Dads on death bed. Psycho sibling has caused huge fight with me an on verge of physical assault. Mom upset. Should mom rewrite will?
This will long. My Older sister and I have gotten along about 30% of time. She moved away married at 19. She's 55. I stayed in same town where parents are and married. Kids. I'm 50. Every major event in my fam has resulted in sister creating a psycho blowup and major drama. Total misery for me. Sibling abuse has happen thru childhood from her. My own kids hate her and their 16 and 21 now. HER own relationship with her kids is not good. Like walking on glass. Physical fights with both thru yrs. Both 30 and 23. Sister remarried after 26 yr marriage to jerk but her choice to escape parent's. So NOW my Dad is expected to live only 2 wks. OF COARSE a HUGE blowup when we moved Dad to a Group Home(sorta a NH but only 4 pts and cheaper) for his Hospice care the 7th (Sept). I'm MPOA, DPOA for both cause I live here. I have Med knowledge too. So, day of transfer was a total disaster. Group home was not ready for Dad. Hospice did not send his orders, yada, yada. So It took 4 hrs to get things straight with staff and Hospice nurse. Meanwhile my Husband put my Dad to bed from wheelchair. He obviously wanted to lay down after sitting for an hr! But oh no..sister knows better! She dont even care for parents! I have for 7 yrs. She comes a mere 24 hrs once a month at best. So she got irritated. She has probs with authority or others, esp men, telling her what to do.
So after all that figuring out and I was exhausted from careing for Dad, bedridden since Aug 25th, I go into Dads rm which isn't far from where discussion was and she starts verbally letting me have it! Saying I'm bossing staff. Im not letting them do job (they didnt have orders duhhh) I'm being a female dog. And I wasn't. I know how to handle med issues with staff and nurses esp in a care home! She on other hand does not. Almost yelling at me. Really hurt my feelings and made me mad after all I've done. So I left and said "you can handle Dads care till Sun" (she was spending night I kinda made her due to not helping) She says " oh ur F*ing mad now?" Well YEAH! And Dads oxygen wasnt even set up.
So if she's soo smart she could do it or get the staff! So I left upset and Hospice nurse saw me. Asked about. I said never mind. Next Day I bring Mom after hoping Dad settled and everything's a mess. Sister says "they didnt do this they didnt do that!!" Well that's what I was trying to figure out b4 u griped me out! She got all ticked and started gathering her stuff. "I need to go home (1 hr an 20 away) & help husband (new one 2017) & pack." Huh? A grown man can't pack and your Dad is on Hospice away from his home first time! I needed her to stay with Mom at new place while I ran errands and get my stuff to spend night Sun night with Dad to settle. I said "I really need u to stay til much later." "NO!".
So that ticked me off and along with every thing else and I was and am exhausted I said" Fine. Dont help. Dont need you next wkend either.!" Well she charged me right in my face. Nose 2 nose. Cussing. Yelling. Whole home could here. Another psycho blow up. All on video in room. Almost assault. Its like Bi-polar. We are adopted and not real sisters which shows to me. Now she has washed hands of me, threatening me if I'm at Dads Hospice place she will beat me up, washed hands of Mom. Calls her by her first name now. Gave apartment key back. Said after Dad dies she done with all of us. So she isn't helping with her own Mother? Hurt my Mom's feelings and My mom losing husband. I'm executor. She took couple items without oking it with me or anyone cause she thought she should have them prior to handing key. Now Mom has fallen and broke ankle! In rehab last 3 days. Can't see dad or discharge (Medicare). Sister has not came back to help for any weekend since "assault". So I secured items and left notes that all items are to remain until after death and executor can do job. I'm not good on finances (ADD late dx) so nervous about being executor now. Since Mom's in rehab for awhile. Should Mom have will re-wrote completely after Dad dies? Sib so mean and has been 4 ever. Not much $
Everyone take a step back and breathe.
Please talk to the hospice social worker as soon as you can about all the stress in your life. And ask the SW to reach out to your sister as well.
You have gone above and beyond, no question. Sis (I call mine twisteds) is struggling too, in her way. We all have our own ways to grieve, some in better ways than others. There is anger phase and it seems you are both there. Some start to think about what the others have done that should have been differently, histrionics.
All you can do is what you can do and the same goes with your twisted. She doesn't think you are doing things right either. We often blow up with those we are closest to.
Take a step back, breathe, concentrate on mom and dad, make them your priority. Limit time with twisted as much as you possibly can as she will continue to cause additional stress for you.
Try to make this time as calm as you possibly can for your folks. My sympathies.
When your Dad passes and you are executor a visit to an elder law attorney will help you file the will for probate; yes, there will be a charge, and you have said there isn't a lot of money. I think likely after Mom inherits, and through her latter years, there will be nothing left for either of you.
As to rewriting wills? I wouldn't. I have seen disinherited children. It is like the last slap that can never be reconciled or taken back. I understand all the reasons you tell me that could condone doing it. It is a choice. I just would not do it.
I very much worry about the physicality it all came to. As much as possible, and for your OWN sake, try to go grey rock as much as you can. Silence. Short answers. Blank delivery with no drama.
This is a horribly stressful time for your entire family. I hope, for the sake of your Mom alone, that you both will try hard to get along on the surface, just for Mom's sake. Later, when this is all behind you, you needn't see your Sister again if that is your choice.
Try not to think ahead too much. There is enough trouble right here in this day. Just stay mindful and in this day. I have to remind myself of that all the time because my mind keeps wanting to go far out and hystericalise every single thing that could possibly happen to cause me more fear and pain. You plate is so full right now. I am so sorry for that.
1) If Dad’s will leaves everything to Mother, take that off the urgent list. Mother should change her own will if she survives Dad, but so long as she is competent there is no urgency about it. For things in joint names, no legal work is required anyway. For things that do need paperwork, there is no hurry – most estates with any complications take at least a year to finalise.
2) I wouldn’t worry too much about the result of Mother cutting Sis out. My appalling father cut all of his children out of his, and left the lot to the most recent flatterer, and honestly it was just one more pin prick. MIL gave away most of her assets to the kids that weren’t a nightmare, and then left the small amount that was left equally to all including nightmare SIL. Not possible to challenge, no hassles legally.
3) Change locks to stop the possibility of Sis nicking stuff. Been there – SIL came around with a large shopping-type bag and all the little valuable things went into it, which of course the family only realised later. Notes won’t help!
4) Use the POA to ban Sis from visiting Dad, unless you are sure that the visit will be appropriate – not yelling at Dad, you, or the staff. Think about what Dad would want. It he really wants Sis to visit, just grit your teeth and stay out of the way. If he doesn’t really care, tell him a kindly fib like she sends her best wishes.
5) When and if you need help as Executor, you can easily get it by hiring a lawyer to do it all. It costs, but there is nothing left to frighten you.
Try to postpone everything that really isn’t urgent, cut out as much stress as you can, and try to get through the next few difficult weeks as well as possible. Best wishes, Margaret
You said "they have not set up Dads oxygen". This is Hospices responsibility to make sure all equipment is ordered and set up. That would be a hospital bed and oxygen. The Hospice Nurse should have had the orders with her. The home will receive Depends, chuxs and wipes. These are for your Dad and not to be used for other residents. They usually arrive in bulk so I suggest that what is not needed at that time, be put in the trunk of your car and supplied when needed. Make the Hospice Nurse aware of this so she doesn't reorder till needed. When not needed anymore then donate them to the group home.
My Mom had to write her own Will after Dads death because up till then their Wills read "what is yours is mine". When it comes to ur Moms will, thats up to Mom. You should not have any input. Let her do what she wants when it comes to sister. Let the lawyer guide her. If she doesn't want to include sister, then that needs to be mentioned and maybe a small amt left to her so she can't contest the will.
So sorry about Dad. This will be a stressful time. God Bless.
If you will be Moms Executor, I would allow a lawyer to handle probate. Then sister can argue with him. Me, I would want a peaceful life, so would cut ties.
Now Wills are another story.
IF your Mother is mentally capable to make decisions legally, she is the only person who can change the Will. You cannot influence her choices of what to do. You can be with her if she changes it while she speaks with an attorney, but you cannot voice your opinion. If she is not mentally capable, things stay as they are, you can only follow her wishes.
Does not matter if you have DPOA/GPOA, you cannot control what is/is not in the Will.
I'm guardian/conservator 4 our Mom. My sibs 'think' the Will is lost, older sister wanted Mom to redo her Will because it was old (Wills do not expire, just piss people off). I have researched the Law over 5-7 yrs due to sibs. When Mom had all of her marbles, she had me help her ADD a codicil to her Will. She was very upset with 2 sibs especially 1 of 2 so she wanted to make changes. So, if codicils (addendum to the Will) is accepted in your State, Mom can make changes w/o having to completely redo.
I definitely would not let your 'sister' know you are talking with Mom about this!!
GET MEDICAL POA TOO. SISTER WILL NOT BE ABLE TO PUSH YOU AROUND ABOUT DAD OR MOM. YOU CAN HAVE HER REMOVED SHOULD SHE PUT A SHOW ON FOR THE STAFF.
It definitely sounds like Mom is afraid of your sister too. You can get a restraining order too against sister and her side of family because you know they can/will become aggressive and physically attack family members.
Get yourself a really good Elder law attorney for your parents and also be your advocate.