im his POA the Hospice says his health is declining fast, he fell After his wife left him on the bedside toilet my dad is 83 he gave me POA & told me to get him out of the home if he could no longer take care of himself he was able to make his own decision when he was released from hospital back home within 2 weeks everything including his attitude was great until his wife excluded his grown children 9 of them in his daily & nightly care my dad will not make it there without his medicine & food he is also diabetic should I pull him out or let him go without the 24-7 care I know he needs, I hate to move him if his time is short anyway. How do I know the end of his time is near. He still watches sports & eats very little. I need some advice please thanks so much. I want to help my dad as much as possible I really feel like pulling him out his wife home. All his children know she has always been mean & selfish.
Even on hospice, he deserves proper care and to be kept comfortable. If his wife is standing in the way of that.....something must be wrong with her. I would just let his comfort and care be my first priority and then get it done.
An agent under a Power of Attorney can decide what to pay for and what not to pay for. In practice, that can effectively determine health care.
Deco rate their home for the holidays, make ahead meals, anything to ease up some of the burden it is to take care of a Hospice patient near the end of his life, especially during the holidays! He should be able to see All his kids put their differences aside, and pull together for the greater good! No, it's not easy, but nothing in life worthwhile ever is!
I realize that there are hurt feelings on both sides, you made mention of that in the suggestion of "Them" reaping the benifits of his life insurance once he's past, but remember, this is their marriage, and she will proneed every penny oncehe is gone, to live out the remainder of her days, without him.
I definitely would not do anything that would cause a wedge bewteen them now, as obviously he did tell you he didn't think she could manage him on her own, but sometimes people are reluctant to ask for the things they need in these types of situations, as it paints them in a light that they just aren't what they used to be, or what they used to be able to manage. The holidays are a very difficult time at best, and to have your husband dying is probably the hardest thing she will ever face, so try not to separate the family, try to unite them, for your Dad's sake. He will truly Love and appreciate you for it!
RPerkins14, sounds like Step-Mom is burning out from trying to care for her husband, the shakes is a symptom. Since I don't know how old Step-Mom is, women of the past generations do not like to have other people come into the house to help with care, especially care of a husband. My Mom was like that, she felt it was her "job" to do all the caring, do everything, but was in denial that she was at the age where she just couldn't. So you need to look at this situation through her eyes, too. She is scared, the love of her life will be leaving her soon. This is not how she and your Dad thought retirement would be.
It's ashamed that families cannot work together as a team for the best interest of the love one who is ill.
My Dad gave me secondary POA because my Mom was losing her hearing and eyesight, thus the lack of communication with doctors would be exhausting and difficult for her. Dad had her as main POA to make her feel this was the right thing to do, and me as secondary. I had to step in many a time when my Mom couldn't.
And be aware that often all meds are stopped once someone enters Hospice.
You mention him falling off the commode because she left him there alone implying negligence, but she may have just stepped away for moments to get supplies or attend to something, or he may have formerly been fine alone while he did his business and didn't need constant attention.
If there has been any failure of you all to welcome step mom into your lives I can understand her reluctance to having you all in her home 24/7, taking over care of her husband and perhaps over riding her authority, could there be a little of that happening?
And while your father telling you to get him out of that house if his care needs increased fuels you belief that he doesn't trust his wife, it could also have meant he wanted to spare her from the burden of caring for him.
Unless your father is begging to leave I think you need to step back a little. You need to be willing work with step mom as the primary caregiver and you all as support staff. You need to work with Hospice to see and understand what your father's needs are and how they can be best met. And you need to find a way to reduce the burden on your step mom, perhaps by hiring overnight helper if the family can not get along amicably. That's the way I see it anyway.
Your Dad will have to back you up. Meaning, when they come..he will have to ask them for help to get out of that house! If he doesn't do that...there is nothing you can do. Make sure he understands...this is the only way out for him. You are not his health care proxy, and have to authority over his well being.
Do not leave him in this environment..it is abusive