My 95-year-old dad has a huge apartment and his caregiver and her 9-year-old daughter have been living with him for 3 years. The mom is very strict with her daughter, but caring with my stepdad, and they have a good relationship. Last week, I heard that Child Protective Services came and got the kid after the caregiver *burned* her intentionally with a hot fork. The mother said her daughter was being disrespectful and she was teaching her a lesson. Then Friday the police came and arrested the mom (I was not informed), leaving my dad unattended all day till I got home from work at 10pm. I've been calling replacement caregivers all day. About an hour ago, a friend of the mother called me and said she has made bail and will be out either tomorrow or Monday. But now, despite the good history till this incident, I am not sure I want her in here; if she can turn against her daughter, can she turn against my dad? However, all of her stuff is here. And her dog. How do I approach getting her out? I have power of attorney for my dad's affairs but how should I handle this? I have never seen any evidence of her being violent with him - and I do look; but this whole thing is so disconcerting. Should I give her a second chance or get rid of her? I am hearing all of these facts second hand, but I see online that she's been charged with 2nd degree Assault.
I would be curious as to who called Child Protective Services on this matter. There are always 2 sides to every situation. It could be a situation where the child could have burned herself and pumped up the story on social media to get attention. Or to get even with her Mother for something her Mom said "no".
Just food for thought.
A woman who burns her child bad enough to be taken to hospital and removed by CPS and also arrested is someone who should NEVER be around your elderly father or any child. God knows what else this woman is capable of. Also call APS to get advice.
I'm sorry this is a huge inconvenience.....but this is your father's life and safety at stake. She could harm him and tell police "Oh, he tripped and fell".
DONT LET THIS WOMAN COME BACK!!!! I seriously doubt this is the first time she has harmed her daughter.
First, abusers usually don't stop at just one person and they definitely don't stop at just assaulting people, they'll also assault animals. Abusers are usually either predatory, opportunist or both. I can also tell you from experience with my abusive parents that they usually do the abusing in secret, which is exactly why you've never seen her I thought your dad. I know what I'm talking about because my mom did the same exact thing to me. She was good in front of others but her true nature came out when no one was around. This is when all h*ll broke loose and that's how abusers usually are, although some may abuse in front of others but not usually if they want to keep it secret. I would personally check dad for signs of abuse like unexplained cuts, bruises, missing hair if he has any, and also signs of neglect. While you're at it, check his bank account and his bank statements for signs of elder abuse to see if there are any large amounts of money being withdrawn, abusers often go for the victim's money and anything else belonging to the victim. See if anything is missing from around the house or anywhere else like storage.
I personally would not give this person a second chance because I can tell you from experience they'll reoffend, and the next time will be worse guaranteed. If she did this once, most likely she's done it before whether or not it's ever been reported. I know what I'm talking about because my mom killed my only bio sister and that was obvious since it hit the papers and made public record. When I was born, the abuse was on reported since there was no one around and I didn't know where to turn or where to go for 13 years until I was nearly killed one too many times. I knew my end was near because the blows kept getting harder and even started in vital areas that if hurt bad enough could kill you. Though my school, bus driver and other kids saw the signs and suspected abuse, someone eventually called cps. Sadly though I was coached by mom in what to say and she and dad were right there to make sure I said what I was told to say. There was so much the CPS just didn't know despite being called. This is why I say many times abuse doesn't always get reported since usually the victims are scared into keeping quiet or they may be too young to know where to turn if they haven't been told about where to turn in the event of an emergency. Usually abusers don't want young kids to no emergency numbers so the child is powerless to get help from the right resources.
What I would do in your particular situation especially since I barely survived abuse:
I'd definitely put this person's stuff to the curb and don't let her back in that house or around her victim. You can guarantee that if you were to ask your dad if this person ever hit him, he'll definitely say no because he would be lying to cover for his abuser. I know what I'm talking about because I was also coached to lie to cover for my abuser. Don't be surprised if he dodges the question and tries to avoid it or even suddenly clams up, these are often very obvious signs the victim is hiding something and covering for the abuser. I had to do the very same thing when I was abused because my abuser coached me. If you talk to your dad in sure he open up, he may mention something about the abuser wanting to 'keep this this a secret' or say something like "it's our little secret" and not to tell anyone.
I guarantee you that abuser daughter is not the only victim, she's victimized others especially if this happened to be on public record. If you were to let her back in and near your dad, I can guarantee you the abuse will worsen. Don't fall for the "I'm sorry it'll never happen again" "i'm getting help" trap.
* They're not really sorry, just sorry they were caught!
What you need to do if you have a copy of the public record is get a copy of it and take it to a judge and request a permanent restraining order against this person. You should also get reports from where the CPS took the child and even arrested her in order to have a much stronger case and more of a likelihood that a judge will help you with whatever legal protections they can give you. Again, I personally would definitely put this abusers stuff on the curb, especially on trash day if she's not expected to return for a while. I personally would send her stuff off with the trash since she traded your dad like trash. If she comes looking for her stuff, you don't have to tell her where it went except you set it out, she didn't pick it up and oh well, now it's gone, move on! This is exactly how I would handle it if someone like that turned out to be abusive, got arrested for it and even risked your dad's life. I can tell you for a cold hard fact that people like this are ticking time bomb's that could blow any time. Hopefully you didn't know or I would be looking at you as partly responsible if you knew and hired her anyway without a background check. If you knew or just didn't do your homework by doing a background check then shame on you because then your part responsible. Your particular situation is exactly why it's so important to do a background checks on whoever is around the vulnerable people in your life whether it be children or elderly or even yourself. I still think though that you should've known if you let this person in your dad's house and they turned out to be abusive. If this person has one assault on her record, you don't know that she might not have others if this is not her first reported offense. I can also guarantee you that if she's that abusive she's probably been abusing her daughter all along and I wouldn't be a bit surprised if she hasn't done a few things to your dad. I have even more than 13 years of experience with abusers since I had lessons to learn about other abuse types a little bit later in life. People usually don't understand until they themselves have had something happened to them, giving them personal experience, which is what I have since many things have happened to me in my own life. It's true that people who have been abused must be very careful lest they fall into some kind of trap where they end up getting involved with another abuser. Those kinds of people are usually called "jerk magnets" since they usually tend to attract jerks or are attracted to them. There are a select few who have learned from one single experience in one particular area but there are a few who have learned multiple lessons, one of each. Sometimes God may allow certain situations to teach you something but it never lasts forever, these lessons are just temporary. Then when the lesson is learned, you can then go on to share your story with others and warn them. You can also let them know they're not alone, and I can assure you that your dad and the dirt bag's daughter are definitely not alone. Hopefully that dirt bag never gets her daughter back because she will only end up killing her daughter in the end and maybe even your dad. Choose wisely what you do because what you decide could cost your dad his life. Abusers usually end up killing their victims at some point, which is why I warn you to choose wisely what you do because your choice could cost your dad his life by not making the right decision
Further, I can't imagine a police department that would arrest a person who was on the job caring for a vulnerable adult not making a call to social services, at the very least, to alert someone to the fact that he was being left alone
I'm very cautious about this post, because what is being reported here seems to have been gathered from social media, and perhaps from a dementia patient and a "friend" of the person "arrested".
I would call an agency and get a temporary caregiver until you get this sorted.
With facts.
The whole story sounds very fishy to me.
How badly would you have to burn yourself to believe it required hospital treatment? I mean, what are we thinking here? That she heated the fork on a gas ring and branded the child for life? Or that she took the child's dinner fork out of her hot supper and held it against the back of her hand?
CPS might well, and quite properly, have taken her to hospital for a forensic examination, though, and perhaps found other grounds for suspecting abuse - who knows?
Or it could be that the child was engaged in a show and tell at school and was overheard by a mandated reporter, and the following sequence of events echoes the pattern above: an instant response that this woman is not fit to set foot in the same house as a 95 year old she's spent three years devotedly looking after.
We just don't know.
Assuming CPS took the child to the hospital for treatment of the burn, there would have been photos taken as well as the medical reports initiated by the hospital, which the police would be able to access.
Hospital staff are mandated reporters. Those are probably the primary criteria for charges being pressed against the mother.
Goodness.
That was a bit nuts of her, whichever way you look at it. But define burned, define hot, and then consider whether you yourself think the consequences have, so far, been entirely proportionate.
Three of those consequences are that:
a nine year old child has been removed from a stable home and is now in the care system, God help her.
a woman you personally know to be of previous good character has been arrested and charged with assault.
a 95 year old man was left unattended, while the authorities present in the home raised not a finger to inform his family or make provision for his care.
You need to know a *lot* more about what has happened before you rush to judgement on the mother. But meanwhile, of course, your priority must be your father's wellbeing.
So...
First of all, source alternative care for your father. Would it be possible in the short-term, for example, for you to stay at his house overnight and have agency caregivers coming in during the day?
Once that's under control, talk to the woman. Have there been other concerns raised about her daughter's welfare? Have you yourself ever before considered her parenting to be over-disciplinarian or in any way abusive? What *exactly* happened with this fork incident, and how did it come to the authorities' attention?
Until you have a clear first-hand account of what has happened, do take steps to ensure your father's continuing care but don't join in what could be a destructive witch-hunt.
Is your father very upset by what has happened? It really bothers me that no thought seems to have been given to him at all; and even though obviously CPS have their own priorities that doesn't mean they couldn't manage one measly phone call, for heaven's sake. It raises a question mark in my mind about the calibre and attitudes of the team at work, here.
Tell the friend to come and get the dog. And ask the friend to pass on the information not to return to Dad's apartment.
Are you living there too? If not, could you stay with him, while you pack up the caregiver's things?
Can you call APS to intervene and get him some help, or keep the caregiver away?
This will go on for quite some time with CPS, the mother needing attorneys fees, court appearances, etc. A desperate time for her, and stressing your Dad out, perhap demanding money.
Fire her.
If at all possible, put her belongings in storage, pay the first month, tell her not to return
because she is fired. Give her a second chance? To do what, may I ask?
Do all this swiftly, and legal, consulting an eviction attorney.
Is your Dad at all involved-a witness to the abuse? Lawyer. All they have to do is change the child's mind to say your Dad did this. A child of nine is very pliable. There is very dangerous liability there. imo. It doesn't have to be true, they just have to say it.
Ask your Dad to make a clean break.
Now, about the dog......
It would be interesting to know what your father thinks?
I used to work in hospice and I now I work with HIV/AIDS patients and everywhere I go either to work or to volunteer I am subject to a background check. Not only would I never abuse anyone but I would never do anything to compromise my clean record. This caregiver obviously doesn't care about her record and I'd get a person like that away from my father as fast as I could.
And she abused her daughter! It wasn't a little tap on the butt to make a point, she burned her daughter intentionally. That's scary. Have someone with you when she clears her stuff out. I don't think you'll need an attorney to get her out of there when you have her police record.
Did you check for past criminal actions, or with the Juvenile Court to see if she's done this before? Child abusers can often display indications of physical abuse before a really violent incident, so I wonder if this has been going on but you were unaware of it.
In addition, and I'm just speculating here, you don't want you or your father to be involved on any level if she turns on the daughter again.
You have constructive knowledge of her child abuse. Knowingly allowing her in your father's apartment, especially if she is convicted, might put you in a position of theoretically condoning potential elder abuse, as well as any future charges of child abuse.
And if she is convicted, she won't be available anyway. Her child would probably be put in foster care. If she's given probation, you then have a convicted felon caring for your father. That could be construed as potential elder abuse by APS.
And realistically, I would REALLY be concerned about your father.
If you have a contract with her, check the termination clauses to see what the bases are, and write a letter of termination. If you're concerned she might retaliate, ask the police if they could be present when she removes her possessions.
Since she's been there 3 years, you'll probably have to issue an eviction notice.
It wouldn't hurt to get advice from not only the police but a landlord tenant attorney. Just make sure your father isn't alone when she removes her things, and that she gets everything so she has no excuse to come back.
Think about it. Do you really want someone who has been charged with 2nd degree assault looking after a family member? She harmed her own child. I think I would get legal advice about giving her notice of the end of her job, about the end of her living arrangement and about disposing of her belongings. I know so far there is just a charge not a conviction, but I gather there is little, if any, doubt, that she is guilty.
Was she hired privately or through an agency? Wishing you luck in finding a replacement quickly.