I am the main caregiver for dad (mom is in a NH) and as he sees me continually (my family lives here with him) he confuses me for mom and vents incredible amounts of anger and bile toward me.
My elder sister, who he defies, thinks this is funny. Yeah. Real funny. It's hurtful and he is gleeful when he sees me cry. So I do my best to keep a stone face and not let him know he's hurt me.
THe only way I have of dealing with this is walking away from him when the foul language starts. Does anyone else have this problem?
Whether it is unkind remarks or other habits --as an elder changes even with their facilities they say and do things which are out of character for their younger selves. I don't see lots of benefit to wasting time telling them why they should have acted better. The elderly seem to feel free to truly express themselves without the social filters middle aged people observed.
Just don't take the unkind words to heart, try to remember how he used to speak and behave before the illness.
Some folks suggested it is time for NH. It really may be, you need to at least consider it.
As for your sister, she is very immature to laugh at such a thing. Is there any talking to her? If she is such a simpleton that she cannot realize the situation, you need to distance yourself emotionally. By this I mean that you need someone else to be your go to person when you need to vent....you have AC.
Best of luck.
Your 'elder sister, who he defies'... Soo, she can't handle him either? Sounds like she doesn't want to anyway? I got a little teary reading this post, my mother of 82 has released anger and bile toward me since I can remember, but I don't think she's had dimentia since her 40s. His care needs are all you need to ensure, please make other arrangements for him out of love - for him and your family.
Or buy an airhorn and give him a good blast every time he gets mean! Works with dogs- ha ha ha! (Oh if only you could, eh? Tempting isn't it?)
Bullies only pick on folk they think they can get away with it with... does he rage at your sister too? If not, could that be because she does not take him seriously and laughs at him?
Hard to tell but sounds like you and your family live in his home?
And your sister?
But you are the one he rages at?
I do think you need to be firmer with him, tell him in VERY strong words not to speak to you like that.
(If he was like that with your poor mum all the time, then I hate to say it but you could have picked up your mum's attitude (classic child of abusive parents behaviour... daughters can end up cowed. Happened to my sister but I ended up excessively feisty as a backlash. When me and dad fight it is nuclear, but seems to take that with my dad to get him to do anything that he disagrees with. And he actually says sorry after... I am the only one if the 6 of us to have ever had an apology out of him! Ex RAF fighter pilot, very domineering man. Hate shouting at my dad, upsetting and stresses me out, but it does work)
My dad is just a stubborn megalomaniac.
Your dad sounds a total bully, and I would not want my kids around him. Toxic to you all.
Going to be a hard one getting him to agree to move into a unit I suspect! And where would funding come from? Sale of the house?
Then where would you live? (or does he live with you?)
Sadly it does sound like he may need to be in a home for dementia? It is not failure to admit this, you need to put yourself and more importantly your kids first.
Sorry if this is not helpful, but clearly we don't have all the facts so running a little blind.
Sounds like you need a little 'you' time though, and a hug. You are not alone! Keep chatting on here, hopefully someone can give you some advice that works for you.
(Like buy an airhorn;)
Laughing it off and making faces at your sister is not a helpful response, in fact it's insulting to you and the very real pain you're experiencing. The commenter who told you that really should think about how she'd feel if someone responded to her plea for advice in such a superior fashion. Fortunately, most of the people here are compassionate.
If you and your family are living with your father, you should move out if you can. Let your sister deal with him and see how she likes it. Moving him to a nursing home would be a good idea, although probably not the one your mother is in, for obvious reasons.
Good luck.
You have been given good advice with good intentions so think carefully about your next step and there has to be one
If not then you do have to realize he is not himself.
Your sister is insensitive to your feeling as well. What is that about? I see many little things that indicate to me previous dysfunction in the family. These things don't disappear because someone gets sick. They often get worse.
I wish you peace in this situation.
It's just completely silly to let your deranged dad wipe you out when you know he's not in his right mind.