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I am the main caregiver for dad (mom is in a NH) and as he sees me continually (my family lives here with him) he confuses me for mom and vents incredible amounts of anger and bile toward me.

My elder sister, who he defies, thinks this is funny. Yeah. Real funny. It's hurtful and he is gleeful when he sees me cry. So I do my best to keep a stone face and not let him know he's hurt me.

THe only way I have of dealing with this is walking away from him when the foul language starts. Does anyone else have this problem?

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1. Sounds like you desperately need a break. Take 2 weeks out, go anywhere, and let your sister cope with him on her own for 2 weeks.
2. Join a local support group (they can advise re respite care for you)
3. Seriously, look at getting your dad into a Nursing Home.
Not sure what stage he is at, but make an appt with his GP.
Sounds weird but get your other half to video your dad having one of his rants at you if you can on a camera phone and show his GP exactly what he is like. It is very useful for GP to see it in practice (bet dad is always on best behaviour for visitors and doctors?)
I had to do this with my mum as GP refused to do home visit and was taking my dad's word for it that mum 'wasn't so bad', when in reality she needed hospitalisation.

You need to step away from this situation and build up some self protection/ coping tools. It is clear this is damaging you, and that is not fair.
Your sister has her way of coping with it. Don't hate her for it, it is just her way of dealing with it.
Suspect if you two sat down away from it all with a mediator you would both learn something about the other that you did not know.
Take her to support group too. Having someone in the middle of you two could really help sort out your relationship.
Took me 48 years and my mum's illness to get close to my sister. Totally surprised me we could ever be this close as we have had a really strained relationship our entire lives. (She suffers with manic depression, I suffer from over confidence... You can imagine!)
Your sister is trying to help, trying to 'toughen you up' like she is, but you need to calmly explain to her that you two are differnt, you have different natures, and much as you would love to be able to laugh it off, what your dad says is really stripping you raw.

Please go get yourself help and support locally.
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Don't sweat the small stuff. Most of us are confused for other people in our dementia diagnosed person's lives. Walk away. Don't listen to that crap, and if your mother took it all her married life, no wonder she is in a nursing home. God bless her! Get a doctor to prescribe an anti-anxiety drug.
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I've been caregiving elderly for over 22 years. I always start with what's called "orientation", which just means stating the facts in a calm voice. Tone of voice is critical. Remember that although you are stating the obvious, it is not obvious to him, so use the tone of voice you would use giving directions to someone new to the area. Also, short and simple is best. So, in your case, I would start by looking at him and saying, "I am not (Mom's name). I am (your name)". And then stop speaking while you look at him. Sometimes it helps to nod slightly while you talk. Sometimes it takes repeating this several times.
If you don't find a solution, I would just suggest that you make your own well-being the priority, and walk away from the whole situation if you need to for your own health. I wish you the best.
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My 89 year old dad can be pretty grouchy and demanding of me, often calling me by my late mom's name, etc.. I have to remind myself that I made a choice in this decision to help care for him. I've walked out of the room if he barks too much. Sometimes I just go home and call it a day. But I do come back!

Your live-in situation makes it harder to get a break. I just hired my mom's past caregiver and her husband to come in, along with hospice, to visit with my dad and make sure that he's safe and sound. It's only for the lunch and dinner hours, but with other people in the house, it keeps him safe and more courteous and gracious because they're "company". It helps relieve some of the stress from the haranguing and helps me have a father-daughter relationship instead of a husband-wife one. Sending you xxxooo's....
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So many people have given good suggestions like ,walk away, ignore and so on. One thing people forget to do(me Included!) is my old teacher trick....catch them being good! If you serve them a meal and they say "thank you" ...You can tell them how good it feels to be appreciated and how nice it is to hear the words "thank you". Same goes for when they have a good day...tell them how much you enjoyed being with them when they are positive and "nice". Also little rewards!! My mom loves Biscotti so when she has had a great day I am sure to show her I want to please her too! Compliments on any achievement is a good way to see it repeated.
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Kthln, has your dad also been violent? That's our story. My MIL vented most of that vile toward FIL which occassionally included violence. There were times when we had to separate the two for FIL's safety. His health declined & he went into the hospital, then rehab. He passed a couple of months later. Meanwhile, we're at home watching MIL who then turned the vile on us. It was somewhat of a continuation of who she'd always been, just magnified. Most of the time she was great. It was those moments of terror because her anger knew few boundaries.

Don't know if this is your situation, but MIL would become furious at FIL for being sick and in the hospital. She wanted him to come home NOW. He couldn't. She would accuse him of abandoning his family for this new group of professionals. That would often end our visits at that point before she became a patient as well.

We got to the point one night after she threw us out of the house, keeping us from caring for her, that we had to call 911. She most likely will not return to her home at this point as we are working toward a permanent NH solution of some sort.

Thank you for taking the difficult road to caring for your dad, despite all you have had to put up with from your dad and family. You can hold your head high, knowing that you did your best and continue to do it day after day. It is much easier to sit back and criticize then actually do the hard work of caregiving.

The advice you're receiving to move on to the next stage of a NH is the best policy, I think. We had both of my wife's parents in the same rehab, which meant that they were together but supervised so that if MIL began to lose it on FIL, the staff would step in and separate. But emotionally, that worked the best for our situation for them and for us. You might have a totally different scenario in which maybe it's better for your parents to remain separated.

None of this is easy. But by honoring your parents by caring for them in the right way, you've done the right and best thing. Thanks for being that kind of example to your kids and the rest of your family.
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For someone who refuses outside help, one could always call Adult Protective Services. I know that sounds harsh but sometimes it is the only way to get someone the help she or he needs.
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Tell your sister it's her turn to take care of him and move out . Get your HAPPY back.
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My Dad used to call me Mom's name Lois. I would just let it go. I know he missed her. She died 4 years before he did. I'm his oldest daughter. When he was in the hospital was when he'd call me her name the most. He used to see her in the room. Sveral years before he passed he almost died from a diabetic episode and was in ICU. I would go in and sit with him. He'd say I have to take a leak. I'd say go ahead and go dad, you hace a catheter. He'd swear and say I said take me to the toliet right now. I'd repeat Dad go ahead and go, the pee will go in the bag. He's squeeze my hand real hard and say what kind of daughter are you, and get out of here. I was really hurt, but I know he didn't mean it. He was a mean man when we were growing up but he mellowed out his later years. Just look at him and say Dad I love you no matter what you say to me. Hang in there1
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I am so sorry you are going through this and I am glad that you got some helpful advice. I am going through something similar, abuse wise, with my mom. I don't think people realize this isn't like a child having a tantrum. These are cruel hurtful to the core words. These words are coming from a parent who we are taught to love and respect. These are the people who are supposed to love and protect us. Now I know that they are ill but I agree with you in theory it would be nice to let it roll off our backs because they are ill. But it's not that simple. And long after they have passed away the final words and hurts stay with us. I suggest finding a support group or talking with a counselor. It is helping me to heal and understand the disease and the aging process. Luckily I have a very supportive brother and sisters, and we are on the same page. Our youngest brother didn't get it. He was a bit like your sister. So we all had a talk with him and told him he can do the caregiving on his own. Of course he didn't like that. He came around. So as far as your sister goes you might want to sit her down and tell her how much she is hurting you. Make it about your feelings not about her. Then tell her she is going to be the caregiver now, you are done. See how fast she comes around. God Bless and Keep you. Do something nice for yourself!
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Being a "generation off" is common with dementia patients. Remember that we lose memories in reverse order--the older the memory, the longer it lasts. I had a relative with Alzheimer's who would call me by my mom's name, my daughter by mine, and look around for my dad. (Fortunately, he was a really nice guy.) All I could do is make non-committal answers and in a few minutes he'd be off somewhere else. It might work to ask your dad to tell you about the early days of his relationship with your mom--try to get back to a time before things went sour between them. Also, a good consult about medications is probably in order.
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All the theraphies in the world can not fix the human emotions nor always separate logic from emotions.....thats just human nature...when you love someone these come into play and even thou logically we know what to do our emotional side sometimes takes over and we lose our logical way. Xoxo
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Im going thru a similar thing, my mom passed away 18 months ago and left my 89 yr old dad alone, for the past 10-15 years my dad has been quite arrgumentive and even a little abusive. My poor mom tried her best and did everything all the cleaning, laundry, gardening etc etc...paid all the bills looked after everything the they went away on their yearly holiday to mexico and died if a brain anurisum. Now I have had to take over all my moms duties, and get the same abusive vial behavior she was getting. I dont live in his home (thank god) nor could I. I bite my tounge more times than not but I too have my own health issues and some days im dont have good days and when he starts up I find myself in an instant in an argument with him. All I can say is because we are emotionally attached to this situation it makes it difficult to deal with this disease of dementia on a logical level. Ive had to step back and let him do things for himself.....he refuses any inside help. Wont let any one come in and clean his house...i got someone in once and they didnt put everything back exatly how my mom had it so that was the end of that. He has meals on wheels deliver his dinner every day....and ive set up all his bills to be paid automatically from his bank and his pensions are automatically deposited. Got him a scooter for his moblity issues and a walker for inside his home, removed all lose carpets for saftey reasons, installed bars in the shower and got him lifeline button which ifhe falls or has a medical emergency he can push. I have 3 other siblings who dont live in the area that seem to think its my responsablity since i live in the same town...which pisses me off...but thats just the way it is....according to the mental health here in canada all thou he has stage 2 dementia and PSTD he is not deemed to be bad enough to be forced into a home....so until such time that he is or falls down and breaks something hes free to live in his own filthy disgusting home. Ican only suggest that you make sure you protect him the best you can and then step back and allow him to fail or survive on his own..once its evident he cant then maybe he will be a little more open to ur help...regardless please remember you have ur life to live....dont lose yourself over this....his life is ending but you still have much more life to live. Xoxo
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I cannot explain "validation therapy" very well so look it up on the internet. It is a process whereby when someone (in this case, your dad) says something, rather than contradict the person and possibly argue, just ask questions about what that person says. In your case, you could ask questions about your mom such as how your dad met her, when he knew he wanted to marry her. . . As I said, my explanation is not the best. Look this up, though, because it is supposed to be an excellent way to calm someone down as opposed to arguing or contradicting the person.
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I agree that you are probably empathizing with the abuse your mother endured. My mom has dementia would verbally abuse me, too. I'd got to my room and cry. Yes, I knew it was partly the disease, but I also believed it was part of her real personality. Mom always had words that could hurt. IMO, dementia victims have moments of lucidity and they manipulate caregivers. One day I decided to tell her that I did not have to abuse from her or anyone else. I told her that I was there to care for her and deserved respect, and would treat her the way she treats me. I was not a child any more. Would you believe that changed things? Yes, occasionally her evil side would pop out. I'd repeat my admonishment in a firm tone. She'd stop. Try this and see what happens. You'll feel better about yourself and maybe feel that you've vindicated your mother, too.
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My husband has been thru so many phases - aggression & meanness being one of them. The latest med change has helped - Halidol & Xanax. He is 63 w/late stage FTD. Tell your sister not to laugh unless your laughing too. My husband is drugged & restrained - which is what a nursing home would do for thousands a month. My father, before he passed w/Alz made passes at me. It's a crazy disease. My feelings being hurt are the least of my problems now. Hubby's incontinant too. This disease is ever changing and full of surprises. I wish you strength & patience. Place Dad if you can & save your sanity.
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Kathleen; I see on your profile that your Dad HAS been diagnosed with Dementia and is taking an antidepressant. Is the doctor who is prescribing aware of his increasing confusion and outbursts? If not, she should be and Dad should be evaluated for an adjustment in medication.
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It is painful, hurtful and totally understandable
For you to feel hurt. My mom has Alzheimer's and when she starts ranting I don't react and
Try and change the subject or go for a walk.
But to take care of myself, I starting talking to
A therapist to deal with the hurt feelings that
My head tells me that I should accept as the
Disease, but my heart is still hurt. Your sister
Needs to be reminded how hurt you are.

And for everyone who uses this forum, I too
Remind us that flippant, unhelpful, "tough love"
Or deal with it comments don't help
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Your dad mistaking you for your mother and verbally abusing you is a definite sign of dementia. You will have good days and bad days with him but it isn't going to change. Any attempts on your part to correct him could frustrate him even more and exacerbate his nastiness. If he hasn't alredy he may start to get physically combative with you. That's when you need to get him into a facility or get help so you are no longer his primary target. This probably sounds trite but you simply can't take this personally. As far as your sister laughing about your situation, don't worry because before long he wil likely be confusing her for you or for his mother or for his 5th grade teacher or someone else. My dad confused my mom for his own mother but would also sometimes think she was a former student of his who he thought had come to visit but wouldn't leave when asked. Hang in there.
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I am sure this is hard for you... My Mother who has dementia forgets my Father is gone and she is always looking for him... It breaks my heart ( I was my Dad's caregiver too) I am a self proclaimed Daddy's girl from way back! if resemble your Mother that could be part of his difficulty. My Mom told someone recently that it was 1954, HELLO I was a year old... remind him of who you are and try to be respectful of the fact that he cannot help it. Does he go and visit your Mom? Does he know who she is when he does? Just try to be kind with your words and respectful.... My Mom recently asked me why my Father committed suicide... HE did not he died of cancer, I reminded her and talked with her gently about it, it seemed to help. I know this know this isn't easy but you can do it! take care ...
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Based on my experience with my Mom, you should have your Dad evaluated for dementia. I've posted here before that Mom had similar behaviour in her early stages. She talked to me as though I was my father and at times said some mean and hurtful things. I had to remind
myself that in her eyes she was really talking to him, not me. The hard part for me was witnessing a side of Mom that was relatively unfamiliar to me. My Dad (he died almost 40 years ago) was calm and easy-going. I do remember times when Mom was actually verbally abusive to him so maybe there was more to this part of her than I knew. I can't offer much in terms of dealing with your sister as I have no siblings. I can only offer that you need to do what's best for YOU and YOUR FAMILY...and that will probably be what's best for your Dad also. My heart goes out to you.
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I feel I have to defend maggiemarshal. Our lives are like sit-coms. She's not trivializing the situation by pointing out that it would help to see the humour in it. A sense of humour is an awesome coping mechanism in the worst of times. If only i could remember that when dealing with my own mom. Maggiemarshal please don't stop trying to be helpful, and please keep your own sense of humour about how your attempts have backfired in this thread.
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Does Dad have dementia? Is he on any meds? Maybe doc can prescribe something different, to calm him down. I am not saying to sedate him or knock him out, just something that might make him a little milder. It's time for you to take care of Number One.... which is YOU. Can he, should he be put in a nursing home or assisted living facility? If it's possible, try to cut contact and conversation with the sister. You have enough on your plate without someone else shoveling more on it.
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Hello kthln3 , I understand your pain , even though you know its not meant for you , its still very disturbing . How was your relationship with your dad by the past ? By acting this way without making it by purpose you are not the child anymore , you can feel what you mom feel , and for thisyou need to be strong and differenciate logic and feeling . Maybe does it hurt you because you can imagine how your mother feel when he tell her this ? try to separate yourself from this and tell yourself that everyone is unique , and that you shouldnt carry all this weight , take care
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Challenges, I hear the pain, in kthln3, not just with the words of your father, but also the hurt when your fears and feelings are written off quickly by your sister. I appreciate how people stood up to Maggie here, and I also appreciate her apology, and explanation - there is something amusing, on the surface, about some of the conversations elders wgerith dementia have - but it's not really funny, it's very sad.


I agree with two solutions offered here - 1, notice the triggers, and make it a project to either prevent them or deal with them quickly, and no other conversation other than, I'm sorry, I know you'd like some water now. Get it, and leave, always trying to say, "I'll be back in ......"

Many elders are triggered when you show some tiny bit of resentment in your approach, maybe even of martyrdom - important to make your own rest a priority, even if it means changing your schedule to allow naps in the afternoon. Find books you want to read, tasks you want to do, and leave them nearby, and when you get a chance to step away, whether it's because of his words, or you are pacing your own energy - always say you'll be back, but do your best to take the breaks - helping yourself, can help you feel less dominated by others.

When you smile, do it because you are just trying to help, or because you see something good or amusing in him - not to rebuild a relationship. I think the way to rebuild, especially with men - is through actions rather than conversations of any kind. I feel that many women idealize nice conversations - and sure enough, some families have them, and they may solve some things. But this expectation makes some men angry, they feel an expectation to speak in ways they find false or foreign. Notice the times your father passes you his tray, or moves so you can give him care, and say "thanks." Respond to positive actions.

When it comes to the words, I like the person's advice here, of saying, "I will listen to you when you're being nice. When you're not, I don't have to listen." And leave. Try to always explain yourself just like that, before you leave, and say, "I'll be back in 15 minutes - or whatever time he can handle without being checked.

It's not an instant process - it's one of gradual improvement and I hope you notice the small changes, and celebrate them yourself - and don't take any setback as back to zero - just as a temporary setback, in a gradually improving process of learning to cope with a very hurtful and physically challenging situation.
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I was a caregiver for my dad until he went to the NH. He did call me my moms name one time. I didn't like it at all. It gave me a funny feeling. Of course I didnt say anything and I think he realized he said it so we just ignored it. It did not happen again. I took it as a compliment to myself because he must have felt comfortable with me and trusts me to have let himself say that. Your sister needs to grow up. Obviously that is why you are the caregiver.
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There was a point when I thought mom felt more "alive" thinking she could get a "rise" out of me. Since your dad lost his primary aggression outlet (your mom) to an NH, you may be the next best thing. If he knows he can push our buttons he will and enjoy it immensely. I know how it hurts and the "water off a duck's back" thing I haven't been able to master myself but we must continue to try and present that tough as nails shell around us. Any way you can remove the fuel from his fire: Walk away, smile, laugh & tell him he's silly.
Teepa Snow has excellent video seminars on YouTube. Senior Helpers National channel.
Behavior modification in the elderly is really difficult. Can you talk to his doc and quietly get him on paxil or sertraline possibly under the guise of something else? I got to the point where I would pass notes to mom's doc without saying anything & it worked for us. I hope you find a remedy & some peace in your family.
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@ wolfover I'm in Louisiana. I know it is very difficult to get a prescription for it. Has to be by a psychiatrist. Well, the primary care ordered some but only 2 months worth until I could get her seen by a psychiatrist. Haldol is usually used for schizophrenia. Also, chances of falls in elderly increase as well as sudden death while taking it. However, taking it she doesn't need a nursing home or anything else. Don't know how long this will last but it has been well worth the risk for all of my family. Without it, I would have lost my mom to dementia.
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On another discussion group Iris L. commented: "are running yourself ragged trying to rationalize the irrational."
Conversing with a LO who has Alzheimers is often like talking with your cat. Acknowledge, respond, be affectionate, develop boundless patience. Forget about rational responses. Show respect, your therapeutic fictional reponses are allowed {they may not work}. Try to accept the mind is damaqed by Alzheimer's Disease. Forget about rational responses. We can run ourselve ragged trying to rationalize the irrational behaviors Easy to say, impossible to live with.
~DLMifm

try to accept the mind is damaged by Alzheimer's Disease. Forget about rational responses. we can run ourselves ragged trying to rationalize the irrational behaviors
Easy to say, impossible to live with .."Take a BREAK often | You get to start over"
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Oh, and before some of you go at me and say, "If you can't handle it....." I AM handling it.....just being real. If you ain't in it, DON'T SPIN IT.
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