I am in my 60's with just fair health & live alone w/my dog. She is my only child. My daughter is 28, extremely intelligent but unsuccessful as she has bipolar disorder, so she quit college and married a college dropout guy. She lives far away in another state. She cut me and my whole family off.
At first I used to spy on her through social media sites, and that is how I found out she got married and got pregnant!
I just messaged her sister-in-law yesterday and she said that I "don't love my daughter enough to let her go." (???!!!) I love her more than life itself. She was planned by me and loved unconditionally by me. There was no abuse or substance abuse in her childhood; she was spoiled rotten as an only child. She cut off her father and his family 10 years ago and didn't even express caring when her grandfather died. I hate to say it, but I raised a really mean person somehow and her therapists in her teen years told me it came from her father. We were not married long, and I raised her as a single mom and did my best.
She used to be loving and make gifts for me all the time, but when she moved away to Texas she came upon hard times and started demanding money from me. I am just on social security and I did what I could but it wasn't enough. Apparently people are only of use to her when they can give her money, I'm ashamed to say.
At first I became very very suicidal, but then I accepted it. My poor daughter has severe social phobia and doesn't get along with people well. After messaging with her new sister-in-law who verbally abused me terribly, I am very afraid that my daughter will have terrible problems with her inlaws when it all falls apart and there will be a child involved.
I do not know her address or phone number and so when something happens to me, will the police notify her? I have no one to notify her. I am very very lonely, living in an apartment with my dog in the forest. I think it will help a lot if I move to a Senior Apartment Complex that is 12 miles away. Then, I will have ready made friends to take my mind off my poor daughter.
Every day I have suicide thoughts and every day I overcome them by putting one foot in front of the other and lavishing my dog with all my love. You may have read my other posts that my father is also long distance and I had to cut him off due to severe abuse from him as he has dementia (he has caregivers).
I have a huge heart and I love everyone, but am left without anyone. I found a Facebook support group on the subject of Estranged Parents but it triggered my suffering so much that I had to quit. My only defense/survival mechanism is distracting myself from thinking about her.
Any thoughts or tips? I have an ugly future ahead of me, I believe. If any. Thank you.
I don't want to frighten or upset you, I just want to understand - so bear with me while I ask you this. Now then. Your daughter, your father, your husband, your brother are all estranged from you. Why? Please believe me, I am NOT making any assumptions here that the reasons are on your side; I'm genuinely asking you to explain how it's come about.
The big point is, that you have lots of time to change your life. You are only 62. You say your daughter has "cut you off forever" but forever is only a word that can be true for the past.
It worries me that you found a support network specific to your situation too painful to participate in. Normally, a trouble shared is a trouble halved, isn't it? I agree that estrangement from one's children is a terrible thing for any parent to contemplate or think about, the sadness is dreadful; but was there more to it than that? What I'm wondering is if there are truths you're not ready to face; and if just maybe those are some of the things you need to grapple with to change your situation.
Please say more. Life doesn't have to look so bleak.
PS I agree with rocknrobin, too. Do reach out.
I debated writing this as I most certainly don't want to hurt you, but I do think that your daughter has been enabled in her offensive and distant behavior. You state that despite your financial situation you have still helped her, yet she continued to maintain a barrier between the two of you.
Unfortunately, I think she's discovered she can manipulate and control the situation. You'll need to accept this and back off, or she'll continue to control the relationship.
Look also at your description of your daughter - great amounts of sympathy from you despite her treatment of you.
I think you'll find much more reward by getting out and joining social groups that don't focus on the issues at hand. Join a book club, gardening club, volunteer at a local hospital...something that takes your mind off your daughter and suicide.
Have you tried to get medical help (such as psychiatric or therapeutic help) for your thoughts of suicide?
I think it would help to first accept the estrangement from your daughter, based on her actions, then decide how you want to live your life given that fact. I can understand it is extremely difficult, but your post suggests you're miserable, and that's no way to live. Find joy in your life without your daughter, and best wishes in your quest to escape a depressing situation.
I would
I have a friend (V) who for years has been going through a similar situation as yours---different circumstances, but same insurmountable wall between her and her daughter & young grandson. V is a very nice person, loving and helpful, likes to give hugs, but she can also be very annoying and intrusive. If I feel this from my casual contact with her I can imagine that her daughter, who like yours has severe emotional problems and is very immature, must have felt like the only way to avoid Mom's unwanted interference was to cut her off. It's not that V was necessarily doing anything wrong, but given her daughter's personality disorder, it was enough to alienate them.
You say you have a big heart, which I believe you do, but step back and analyze how a bi-polar person with no apparent emotional attachment might react to your heartfelt attempts at reconciliation. You are not dealing with an emotionally healthy individual and it's obvious from your comments that you yourself are not emotionally well. If the only thing that is keeping you from suicide is caring for your beloved pet, that is not enough. You will probably outlive your dog and then what? As much as we love our family, friends and pets, we cannot pin our hopes and reason for living on any of them. We are so blessed to have them and they do give meaning to life, even those who don't appreciate us, but in the end we must be able to be alone with ourselves and still find life worth living. I am not saying this flippantly. Just the thought of one of my children treating me the way you have been and never being able to see my grandchild is devastating.
I don't know if you are religious, but I believe we are all beloved children of a Heavenly Father who allows us to experience adversity to become spiritually stronger and more loving & compassionate. Regardless of your beliefs, suicide is never a solution, but an end to any possibility of a solution. Please reach out for help even if it means moving from your home in the woods. You can't deal with this hurt alone and you deserve to be loved and treasured.
No I am not religious anymore. I was married to a preacher for 12 years who was a hidden alcoholic and then a drug user. I have recently studied evolution and am happy being an agnostic. I have spirituality but I battle depression because of my family estrangements. Family is very important to me but its not important to my family. Make sense? Please don't preach to me.
I had to learn that there were things I would never get from my family of origin. I could either spend my life and energy trying to make them the family they would never be or I could find what I needed to feel a sense of belonging and support in other places. Church choirs, Kiwanis, friends and neighbors, online support groups and listservs - I like this place but I still miss the old listservs, I'll tell you what. And FaceBook has gotten me connected with relatives I'd not seen or heard form in years. The biggest reason my family was not that for me was their tendency to cut relationships off if ANYTHING went wrong or led to any disagreement, and avoid shows of affection, so I make a point to be tolerant and see the good side of people as much as I can, and though I'll never be normally huggy and gregarious, I try to be, though it still seems artificial and awkward for me.
I understand the pain - I once thought my daughter had cut ME off, but it turned out she had just got busy and had some passwrods hijacked and had not been on email or FB for a bit. God that was awful. I had no idea what I'd done or not done, and was relieved to find out it wasn' t me. In your daughter's case, with bipolar, there's no telling. But Kiwanis, Rotary, a Tai Chi Group, and animal rescue league, darn near anything you can get into with some shared interests will start to fill some of the holes in your heart where a family is supposed to be, and the other people there start to go from being friends to being a second family after a long while with them. Don't wait for your family to be a family again for you to be happy again, it sounds like its not gonna happen that way!
See All Answers