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She said she wants me to get my own life and find interests for myself but I feel like I should be involved in their lives and help where I can. Is my DIL being insensitive?
It is difficult for 2 queens to share one kingdom. I come from a Latin background, where multi-generational households are common....but not easy. I do not know of any family with this living arrangement that does not have some level of conflict. Sorry to say, if you all can find a balance where you each have your own identity, and share part of your lives you may be able to make it work in the long run. Examples - A couple should have date night or vacation without feeling they have to invite mom. Mom should have some friends outside the household - activities center, bridge or book club. Mom should never snear or negatively opine on DIL's cooking, child rearing or housekeeping. DIL should also never voice opinions on mom......If you cannot say something nice about the other queen, shush. Couple should not expect an on call babysitter from mom, but you may want to volunteer occasionally, it builds a relationship with the grandkids (if you are able) Financials must be clear and agreed to, nothing tears a family apart more easily than money.
Every family is different these are just my observations.
Your DIL is an angel. Just think of all the SONS...all the DAUGHTERS...who don't want their own PARENTS living with them. Much LESS daughter-in-laws. You are soooo fortunate.
Your social life shouldn't revolve around your son and his family. You really need to cultivate other interests. If you do that, you'll just naturally be involved a bit less in their every-day lives...even if it's just in your conversation.
Get busy, mama! Join a Senior Center. Sign up for a senior water aerobics class. Join a book club. Find a bridge club. Conjur up some old friends and do lunch once a week. Join your local church. Volunteer at your local hospital. I could go on and on...but you get the idea.
Your DIL is filled with awesomeness! Now brag about her, your son and their kids to all your new friends. ;) ;)
I'm 74 and I live with my daughter's family. (Sold my house last year, trying to save some money.) Her kids are in college or just out of college, so I have my granddaughter's room most of the time. If she's home, either one of us is on the couch or I go to my other daughter's. But...I work full time, and am active in our church, so I'm not home a lot. I do help around the house, load and unload the dishwasher, etc. I suspect that your DIL sees your willingness to help as a criticism of her housekeeping. One thing I try to be careful of with my daughter is to NOT put anything in the kitchen away unless I know where she keeps it; if I'm I'm not totally sure, I leave it out on the counter and ask. (Kind of after a family thanksgiving dinner when the hostess can't find anything for weeks.) Yes, you do need to live your own life. When you're raising kids keeping busy is not a problem, but when the kids are grown and you don't have a husband underfoot, your days can look pretty empty. Look around and see if you have any friends who are housebound and could use your helping hands. I have a friend who has a daughter with CP and rarely gets out, so I stop by there when I can. Let your DIL miss you!
Had my MIL live with us for a few years when my kids were little. She helped with the kids, volunteered at the elementary school library, to help while I completed my college degree. She had her own quarters in the basement with a microwave and seldom had dinner with us. She was respectful of our family time together. Had she been in my area of the house all day, it would have driven me nuts! As it was, each morning she would come up to visit for a bit and every freaking morning would ask me what my plans were that day! Even that gets trying if you hear it all the time.
Find some activities to involve yourself with. Volunteer in the lbrary at the school, the lunchroom, as a reader to primary grades. Do not depend on DIL and family for your entertainment or to make yourself feel useful. There are many things you can do. It sounds as if DIL need space. Give it to her.
And why are you living with them? My marriage, to a very good man ended in divorce because I did not speak up. At least your DIL is telling you something take her cue.
Let your DIL be. She's set some boundaries for herself and her family. To keep bringing this up will only hurt your relationship.
It is sometimes very tough on a wife to has her husband's mom in the same house. She use to it being her house and him being her man.
She's wanting you to have your own life without your life being dependent upon their life. That may be hard to see, but trying viewing things from her shoes.
Tonnie, I'm really confused. I went back to look at your other posts and I see someone posting "my mother in law is 70 and wants to be in our lives all the time" or something to that effect. Are you and your daughter in law posting under the same name? Or are you what we call a troll, someone who makes up posts?
Thanks Babalou for pointing that out. Here's what "Tonnie" posted in July:
"My mil is 70. No major health issues, and still drives. She has no stressors or responsibilities what so ever but still chooses to sit in her room all day looking sad and depressed. I have went to her on numerous occasions just to find out what she likes to do so she can have something to do. She did tell me she always liked to sew and wanted to teach others to do so. I supported and encouraged her on this. Days turned to weeks to months and now a year later, I asked her, what was holding up her from her sewing activity and she had no real answer. I am really at my wits end with this woman. I honestly feel like she is just lazy, wants pity and is straight up miserable. I have spoke to my husband about it and his response is, she has to want to do it. That's just it, she needs to want to do it and do it. I am really starting to resent her. Any suggestions??"
So ... help us out here. Who is writing these posts? DIL? MIL? Son, to try to resolve issues between the women he loves?
Tonnie, when you were raising your family, how would you have felt about your MIL being there every day and every night?
My MIL was with me a few weeks after my second child was born. He had a birth defect and took a little extra care so I was extremely grateful that MIL was there to help out. And then she started potty training the older child. Oh my goodness! That did NOT please me. That was my job as his mother. I finally had to tell her that I would prefer to take care of that myself in a couple of months. (By the time the second one was ready for potty training I would have accepted help from a stranger wondering in from the street!) We each have our own concepts of what is our honor/responsibility as mothers. I suggest that you try very hard to respect the roles established in that household.
Your DIL is being very clear on what she'd like you to do. She'd like you to find your own life outside of the family, in addition to your presence in the household. And I think that would be a very good idea for your own mental health.
Do an experiment just for a few weeks and make yourself real scarce. In other words, be busy and beautiful and I bet they will be looking for you. Try it and let us know what happens.
Do you think that your DIL shouldn't run her home the way she wants? Or be, with her husband, the final arbiter of "what goes" in terms of religion, discipline and childrearing?
What was your experience raising your children? Did you have an on site mother or mother in law who had to be listened to?
Finally, are you and your daughter in law of different ethnicities? Please let us know the answers, they really matter!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Examples -
A couple should have date night or vacation without feeling they have to invite mom.
Mom should have some friends outside the household - activities center, bridge or book club.
Mom should never snear or negatively opine on DIL's cooking, child rearing or housekeeping. DIL should also never voice opinions on mom......If you cannot say something nice about the other queen, shush.
Couple should not expect an on call babysitter from mom, but you may want to volunteer occasionally, it builds a relationship with the grandkids (if you are able)
Financials must be clear and agreed to, nothing tears a family apart more easily than money.
Every family is different these are just my observations.
Your social life shouldn't revolve around your son and his family. You really need to cultivate other interests. If you do that, you'll just naturally be involved a bit less in their every-day lives...even if it's just in your conversation.
Get busy, mama! Join a Senior Center. Sign up for a senior water aerobics class. Join a book club. Find a bridge club. Conjur up some old friends and do lunch once a week. Join your local church. Volunteer at your local hospital. I could go on and on...but you get the idea.
Your DIL is filled with awesomeness! Now brag about her, your son and their kids to all your new friends. ;) ;)
I suspect that your DIL sees your willingness to help as a criticism of her housekeeping. One thing I try to be careful of with my daughter is to NOT put anything in the kitchen away unless I know where she keeps it; if I'm I'm not totally sure, I leave it out on the counter and ask. (Kind of after a family thanksgiving dinner when the hostess can't find anything for weeks.)
Yes, you do need to live your own life. When you're raising kids keeping busy is not a problem, but when the kids are grown and you don't have a husband underfoot, your days can look pretty empty.
Look around and see if you have any friends who are housebound and could use your helping hands. I have a friend who has a daughter with CP and rarely gets out, so I stop by there when I can. Let your DIL miss you!
Find some activities to involve yourself with. Volunteer in the lbrary at the school, the lunchroom, as a reader to primary grades. Do not depend on DIL and family for your entertainment or to make yourself feel useful. There are many things you can do. It sounds as if DIL need space. Give it to her.
And why are you living with them? My marriage, to a very good man ended in divorce because I did not speak up. At least your DIL is telling you something take her cue.
It is sometimes very tough on a wife to has her husband's mom in the same house. She use to it being her house and him being her man.
She's wanting you to have your own life without your life being dependent upon their life. That may be hard to see, but trying viewing things from her shoes.
"My mil is 70. No major health issues, and still drives. She has no stressors or responsibilities what so ever but still chooses to sit in her room all day looking sad and depressed. I have went to her on numerous occasions just to find out what she likes to do so she can have something to do. She did tell me she always liked to sew and wanted to teach others to do so. I supported and encouraged her on this. Days turned to weeks to months and now a year later, I asked her, what was holding up her from her sewing activity and she had no real answer. I am really at my wits end with this woman. I honestly feel like she is just lazy, wants pity and is straight up miserable. I have spoke to my husband about it and his response is, she has to want to do it. That's just it, she needs to want to do it and do it. I am really starting to resent her. Any suggestions??"
So ... help us out here. Who is writing these posts? DIL? MIL? Son, to try to resolve issues between the women he loves?
My MIL was with me a few weeks after my second child was born. He had a birth defect and took a little extra care so I was extremely grateful that MIL was there to help out. And then she started potty training the older child. Oh my goodness! That did NOT please me. That was my job as his mother. I finally had to tell her that I would prefer to take care of that myself in a couple of months. (By the time the second one was ready for potty training I would have accepted help from a stranger wondering in from the street!) We each have our own concepts of what is our honor/responsibility as mothers. I suggest that you try very hard to respect the roles established in that household.
Your DIL is being very clear on what she'd like you to do. She'd like you to find your own life outside of the family, in addition to your presence in the household. And I think that would be a very good idea for your own mental health.
What was your experience raising your children? Did you have an on site mother or mother in law who had to be listened to?
Finally, are you and your daughter in law of different ethnicities? Please let us know the answers, they really matter!
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