appearing' to be helping with housework etc ....that at the end of a month, she was Dad's friend and he thought she'd been coming there forever...and she was able to help him shower, dress and do all manner of things that he would refuse to do if Mom wanted him to do. The other option, if it is dementia and it gets worse, is to move Dad into memory care, or even a day care program outside the facility that is geared for dementia behaviors, if memory care is not under their same roof. Day care programs have little to no cost, and they even come pick up the persons attending, and bring them back. In AZ they are about 6 hours long, which gives Mom a break for her own self or to do other things she must do. And I also agree with someone above who mentioned, that it may be time for MD evaluation and what I call 'happy pills'. My parents MD has been helpful to add in anti anxiety meds or anti depressant meds and sell them as something that would help appetite or help the brain work better....not lies, as some of these meds do help with those problems as well as their primary reasons for being given. If you are not sure what's up with Dad, the doctor can order a Neuro Psych eval and it would be paid for by Medicare. It will diagnose dementia or Alzheimer's etc and the psychologist who does the eval will make recommendations as to treatments, safety guidelines etc. This eval could be used to declare him incompetent to handle his own affairs and thus invoke a power of attorney over him so you or his wife would have authority to make decisions he didn't like...but would keep him safe. When elders get too limited, the main focus needs to change from keeping them happy to keeping them SAFE! Again, a lesson that took me a LONG TIME personally to come to terms with.... It's very hard. Dealing with my two parents and their health care needs at 93 yrs old and 89 yrs old....and both with dementias....has been the hardest thing ever for me. I am a retired RN and 71 yrs old myself.

Good for you, Oregongirl!

This is an all too common situation. It's difficult to see your parents' lives go downhill this way. It sounds like your dad probably has some depression along with the dementia and Parkinson's. I would speak with his doctor, especially about any medications he's on or perhaps should be on. If their not using any of the services the assisted living community offers, is he taking his medications properly? I would also ask the staff there to help - not necessarily that they start services which he is refusing, but that they make the suggestion to start services. If they've lived there long enough he should have some connections.
As for your mom, just like the other comments above, encourage her to stay as positive as possible in her outlook and interactions with your dad, and to get out and enjoy what the community offers.

I wish you all the best!