Dad is 90 and Mom is 89. Dad needs/wants to move to AL and has secured a unit there. He is very mentally stable, but has physical issues prompting the move. Mom refuses to go. She is 89 with mild to moderate dementia. Her doctor has declared her incompetent, so she has no choice in the move. She refuses to visit the facility. She won't leave the house, even to go to the doctor, and has refused to go to her last 3 appointments (hence another reason to make the move). My Dad, my brothers, and I are trying to find the easiest, kindest way to move Mom to the facility. Her doctor has prescribed medications to help make her more relaxed and less agitated, but they aren't working. If the move is brought up, she gets very angry. Even though she will probably forget what happens on moving day, we would like it to lessen the trauma for all involved. Dad knows we might have to get a medical transport for her, but it's very upsetting for him to think of doing that. I can't think of a way to get her out of the house so the move can take place. She won't go out for lunch or willingly go to anyone's house, even for a visit. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.
We had a very recalcitrant FIL (well, I had a recalcitrant FIL and my hubs had a recalcitrant father :) ). Whenever we used a non-emergency medical transport for him, he was much calmer than if anyone he knew tried to take him anywhere. If I were you, I'd just book the non-emergency medical transport now. Also, talk to the doctor's office and see if you can get something a little stronger just for that day.
Overall--and this is something I had to learn over a long time--just realize that if she's that upset, she'll be upset no matter what anyone does. So, now is the time for all of you to make the move easiest on yourselves. If your mom is going to be upset, she's going to be upset. If it were a child, would the parents not move house because the child was upset? Now your mom is the child, and you and your dad are the parents. No matter what her fears are telling her, it'll be best for her in assisted living. Just get through that day the best way you can, and be kind to yourselves in the process.
Dad was so upset with her as he knew living in a single family house with a lot of stairs wasn't senior friendly for them anymore being they were in their 90's. Sure enough Mom had a major fall and she had to move into a Nursing Home.
Later Dad moved to Independent Living and later to Assisted Living. Dad loved living in a senior facility as the facility did the housekeeping and linen service. Plus he liked having a nurse available 24 hours a day. Oh how he wished my Mom was with him.
I believe some of us as we get older feel comfort of just staying home. I know when I get home from work, I rarely leave the house. Going out if just too tiring for me, and for my sig other, and here we are only in our 70's :P
Has something frightened or upset her? Did she have a fall or some other bad experience?
I should forget all about the move as far as she's concerned (i.e. carry on with the practical plans but maintain total radio silence around her), tell her to think no more of it if she brings the subject up, and focus on making her feel safe and reassured. Give it a week, see if she's more relaxed, and take it from there.
In the end, she doesn't *need* to know; and forward planning is stressful for people with dementia at the best of times, even if they like the plan.
One more thing: has she always, from way back, maintained that she won't leave her current home unless it's in a wooden box?
You're ignoring your mother's threats, just taking them on the chin. Good idea. But unfortunately you (you the family, not you individually) have also ignored everything your mother has ever told you about her wishes and her hopes; and then you call her stubborn and worry that she won't co-operate when the time comes for her to be moved.
If somebody told you that you had no choice about where you lived, that what you wanted didn't count, that you were going like it or not, and that what you were being offered is really nice (implies: don't be so ungrateful) - how would you take it?
Your father needs to go to the ALF, he has secured a place there, I've no reason to doubt that his decision is well-researched and correct. I don't even doubt that it will eventually prove to be the right decision for your mother's welfare too. But for heaven's sake! - has anybody tried listening to her at all? Instead of just telling her she's wrong? And nuts!
It's really for your father to deal with his wife, reassure her, and convince her that this move is right for both of them. Your brothers and you had best keep a low profile.
If the medical transport does become the only option, remind your father that they are professionals and they will have dealt with MUCH more challenging situations before. Trust them to do their job, and it will be over before any of you know it.
Deal with things, then, as they are *now.* If your mother's dementia (you say mild to moderate; but you also say she's been declared incompetent, and "forgetting in minutes" also sounds well past anything like mild) means that she cannot retain information at all, then it is not only pointless but stressful to her to persist in explanations; we're back to the first strategy of planning the logistics but leaving her in peace.
Also, stop telling her about the cancer. Not because she wouldn't care if she could understand it, but simply because even if she gets it in the moment she can't retain the information. It is too much for her to process. Does your father have practical help in the home just to tide him over this phase?
Let her routine carry on as normally as possible, talk about other subjects, hope that the dust settles over the next week or two, and then invite her to get into the car like it's all situation normal. Maybe consider a dress rehearsal - going just for a drive or out for a snack - a day or two before the big day.
If you feel that you need a transporter then hire one. Or move your dad there first, most likely she will want to see him, that may be your chance to get her out of the house and to the facility.
She has been diagnosed as mentally incompetent, you are wanting her to react like a normal person, this is out of her spectrum.
She was mad, sad, and lonely. 3 days later we moved her to where Dad was living. She was so pleased with herself, for 'making' us listen to what she. She Did Not remember that she refused to move at the same time Dad moved. this was from one level of AL to another. The second was rated to be able to care for him, the first was/is a lovely place, they just are not rated the same as the other one. Best Wished for your journey. God Bless you all. I am glad the rest of the family is thinking the same as yourself and you do not have to do this alone, emotionally!!
Let us know!!
With that in mind, she will also forget the extra Xanax, the ride to the ALF, and the move. She may wind up liking it perfectly fine over there, and being with your dad, and life can get back to normal in short order. Who knows? In any event, her safety and care is of utmost importance here, not keeping her 'happy' or trying to coddle her stubborn streak. There are times in life when we have to do what we have to do, and so we do. Yes, we'd love to lessen the trauma as much as possible, but in reality, medication will do that rather well.
I had to move my dad into an ALF back in 2014. My mother did not feel like she 'belonged' in an ALF, and was resistant to the move. Poor dad longed for her, and yet she dragged her heels and didn't move in with him for about 5 weeks. When the day finally arrived, he was waiting for her in the hallway, in his wheelchair, a giant grin on his face, with open arms, and she was her usual sour and miserable self, barely saying Hello.
She wound up needing Assisted Living even more than HE did, so it all worked out just fine, by the way. Dad passed away 10 months later and my mother is still her usual, sour, miserable self and still living in the ALF, just in the Memory Care section nowadays.
Best of luck.
Maybe people's suggestions that you not talk about it but just move them when the day comes are the best idea.
Start by getting the new place looking more familiar: similar furnishings, pictures, linen...
Decide on the "day" and "time" when the move will occur. Plan for it to be an upsetting day. Maybe talk with the doctor about antianxiety meds or sedatives to help ease "moving day". Also, talk with the doctor about how to transfer mom that would be the least upsetting for everyone.
Find out the schedule of the "new place" and start getting your mom used to the new routines there. It will make the "new place" less scary and confusing if she is accustomed to usual activities.
Expect her to have "bad days" initially. She will not be happy about the changes, but she will adjust. Eventually, AL will become home.
Even saying things like "mom thank you for helping us get dad the help he needs ... by the way do you want to make an appointment for the on site hairdresser" - be sure to get her into the recreation activities - my mom did 10 per week + religious ones & she blossomed with the added brain stimulus
She might be worried that she is going to be parked in a NH & forgotten so if you take the spotlight off of her & focus on your dad then she might be more co-operative