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Please focus on your own mental health and well-being. You cannot control your husband’s behaviors, just yours. Consider checking out Al Anon or B.A.L.M.(Be a Loving Mirror).
All you can do in a sad and tragic situation like yours is to tell your father's doctors what he's doing and call APS and let them take over. Then go to the probate court in your father's town and do the paperwork with them to have yourself removed as his POA. The court will appoint a conservator over him who will make his decisions for him. This will be what's best for both of you. You've tried and there's nothing more you can do for him. Maybe you should visit an Al-Anon meeting as has been suggested by others here. You will meet other people who have LO's in their life who are alcoholics. They'll help you cope.
With dementia you can not "explain" anything..well you can but the explanation is meaningless. Dad is an alcoholic. You can talk to his doctor about a rehab program BUT if dad is not willing to participate then it will be time wasted. (I do hope his doctor is aware of the alcohol use as this can effect medications he might be on.) You however can find an AL Anon group. For both you and your mom if she wishes. As with many things like this you wait for some catastrophic event. Know that with all his conditions his life expectancy is shortened anyway and adding the alcohol will also shorten it but by how much no one knows. It is also possible that the alcohol use may have begun as a way of "self medicating" when he became ill, possibly years before any diagnosis could have been made. He may have felt in some way that "something was not right" and alcohol helped the symptoms he was having. As the diseases progressed so did the alcohol consumption creating a spiral that is impossible to get out of. (no excuses, just a possible explanation) Support your mom. Help care for your dad. When it becomes impossible consider getting help in or placing him. (by the way if your dad is a Veteran the VA may help and both he and your mom may qualify for benefits) Also, because it is me responding...your dad may qualify for Hospice you will get help, supplies, equipment, support. It might be worth a call.
Dementia and trying to explain why he should not drink will not work. You cannot reason with dementia. I have no suggestion and it is dad that has to make a decision to stop, which because of the dementia, is unable to do.
Panhead stated that she went back to live at home in 2014 to take care of the father. At this point, the man is an alcoholic, has cancer, and has dementia. It sounds like he's beyond being taken care of at home. Panhead and mom need get placement in a nursing home for him.
I have a sweet little friend who has been the parent to her parents for years. She nursed her mother through HepC and liver failure and alcoholism. Now she's gained guardianship over her father and watches him.
She gets his pension, pays his bills and takes him shopping. He is not allowed any alcohol, but his friends bring it over anyway. She does the best she can, but at the end of the day, he wants to drink and she can only do so much.
This was she can control, to an extent, the amount of alcohol he gets. It's a losing battle, but she's tough and loving and has no expectations that he will ever be 'clean'. She just does what she can and leaves him be. And no, he no longer can drive, so that's a blessing. He's 63. Younger than me.
I disagree. Your friend can control more than the amount of alcohol he gets. She can control the amount of care he gets. Bottom line - either stay off the booze of I will not take care of you and you're on your own.
Alcoholics don't care about anything except having their next drink, just like a drug addict looking for their next high. You dad is an adult. There's really not much you can do at this point, except maybe let his Dr's know that he is drinking while on his medications. It's probably his way of dealing with everything he has going on in his life right now. Some people just can't deal, and would rather drown out their feelings with alcohol. This probably won't end well, but that is not on you, it's on your dad. He will have to live with the choices he is making, but in the meantime, I would recommend that you start attending some Al-Anon meetings,(they have some on Zoom now) as they really are helpful for family members dealing with an alcoholic loved one. I wish you the best.
Having had two alcoholic parents, my dad stop drinking when I was 9 yrs old and my mother stop drinking when I was 15 yrs old. I can say this, an alcoholic will not stop drinking until he or she decides to do it for themselves or until he/she hits rock bottom.
If your dad is competent then he can & will drink himself to death if that is what he chooses. You can do what Alva has stated and maybe you'll get lucky if your dad is not competent.
Do not withhold alcohol from him because as Alva has stated this has to be done under the supervision of a M.D.. It is not just dangerous but it is deadly.
I would talk to his Dr and tell him/her about your dad's drinking and see what the Dr says.
I wish you the best of luck. I know from experience that it is hard to watch someone you love drink themselves to death!
Who does he live with? In the case of my bro's ex, he had to be placed in not a memory unit, but in a locked unit of his ALF so that he would not continue out for his alcohol. His alcoholism over many years did leave him with Alcoholic encephalopathy that is permanent, but he is I would say 30% to 40% better after almost a year of being monitored so that he cannot get alcohol. Speak with his doctor. Do understand that you need POA for placement such as this, and more importantly that withdrawal from alcohol is done by medical MD, not by just withdrawing alcohol which is exceptionally dangerous to do.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
1) You can't reason with a drunk
2) You can't reason with dementia
All you can do in a sad and tragic situation like yours is to tell your father's doctors what he's doing and call APS and let them take over. Then go to the probate court in your father's town and do the paperwork with them to have yourself removed as his POA. The court will appoint a conservator over him who will make his decisions for him.
This will be what's best for both of you. You've tried and there's nothing more you can do for him.
Maybe you should visit an Al-Anon meeting as has been suggested by others here. You will meet other people who have LO's in their life who are alcoholics. They'll help you cope.
Dad is an alcoholic.
You can talk to his doctor about a rehab program BUT if dad is not willing to participate then it will be time wasted. (I do hope his doctor is aware of the alcohol use as this can effect medications he might be on.)
You however can find an AL Anon group. For both you and your mom if she wishes.
As with many things like this you wait for some catastrophic event. Know that with all his conditions his life expectancy is shortened anyway and adding the alcohol will also shorten it but by how much no one knows.
It is also possible that the alcohol use may have begun as a way of "self medicating" when he became ill, possibly years before any diagnosis could have been made. He may have felt in some way that "something was not right" and alcohol helped the symptoms he was having. As the diseases progressed so did the alcohol consumption creating a spiral that is impossible to get out of. (no excuses, just a possible explanation)
Support your mom.
Help care for your dad.
When it becomes impossible consider getting help in or placing him.
(by the way if your dad is a Veteran the VA may help and both he and your mom may qualify for benefits)
Also, because it is me responding...your dad may qualify for Hospice you will get help, supplies, equipment, support. It might be worth a call.
Nothing will stop an alcoholic who wants to drink.
Please stop trying to “explain” anything to him. It is a waste of your time and a waste of his.
As has been previously asked, do you live with him?
As Alva stated, you can't just "cut him off " of the alcohol!
Alcoholic withdrawal can be deadly!
How old is he and what type of cancer?
The reason I ask is depending on his age and cancer stage, does his drinking truly matter at this point?
I apologize if this sounds harsh, however, if he's not going to get better why not let him do what makes him happy?
A little more info may be helpful to the rest of us.
My Mom is 84 and alcoholic. I have learned to choose my battles carefully!
(((Hugs)))
At this point, the man is an alcoholic, has cancer, and has dementia. It sounds like he's beyond being taken care of at home. Panhead and mom need get placement in a nursing home for him.
She gets his pension, pays his bills and takes him shopping. He is not allowed any alcohol, but his friends bring it over anyway. She does the best she can, but at the end of the day, he wants to drink and she can only do so much.
This was she can control, to an extent, the amount of alcohol he gets. It's a losing battle, but she's tough and loving and has no expectations that he will ever be 'clean'. She just does what she can and leaves him be. And no, he no longer can drive, so that's a blessing. He's 63. Younger than me.
Bottom line - either stay off the booze of I will not take care of you and you're on your own.
If your dad is competent then he can & will drink himself to death if that is what he chooses. You can do what Alva has stated and maybe you'll get lucky if your dad is not competent.
Do not withhold alcohol from him because as Alva has stated this has to be done under the supervision of a M.D.. It is not just dangerous but it is deadly.
I would talk to his Dr and tell him/her about your dad's drinking and see what the Dr says.
I wish you the best of luck. I know from experience that it is hard to watch someone you love drink themselves to death!
Speak with his doctor.
Do understand that you need POA for placement such as this, and more importantly that withdrawal from alcohol is done by medical MD, not by just withdrawing alcohol which is exceptionally dangerous to do.