How do I approach Dad about his sexually inappropriate behavior directed at one of his aides?

Inappropriate behavior, including sexual behavior, is common in dementia. The social filters we have learned all of our lives begin to erode with dementia. A person who would never insult strangers suddenly says aloud in a restaurant, "Look at how fat that busboy is!" And a person who would not make an off-color remark suddenly is groping his aide.

Yikes! This can be very uncomfortable for the caregiver and for anyone who is on the receiving end.

Try to prevent situations where the inappropriate behavior can occur. It is not likely that you can "teach" a person with dementia appropriate behaviors -- those filters are gone, and the ability to learn is diminished. And yet aides, daughters, visitors, strangers in the grocery store all have the right to respect and to avoid unwanted attention. Caregivers have to be very creative!

I also suggest talking to his doctor about these new behaviors.

Thank you for the response. I did talk to him, he did know exactly what I was talking about, and he was embarrassed and apologized. As far as "new behavior"... I don't know if I'd say that's entirely true. A couple of years ago he did a rehab stay at a nursing home. The director told me that he made the aids very uncomfortable by openly watching porn on his tablet while they were attending to him. She was nice about it, though.

Also someone who knows one of the girls who is currently working for him also contacted me on Facebook. She said that she believes this woman has my dad believing she is his girlfriend in order to take advantage of him. If true (and I don't doubt it) I believe my dad probably encourages her behavior regardless of whether or not he has some awareness that he's being taken advantage of.

Also, I've found sex toys (like masturbation aids) around the house. My dad's had a drinking problem for many decades and I wouldn't put this type of behavior with the girls past him even before the dementia set in. I still can't really say I believe this is 100% dementia related. He is definitely remorseful about propositioning my friend's daughter but I still wonder if it's because he got caught.

I'm glad you are honestly facing the facts of his issues. It sounds like your father has a sexual addition that is feeding his brain dopamine. This is the same thing that happens when people use drugs or alcohol, and its tough to break. It is a real addiction, possibly started by psychological needs, but it becomes physical. He's not going to let this go easily, and it might be his subsitute for alcohol since he had trouble in the past.

In the meantime, I would make sure he has assigned durable POA to you, and get you on the broker and checking accounts ASAP. Notify broker and bank of his increasing dementia, and have all his mail and money statements go to a post office box that you have the only key to. Hire an agency to take care of his staff needs, and tell them to send men if possible. If you hire an agency across the board, the person who is trying to financially abuse him will have no reason to visit if the money is also inaccessible.

I have a sexually inappropriate FIL with advanced dementia living with me. It's no picnic. You've gotten good advice about making sure you have POA and take what control you have over his assets, because it's very easy to manipulate a sexually-fixated person. My FIL, for example, believes he's in love with me, that we are having an affair, and says he would do anything, give anything to me. Imagine if 1) his children were not POA and control his accounts, and 2) I wanted to take advantage.

Early in trying to figure out how to manage Dad, I gave a shot at playing along with him and just "laughed it off." It didn't work. That just encouraged him. The only thing he remembered was that I "led him on." So that was a fail. What works best is to remind him what's inappropriate, even if he responds that he doesn't care, or that his son is okay with it, and avoid being around him as much as possible. As a caretaker, of course, I cannot completely avoid him because I serve breakfast and lunch, and dinner for when my husband comes home. But I don't sit with him to watch TV (he just leers at me and makes suggestive oral gestures) or make small talk (he just wants to tell me what he wants to do to me). No, I make myself scarce by doing my work around a corner or upstairs. He forgets I'm there and falls asleep. We've been doing this for over a year now. It takes a dedicated caregiver to put up with this kind of behavior, but there are ways, often very individual ways, to make co-existence possible.

aebuell, sadly with dementia there is nothing one can say to the elder that will make him stop this practice.... until he stops this and goes into the next phase of dementia, whatever that would be.

The only suggestion is to hire a male Aide to help him.

I think your Dad is further along than u realize. He is not competant if he is doing something like this. Have a history of hallucinations is not good. He needs a nuerologist to evaluate him. I agree that now is the time if you haven't gotten POA. Dementia is a tricky thing, overnight they can have an "episode" that throws them even further into dementia. A stay in the hospital or rehab can do the same thing.

I made this reply on the duplicate thread but since this one seems to be the more active of the two thought I'd reply here as well.

It's regarding the caregiver who replied to your father when he asked to walk around the house cammando - "it's your house, do what you want". Not a great reply in terms of even a remote chance this behavior will stop. The problem with it is - someone with this type of condition is going to hear that as a "yes" and likely be encouraged by it. It's probably best to kept it short and to the point. "While I'm here working Mr. Jones - I need for you to keep all your cloths on". And while I am not saying this is in any way meant to "blame the victim" one has to remember they are not dealing with someone who is rational about the situation - a low cut top, a short skirt is likely to provoke a "oh yeah, she wants me" frame of mind for your father. Susieshoes, correct me if I'm wrong here.

So at least while your father remains inappropriately fixated on sex and sexual encounters, I would ask anyone working with him to reply to any offers or comments with a short, firm "no" type of answer. And if by chance - especially as summer is around the corner - ask any caregivers to dress in a conservative manner.

I by no mean am suggesting that this will stop his behavior or get him to be rational about what he's doing - but at least it can not be interpreted as encouragement or approval by your father. 

I said that a person with dementia loses their filters and may behave in ways they would not have before the dementia. And if a person had a tendency to inappropriate behavior before the dementia, oh my gosh, it can be ten times worse once the filters are gone.

Aebuell, your father's present level of inappropriate behavior is due to his dementia. Sorry. That limits the potential solutions. Don't count on "teaching" him or shaming him into improved behavior. He may seem remorseful at the moment, but he won't remember that sufficiently to deter him from repeat performances.

People here have given practical advice on how to deal with this. I hope that some of the suggestions lead to an improvment!

We learn from each other. It would be good if you come back and let us know what you try and how it works out.

If he's in the very early dementia stages but still competent, then he can still get in very serious legal trouble because this is sexual harassment from what you're describing.

The only thing you can do since he is still competent is to give him a fair warning to either stop or face legal consequences but if he does, don't bail him out. Let him face any consequences that may come because bailing him out will tell him what he did was OK when really it wasn't.

Another idea is to suggest a male worker for him instead of a female. However, if he can still tend to his own needs then it may be time to just discontinue home health care (at least for a while).

What I would do if I were you is I would have him very seriously evaluated by a neurologist to see whether or not he really is competent because it might actually be very questionable if he has dementia. What you may want to do is get him involuntarily committed first and have him mentally evaluated first and foremost. During that time, then you can also have him evaluated by a neurologist while he's been committed for mental evaluation.

You mentioned embarrassment, so what? Who cares? He didn't care about his victim, so why should anyone care about embarrassment? I hate to tell you  this because no pervert ever cares about their victims when they start just like you're describing now. This kind of behavior is very common when their bold enough to come right out at the target at victim with their intentions. I happen to live in a neighborhood where we are the unlucky ones who happened to have a building full of perverts living nearby. Unfortunately a good friend of mine must live among them though he's not one, but he must still be neighborly. He can't really afford to move because there aren't really that many handicap accessible buildings so the only option is to stay where he is and be neighborly but low-key. During trick-or-treating season, the community even knows not to come near that particular building. You never know what a sexual pervert will do or who they'll strike next, and you never know when they may start on kids if they're already approaching adults.  this is why you really want to get this man mentally evaluated to see if he really is competent and get him evaluated by a neurologist because he can very easily go on the sex offender list if his victims start making police reports and it's proven true  he really is a pervert and competent to stand trial if this goes beyond the privacy of his home. It may be a good idea to get him evaluated now and if he's really competent like you think he is, encourage his victim to make a police report and get  this on record. Letting this go means around trick-or-treat season other people's kids are at risk because he will likely start on them. Pursuing this and getting it on record if he's competent will get him on the registry and the community will know not to stop at his house during trick-or-treat season. Communities must be alerted when there is a pervert living in the neighborhood and they must register, especially when they move. This really needs to be stopped now or he must face the consequences for his decisions. Not pursuing this on someone's part will put others in danger because this will worsen if further action is not taken. Remember again, a whole building full of them live in my neighborhood two streets away, some of them are old but still capable of doing harm if they really want to. They are not allowed to even go where children congregate due to the high risk of danger of something happening. In your case, not pursuing this puts others in danger, and if something happens you can all blame yourselves for not pursuing this and taking it up a notch. 

My town has a shelter that just hung T-shirts made by sex abuse survivors to raise awareness about the high level of sex abuse against females. These were posted on Facebook last night, and  though I haven't made a T-shirt to contribute to the park, I myself happened to be a survivor who was badly sexually assaulted by my drunken abusive mom over a period of 13 years. I'm just one of many voices out here who can tell you the facts of sexual abuse and what perverts are very capable of doing. I saw what each survivor wrote on each one of the shirts. I saw exactly what each survivor was feeling through what they had to say and any survivor will understand. What this man is doing is definitely not OK and it is not the victim's fault. You must do something to stop him before this goes further and he actually hurts someone. Since you are a family member, this is up to you to get the ball rolling and to encourage his victim to speak up because it's not her fault. You must now start by supporting her and encouraging her to just turn and walk out or to be reassigned. Not doing something only puts others in danger, especially if others are in a position to do something and don't and someone gets hurt as a result. If someone gets attacked by a pervert, just remember that the victim is the one who must live with that the rest of their lives because not all scars are visible. It's up to you now to start the ball rolling and take the initiative and stop this man. Even if you say you "can't do nothing", I say yes you can because you can pick up the phone and call the cops and have him arrested for sexual assault and you could also have him in voluntarily baker acted for evaluation. Please listen to all of us who have been sexually assaulted by someone, millions if not billions of people saying the same thing aren't lying. 

As Rainmom points out, part of the ISB (Inappropriate Sexual Behavior) mindset is that the object of desire "wants" the attention. Even the simplest gesture can be interpreted as encouragement. If I wear skirts, I'm "showing him" my legs. If I wear a V neckline, he thinks it's because I want him to see my bosom (not because I have a short neck and v-necks look better on me). I've been buying and wearing more crew necks lately. After dinner my husband, not I, will offer him a special treat. Why? Because if I offer him the treat, he thinks I being "nice" to him instead of my husband (we're both dieting and don't eat the special treat). I can't do special or nice things for him without risking it playing into his ISB. This falls to his son, or other family if they're over. Dealing with a person with ISB is a shell game of Hide the Trigger.

I'm so grateful the only person I've actually had to care for has been my mom. I believe I'd rather clean toilets for a living if it came down to taking care of some old guy, and I'm not young myself. Some of these old farts need their rear ends kicked, senile or not. I don't know how the aides in mom's memory care unit do it. Just one more reason why aides need to be paid very well. (Another unhelpful comment from me, and you're welcome).

Thank you, murphyclm! I'm with you on this one and I strongly agree!

Perhaps, as suggested, a male aid would be more appropriate. If that is not possible, one could suggest that another female aid named Sgt. Brunhilde Battleaxe will be the replacement, and she's older, tougher and won't put up with any nonsense.

Rainmom, your experience in dealing with challenging behaviours shines through - I am grateful to you for your always constructive and well-informed advice.

Aebuell, perhaps part of the problem is that you are the daughter. What even average man easily brings himself to discuss issues around his sexuality with his daughter? - but if you don't want him to be clandestine (and you don't, because it'll lead to deceit and all the problems that could cause, and what if some future aide is into blackmail?) any more than you want him making insulting and/or alarming propositions to his caregivers, then you want someone else to talk to him about limits, boundaries and [yikes!] healthy outlets.

Mental health nurse? Social worker? Senior manager at the care agency? It needs to be someone who can be frank and clear - "this is okay. That is not okay" - without making him go on the defensive and start lying about how he really feels.

Thank you all for the responses.

I don't really consider getting POA as an option. Of course this is the first thing that everyone brings up, but if the person isn't willing, then it's not going to happen. And my dad isn't willing. He gets very defensive any time that anyone has ever tried to bring it up. No one has been able to convince him. I've been trying to for years. Many times I've considered giving him an ultimatum and cutting off all help if he doesn't cooperate. I've threatened to. But I haven't yet.

Dontask4handout he has been evaluated several times and is considered competent. Not in the past year or so, but I've seen no further mental decline, so I have no reason to think that going through all of that again would bring any different result. It's extremely difficult to take an adult's rights away from them. Have you ever actually tried it? Maybe you live in a state/county where it's easier than my experience has been.

As far as attacking anyone he is most definitely not capable, he's very feeble. I'm not worried about him progressing to pestering neighborhood kids, as he's barely able to leave the house and can't physically make it to the end of the yard. He doesn't give out Halloween candy as he can't keep getting up to answer the door, and there aren't many kids in the neighborhood anyway.

I don't however believe that anyone, including the elderly with dementia, should get a free pass. I would never put up with this behavior and I don't think that anyone else should have to, either. That's why I feel terrible for my friend's daughter as she's in a situation where she needs the extra income and so she's not going to walk away from the job.

My DH gets HomeHealthCare and one of the nurses said this behavior is more common than you think. While it is annoying to the nurses, they do learn how to "side-step" the situations. Most don't get overly concerned unless the men get all "touchy-feely" and sadly, many do.

Believe it or not, the nurses do know it isn't you and that you have no control over your Dad's poor behavior.

Sounds like has dementia - at least the start of it. Or he is a very crude person with no manners and respect for females. First get a POA immediately so you can handle his affairs. Second, speak with the doctor if there is some medication that may help. Also, tell the caretaker to tell your father in no uncertain terms and in a very firm manner that she will NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES allow his behavior or how he speaks. You should tell him the same and tell him if it happens again, he will be removed and placed somewhere. Try this, it might work and buy you time for the next step.

aebuell, thanks for the update. What I would do then is get the family together and discuss what to do next. It may turn out that something will be done, but the question is what? If he's been tested several times and still competent, then he knows what he's doing and he needs to face the consequences like it or not. You also mentioned this person "needs the extra income". this may be true, but really, let's be honest. There are plenty of other jobs out there, some of them which even pay better. She should not have to go through this just to get paid, she's better than this! I know there are other jobs out there and some of them do pay more, but should not be what brings someone to work, passion for the job is what should bring them. If this poor lady must have close physical contact doing direct personal care for him, you don't know that he's not already touched her or even grabbed her, feeble or not. I strongly agree with you on he should not get a free pass, yes, confrontation should be made but with other people around. This really does need addressed.

as a survivor of 13 years of childhood abuse, there came a time I had the right support and was encouraged to confront my mom at long last because when I was in her grip I was punished for even crying or whimpering during a beating or whatever she decided to do to me. Then as a young adult, there came a day I was taken to Vermilion. We had to park in the next-door neighbors driveway near the road and just walk over. I was visibly shaking but I had to control it and make her think I was no longer scared. This had been a long time coming and everyone living nearby at the time knew what was going on before my rescue. When the moment came, my support backed me up and got me started as to how to open, so they opened for me. Then the moment came when I had to tell her what I knew about her killing my only biological sister. Now I knew why she was trying to knock me off, this was only one reason because she didn't want the truth ever getting out. She also didn't want what she did to me ever getting out, but little did she know, it did. I'm now my sister's only voice.

Be very wary if someone seems feeble and I'll explain why:
When mom came out the door and down the steps, dad was holding onto her because she seemed feeble. It didn't take her long to suddenly return to normal when she came to talk to me, she perked right up back in to her "normal" self. I think she was really just guilt ridden and she only seemed feeble. By the time things unfolded, she was ready to tear right into me with my support right there. When the cops came, they came unexpectedly as we were leaving, they pulled up behind us, blocking us in the driveway. We explained we were actually confronting my former abusers and I found out my abuser killed my sister and I was confronting my abuser after 13 years of life threatening abuse not knowing if I'd even survive. I don't know what was said when the cop went and spoke to my abusers, specifically the one I had to confront after 13 years of abuse, but we didn't get in any trouble whatsoever. We were however trying to get statements together because at the time, I was actually going for a lawsuit as a survivor. As it turned out, no one who knew wanted to get involved, they were scared of my parents. I'm not sure my support knew about the subpoena thing back then, I sure didn't. I got a death threat if I didn't shut up and stop causing them problems, they said they would take care of it themselves if I didn't shut up. It turned out I was unable to pursue the lawsuit just because no one would get involved despite me having written statements today. I'm glad I still got to confront my abusers, it was very freeing. To be honest with you, I'm very glad both of my abusers are now gone. Gone, but not forgotten. They must now answer for everything they did to any children in their care, there were six of us. Despite there being six of us, we work all in the childhood home together, we were all broken up. Each of my mom's children who are my half-sisters were all taken away from her and put up for adoption. There was a child born dead, one killed and I barely survived.

I guess what you can say is be very careful if in your situation, the person you're dealing with seems feeble, this may actually be a front. You'll know one way or the other when the confrontation comes. My mom wasn't really as feeble as she seemed, it turns out it was just a front. People can fake disability just to get out of facing time if they did something wrong. They can also fake disability to get attention, this happens more than you may realize. All I'm saying is be careful, be very careful and definitely be watchful.

When you confront the offender, take a group of others with you, preferably those who themselves have survived sexual assault. Best yet, if there are others besides this one victim you told us about, also bring them for the confrontation. Give everyone a chance to speak but planned this meeting very carefully so everyone gets a chance to speak, because every voice of every member in that confrontation needs to be heard

I truly believe that if you continue to assist your bio dad in bringing women to him for any purpose, you will be aiding his sexual addiction. You know that he will "try things" and expose them to things they were not expecting. He has serious problems which have been addressed in the past. Why do you continue to "help" him when he is using you to have access to new young women, and you don't even have POA? I really feel like you bringing in new women is encouraging his pandering.

Your father needs to face the consequences. Tell your friend and her daughter both that it is unsafe for the younger to continue working there because she will be the object of his desires. In a way, that will still protect him - he has been deemed competent, so he could be criminally charged with sexual misbehavior.

I believe an ultimatum would be appropriate. Either men or no help from you at all. If there is an aide who is exploiting him, he can hire her back and lose you. He is allowed to make bad choices, and you are allowed to walk away.

Ooh...this has to be stopped if it even can because what COULD be happening is this gentleman is reliving his youth. That in no means exempts the man from inappropriate sexual-based actions. Talk to a social worker and/or psychiatrist before it escalates out of control.

aebuell: The biggest part that I noticed about your post is that he "has terrible judgment." There you go! Has it always been terrible?

A POA can be very useful for many reasons, as you know. But I wonder how the posters who suggest it now think it will address the inappropriate sexual behavior?

What I would like to know is why on Earth no matter how hard up for money she is would this young woman want to be groped OR hit on by an old man? There cannot be tht little of jobs in your area mabe she is preying upon him? Trying to use/manipulate? Get another aide asap people that do this are clever and appear to be perfectly normal hardworking individuals be cautious because I'm sorry but I would never tell any man besides my husband he can walk around commando period. H*ll I'm always telling my husband gram to keep her d*mn pants up till she gets to the bathroom and I'm female also but I don't want to see any bare elderly persons a** or privates unless I'm washing or wiping(and I don't "want" to see em then but it is what it is) so mabe you need to put up a nanny cam see EXACTLY what is occuring and who is engaging to begin with. You may trust and love this woman but there is so many wolves in sheep's clothing it's hard to tell nowadays. I hope I'm wrong but don't count anyone out! Hugs and good luck!

Cheylily: Where does it say in the original post that the girl liked it?

Okay. I read aebuell's  post later down the thread. I don't consider this to be Stockholm Syndrome and no one except me has mentioned it.

@surprise - thank you, that makes a lot of sense. Of course I feel guilty refusing to help him out around the house but he really should be in a facility and he can't stay home forever.

Im going through the same thing! My dad will be 74 in July has a 53 yr old girlfriend & is VERY much still chasing women. It is embarassing to go anywhere with him. He dosen't get it that the cute 20 yr old he is saying stuff to 1 day will be a 15 yr old looking 20 & his a** is in trouble.

Evil false hope peddling ratbags above. I've reported them.

I've got about half a dozen "things" that just tick me off at a whole different level than just normal ticked off. Preying on people's fear and desperation when dealing with their own or a loved ones health is right up there towards the top. This sleazy excuse of a waste of breath should be ashamed of themselves.