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I think he's confusing Power of Attorney with Guardianship.
I don't think POA has anything to do with saying who can visit. If he has Medical POA, he has the right to make decisions on her behalf, so your opinion would be just that, an opinion. Is your mother mentally debilitated? Does she have a Living Will in place? I'm sorry about your mother's stroke and the arguing between you and your dad. That's so unfortunate.
I think txcamper is right legally, but captain is right in practice. It is possible that your father could talk the NH into restricting visitors even though he doesn't have the legal right to.
But even without the POA, her husband has more say about decisions on her behalf than you do. If you think X should be done and he thinks Y should be done, then Y it is. Knowing that maybe you'd be better off not fighting him. Persuasion is your main tool here.
Is mother unable to speak for herself at this time?
She is able to speak and think and remember. I think she is more able to be a part of her care decisions and would want to be. She is just very physically disabled. He thinks my speaking to her about her future care decisions just causes her more stress. This is what precipitated the threat and verbal abuse toward me. All decisions are his to make on his own now. I am tired of trying to help whilst he is increasingly being combative about anything that veers from his opinion. He comes home to my house and drinks and is unhappy. His threat made me realize where I stand with him. And I will still see my mom as long as I can. I love my parents and will help when I can, but I will not be threatened. I draw the line there. He has been living with me since mom had her stroke. I have now asked him to leave and he has. I have been supporting them for the past two months since moms stroke with basically everything. I think he is somehow mentally becoming more and more protective of her. Cocooning around her so to speak. He is in mental misery and refuses to try to find anything positive about this experience. My hope is to remain in my moms life as long as I can, and be an advocate for her. Dad is on his own miserable journey, I am saddened to say, and I choose not to ride that train. Thank you for your insights.
This is such a sad story. And it really underscores the need to have everything in writing long before you think it will be needed. And not just in writing, make sure your loved ones know how you feel.
People who have been together for a very long time can't see life without each other. We had friends who recently died 2 days apart after being married for over 60 years.
Each person needs a separate will and Living Will. Powers of Attorney need to be assigned. This is a wake up call for a lot of us.
I am so sorry that you seem to be losing both of your parents at the same time.
So true. And in fact they do have it all in writing. They've been married for 55 years and he has been with her in hospital/rehab/skilled nursing rehab every day since it happened. She is his sole purpose, so I am OK stepping aside. I just wish he would not push me away. The catch 22 of it all is who is to say if she has her mental faculties enough to make these decisions? How is this finally determined, besides perceptions of the loved ones?
As I am fully aware that this is a sensitive time for you, I will just say that it is my understanding that the Living Will spells out end of life wishes. Since she is able to speak and think, she may have told your father things that she hasn't told you.
I'm especially sorry that your dad is having this reaction and taking out his anger on you. He isn't thinking about the fact that you are hurting too.
Are you in fact talking to your mom about these issues at the NH? Is it possible that mom says to Dad, "I do wish X would stop talking about all that, it's upsetting me"?
Kiesel, obviously you never married. Even if he was not her POA, a husband has undeniable posession and protection of his wife. Respect that the two became as one a long time ago. Never get between a husband and a wife, even if they are relatives. It's a very important boundary.
@txcamper captain and jeangibbs - your insights and care are truly appreciated. This is a very difficult time for my family. I am heartbroken about all of this. On the bright side, I am still able to see mom for the mean time, and will take this moment by moment.
Kieseljr, I'm glad that's not the case. Clearly your dad is very broken up about what's happened to your mom. Will he seek some help for himself, perhaps antidepressants or therapy? It seems as though he needs a sounding board right now, and as objective as you sound, family is just not the right fit at times of stress like this.
He needs someone who can hear him yell at them and hear it for a howl of pain. You are in your own pain right now; please take care of yourself and let us know how this goes.
I think that is great advice. I will check with the nursing home first, and then who would be good to contact? He is not one to spend time on himself, nor would want attention brought to his weaknesses. I am already treading on thin ground here with him, but will give this a try if my brothers can help out a bit. Thanks for the advice.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I don't think POA has anything to do with saying who can visit. If he has Medical POA, he has the right to make decisions on her behalf, so your opinion would be just that, an opinion. Is your mother mentally debilitated? Does she have a Living Will in place? I'm sorry about your mother's stroke and the arguing between you and your dad. That's so unfortunate.
But even without the POA, her husband has more say about decisions on her behalf than you do. If you think X should be done and he thinks Y should be done, then Y it is. Knowing that maybe you'd be better off not fighting him. Persuasion is your main tool here.
Is mother unable to speak for herself at this time?
People who have been together for a very long time can't see life without each other. We had friends who recently died 2 days apart after being married for over 60 years.
Each person needs a separate will and Living Will. Powers of Attorney need to be assigned. This is a wake up call for a lot of us.
I am so sorry that you seem to be losing both of your parents at the same time.
I'm especially sorry that your dad is having this reaction and taking out his anger on you. He isn't thinking about the fact that you are hurting too.
@babalou I am certain this is not the case.
He needs someone who can hear him yell at them and hear it for a howl of pain. You are in your own pain right now; please take care of yourself and let us know how this goes.