It's been a while since I've posted but my father's situation has not improved. He has been diagnosed with dementia, and although I was in denial about that, hindsight is 20/20 and he has had noticeable personality changes going back 2-3 years and unfortunately it seems to be getting worse.
My concern is he has high calcium due to issues with his parathyroid. He was given medication to lower his calcium which he refuses to take and met with a ENT doctor after being referred by his PCP who advised surgery to remove affected parathyroid glands. He has refused surgery.
Meanwhile he is depressed, sad, mean, angry, not social at all and basically has nothing to say unless he is complaining or fussing. What makes me angry is its obvious he does not feel well at all yet he's not doing anything about it. He goes from saying he's ready to give up, once or twice he mentioned taking all his other meds at one time just to get it over with and then the next day when asked how he feels he says he feels good - although it's obvious he doesn't. He has a headache everyday, grunts and moan all day and just seems miserable.
I'm so mad at him, but I try to remind myself that I have no idea how it feels to be 84 years old. The thought of surgery is not pleasant at any age but I'm sure for an elderly person it really scary. He has terrible hearing and depends on hearing aids that may or may not help. So when doctors and/or family talk to him about his health, meds and surgery even if he can hear that particular day he pretends not to. I just feel like I should be doing something...but what?
All you can do is be supportive. You can't throw him over your shoulder and take him to the Dr.
Is calcium the only med he's supposed to be taking or does he refuse all his other meds too? Refusing medication could be your dad's passive way of letting go. We're programmed as caregivers to give care, not to sit idly by while someone makes poor choices but they're his choices to make. You can fight him on it at every step driving the both of your crazy or you can support his right to care for his health as he sees fit.
Because he has dementia you can't expect him to be logical but if he didn't have dementia I'd suggest that you tell him, "OK Dad, you win. I won't nag you about this anymore. You know how I feel about this but it's your health, it's your life, and it's your choice."
And because he has dementia that might be an argument for forcing medication down his throat, if you can. I disagree. It would be different if he were passive but he's said that he doesn't want to take the medication. And if he's lucid enough to understand he needs surgery and to understand that by not having surgery he will grow worse then he's lucid enough to have a say in his treatment.
The hardest thing to do is to let go.
From what I'm reading (and reading between the lines), although dad has dementia, it sounds as though he's more lucid than many.
What comes to my mind is that it may be time to have him evaluated for hospice. As the evaluator talks with him, he may make his wishes quite clear either way. It may jolt him into a different reality. Or he'll have a chance to voice his inner-most thoughts to people who hear them without judgment.
That may be the kindest gift of all -- finally giving him the power to choose.
Bring it up to him again at some point in a very non-threatening way, kinda like an off-hand comment and then let the comment lie there. Your dad may change his mind.
.Now, I don't know exactly all the problems with your Dad. I would not want surgery if I was 84. Can be very hard on a lot of other things in our bodies. So, if he knows the risks, it may be easier and more kind in the long run to love him for himself while you still have him with you!
What were your symptoms prior to surgery? Like, my father is moans and groans, he grunts on purpose for 30 minutes at a time trying to "clear up" his head. There was a time he said it was the devil and the devil was speaking to him calling him stupid because he could not figure out how fix his issue. He's always grabbing at his stomach and making faces as if he's in pain although he says he's not and he has a constant headache that seems to get worse when he moves around. I really want to know what happens if this issue is not fixed...there very little info out there but from what I have read it just progressively gets worse and makes life miserable. :(
Surgery is a better answer than medication in general for this...can you pin down what is making him not want the medication? Some side effect, or not understanding what it's for?? Maybe he thinks it's a psych med and does not understand the hyperparathyroidism thing. It is not necessarily a terrifically difficult surgery to get through even for a 90+ year old! it's possible to insist on something if the person does not understand risks and benefits! but it would need ethics consult and/or POA and guardianship. It seems a terrible shame to let someone be utterly miserable and die when the condition making them that way is so treatable.
It is funny, I had no symptoms that I recall. However, something in my yearly checkup caused the Doc to order a Dexascan, which measures your bone size, density, or whatever they look for..It is easy, as all you do is take of your shoes and lie on a special bed and get your picture taken! Anyway that test showed lower bone density than they all liked so I went thru tests all summer and ended up with a gall bladder removal at the same time. The calcium had built up so that it was full of gallstones!
Hope that helps some!
Vicky