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She said she wants me to get my own life and find interests for myself but I feel like I should be involved in their lives and help where I can. Is my DIL being insensitive?
It is difficult for 2 queens to share one kingdom. I come from a Latin background, where multi-generational households are common....but not easy. I do not know of any family with this living arrangement that does not have some level of conflict. Sorry to say, if you all can find a balance where you each have your own identity, and share part of your lives you may be able to make it work in the long run. Examples - A couple should have date night or vacation without feeling they have to invite mom. Mom should have some friends outside the household - activities center, bridge or book club. Mom should never snear or negatively opine on DIL's cooking, child rearing or housekeeping. DIL should also never voice opinions on mom......If you cannot say something nice about the other queen, shush. Couple should not expect an on call babysitter from mom, but you may want to volunteer occasionally, it builds a relationship with the grandkids (if you are able) Financials must be clear and agreed to, nothing tears a family apart more easily than money.
Every family is different these are just my observations.
I have noticed with my DIL she doesn't want any help from me at all. She does a great job with her family but I just wanted to relieve her from some of the responsibilities that comes with taking care of kids and a home. She came right out and told me my help was not needed, and if she needed me she would let me know, which hurt my feelings. I have a hard time not helping but I also have a hard time getting my own life. I feel like the family needs me by dont know how to transition. Should I keep trying to help my DIL or leave her be?
It sounds like she's been very clear with you about what she wants. Honor her wishes. She can speak up if she needs your help.
Why are you living with them to begin with? How old are you? I imagine it's easier to be involved with their lives than find friends or interests on your own. Tell us more about you and we'll give you some good ideas on how to get your own life and interests going again!
Tonnie, you sound like a gem of a person. I'm sure you DIL is also, because she's married to your child. I'm curious how long you all have been living together and how this came to be
Had my MIL live with us for a few years when my kids were little. She helped with the kids, volunteered at the elementary school library, to help while I completed my college degree. She had her own quarters in the basement with a microwave and seldom had dinner with us. She was respectful of our family time together. Had she been in my area of the house all day, it would have driven me nuts! As it was, each morning she would come up to visit for a bit and every freaking morning would ask me what my plans were that day! Even that gets trying if you hear it all the time.
Find some activities to involve yourself with. Volunteer in the lbrary at the school, the lunchroom, as a reader to primary grades. Do not depend on DIL and family for your entertainment or to make yourself feel useful. There are many things you can do. It sounds as if DIL need space. Give it to her.
And why are you living with them? My marriage, to a very good man ended in divorce because I did not speak up. At least your DIL is telling you something take her cue.
Tonnie, when you were raising your family, how would you have felt about your MIL being there every day and every night?
My MIL was with me a few weeks after my second child was born. He had a birth defect and took a little extra care so I was extremely grateful that MIL was there to help out. And then she started potty training the older child. Oh my goodness! That did NOT please me. That was my job as his mother. I finally had to tell her that I would prefer to take care of that myself in a couple of months. (By the time the second one was ready for potty training I would have accepted help from a stranger wondering in from the street!) We each have our own concepts of what is our honor/responsibility as mothers. I suggest that you try very hard to respect the roles established in that household.
Your DIL is being very clear on what she'd like you to do. She'd like you to find your own life outside of the family, in addition to your presence in the household. And I think that would be a very good idea for your own mental health.
Do an experiment just for a few weeks and make yourself real scarce. In other words, be busy and beautiful and I bet they will be looking for you. Try it and let us know what happens.
Your DIL is an angel. Just think of all the SONS...all the DAUGHTERS...who don't want their own PARENTS living with them. Much LESS daughter-in-laws. You are soooo fortunate.
Your social life shouldn't revolve around your son and his family. You really need to cultivate other interests. If you do that, you'll just naturally be involved a bit less in their every-day lives...even if it's just in your conversation.
Get busy, mama! Join a Senior Center. Sign up for a senior water aerobics class. Join a book club. Find a bridge club. Conjur up some old friends and do lunch once a week. Join your local church. Volunteer at your local hospital. I could go on and on...but you get the idea.
Your DIL is filled with awesomeness! Now brag about her, your son and their kids to all your new friends. ;) ;)
Let your DIL be. She's set some boundaries for herself and her family. To keep bringing this up will only hurt your relationship.
It is sometimes very tough on a wife to has her husband's mom in the same house. She use to it being her house and him being her man.
She's wanting you to have your own life without your life being dependent upon their life. That may be hard to see, but trying viewing things from her shoes.
I'm 74 and I live with my daughter's family. (Sold my house last year, trying to save some money.) Her kids are in college or just out of college, so I have my granddaughter's room most of the time. If she's home, either one of us is on the couch or I go to my other daughter's. But...I work full time, and am active in our church, so I'm not home a lot. I do help around the house, load and unload the dishwasher, etc. I suspect that your DIL sees your willingness to help as a criticism of her housekeeping. One thing I try to be careful of with my daughter is to NOT put anything in the kitchen away unless I know where she keeps it; if I'm I'm not totally sure, I leave it out on the counter and ask. (Kind of after a family thanksgiving dinner when the hostess can't find anything for weeks.) Yes, you do need to live your own life. When you're raising kids keeping busy is not a problem, but when the kids are grown and you don't have a husband underfoot, your days can look pretty empty. Look around and see if you have any friends who are housebound and could use your helping hands. I have a friend who has a daughter with CP and rarely gets out, so I stop by there when I can. Let your DIL miss you!
Thank you everyone for your output. I am 70 yrs old and I am living with my son & DIL because I cant afford to live alone. My husband left me 30 yrs ago so I am divorced and have been retired for 7 yrs. I dont have many friends and my four daughters are busy with their own lives and rarely have interaction with me.To be honest, I see my sons family as a way to fill the void but didn't realize how overbearing I was until my daughter told me that she wanted me to back off. I immediately took defensive to her she has been very adamant about what she wants. My son tends to back her without saying a word allowing her run her home exactly the way she wants. She has included me in some of their family gatherings but they spend alot time as a family without me, which hurts. She has even told me to stay out of their business pertaining to their children, religion and discipline. She always encourage me to take care of me and not focus so much on the responsibilities of the house. I am not sure if this is to simply get rid of me or if she cares about my wellbeing.
Do you think that your DIL shouldn't run her home the way she wants? Or be, with her husband, the final arbiter of "what goes" in terms of religion, discipline and childrearing?
What was your experience raising your children? Did you have an on site mother or mother in law who had to be listened to?
Finally, are you and your daughter in law of different ethnicities? Please let us know the answers, they really matter!
"To be honest, I see my sons family as a way to fill the void but didn't realize how overbearing I was until my daughter told me."
Well, now that you do realize it, how are you changing your behavior to correct the situation? Telling us your plan would probably help you develop one.
"She has even told me to stay out of their business pertaining to their children, religion and discipline." Oh my goodness! Were you poking your nose into THAT?! Please, please, back way the heck out of those topics. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Would any of your "busy" daughters let you interfere in those areas of your life? Why should your son?
Good luck in changing some behaviors to keep yourself welcome in this family home.
Tonnie, I'm really confused. I went back to look at your other posts and I see someone posting "my mother in law is 70 and wants to be in our lives all the time" or something to that effect. Are you and your daughter in law posting under the same name? Or are you what we call a troll, someone who makes up posts?
Thanks Babalou for pointing that out. Here's what "Tonnie" posted in July:
"My mil is 70. No major health issues, and still drives. She has no stressors or responsibilities what so ever but still chooses to sit in her room all day looking sad and depressed. I have went to her on numerous occasions just to find out what she likes to do so she can have something to do. She did tell me she always liked to sew and wanted to teach others to do so. I supported and encouraged her on this. Days turned to weeks to months and now a year later, I asked her, what was holding up her from her sewing activity and she had no real answer. I am really at my wits end with this woman. I honestly feel like she is just lazy, wants pity and is straight up miserable. I have spoke to my husband about it and his response is, she has to want to do it. That's just it, she needs to want to do it and do it. I am really starting to resent her. Any suggestions??"
So ... help us out here. Who is writing these posts? DIL? MIL? Son, to try to resolve issues between the women he loves?
Babolou, I was under my DIL account using the home computer. It was her idea for me to use this blog so I could get positive feedback from strangers since she said I wouldn't listen to her. She did tell me that i need ed to make my own account, i just forgot that part..sorry for the confusion. Trust me, this a real situation in our lives and my DIL was not happy that i went under her account log in.
So, Tonnie, until you create your own account, I'd love to hear if, when you were raising your children, your household included your own mother or your mother in law? And was this an easy situation for you? Can you put yourself in your DIL ' S shoes and see how she might be feeling resentful?
Have you ever talked to your doctor about your lack of outside interests and your lack of motivation to have a life aside from that of your son's family? It feels to me like you might be depressed.
This is the real Tonnie, the DIL, I am very sorry for any confusion. I went out of town for a family vacation and came back to find that my MIL had been snooping on my home computer while posting under me. I did tell her about this blog and how great people give great advice and you all have been very helpful and it could help her too. I explained everything to her and she still did what she wanted. So NO this is no joke. I dont know if you remember but I had a follow up post a few weeks ago telling you there will be a division soon. I will let you know when that happens.
Well, TonnieMIL, I guess you've gotten some feedback from strangers and seen that it is just what DIL has been telling you, what are your plans for establishing better harmony in the household? Sounds like the family loves you but also wants you to have your own life. They are your family -- not your entertainment committee and not a means for you to fulfill yourself. Get a life! You'll be glad you did.
I must say that what the MIL did using the DIL's account was rather deceptive, intrusive into her private account and steeling your identity. I would change the password and put it somewhere that she can't find it. I would even go a step futhre to set up the home computer to accessible only to those who have the password..It is possible to do that. When I traveled, I set my laptop to only open with a password.
MIL can get her own computer.
I would find it hard to have such a snoopy, intrusive, boundary breaking person living in my household.
Tonnie and MIL, I've been where Tonnie is, except with my own mom. She was in her early 70's when Dad went into NH and chose to split her time between my sisters home and mine. She made the families her focus, wouldn't check out the local senior centers ( which also provided transportation) and declined invites from her own friends and other family members. Because she had no social life of her own, she expected to be an equal part of ours. My friends became hers and I was expected to take her on every outing and activity. She went into a decline when we did things that didn't include her (even us going out as a couple with other couples). And yes, she weighed in on discipline and cooking and other things. I had to frequent remind her to quit "mothering" me. Then the kids grew, developed their own social lives and she grew more bored and more focused on her daughters to keep her busy. I felt suffocated and resentful.
MIL, you are way too young to give up your chance to have fun with friends, to do volunteer work that brings you a sense of good and hobbies that bring you joy. As you had the freedom to raise your kids your way, to run your home your way, so should your kids. It's reasonable for them to do activities without you, whether as a couple or as a family. My kids get together without their dad and I, my daughters get together without me, I get together with just my daughters, my husband gets together with our son, and no one feels hurt or excluded because we know that those relationships need nurturing too.
I'm sure it's uncomfortable to make that first step into the senior center or volunteering and not knowing anyone. But you need to do this for you and for your family. Embrace that you are still mobile and healthy and can still find joy.
My mother lives with us (dad passed in Feb) and my Aunt comes to visit often, for days .At My Dads service in May many of my cousins told me what a great daughter I am for taking this on.. then proceeded to tell me all the reasons that several of them (7 in all and then spouses) could never take my Aunt on.. House too small, whatever.. But the one that stuck me as TRUE was the cousin who said.. we can take mom but we told her we wont be her entertainment. I acutally admired him for that. It is honest and
OPPS... honest and true. So maybe I will take her on.. she and Mom have a great time together and I am getting used to this. But my Mom does try very hard to help around the house and stay "out of the way" even though we don;t ask her too..
The thing that concerns me, did MIL come from a culture where MIL reigned supreme? So, that's the experience she had as a wife and mom, and now, she's entered a different cultural millieu which is disconcerting. If this is the case, she needs guidance from her community, not shaming. And from the original posts, she does sound depressed.
Have any of you seen the play/movie Marty? Mary's Italian mother fully expects to live with her son for the rest of her days. When Marty beings home a non Italian girl, the girl suggests that the "modern" way is for older people to have their own lives and hobbies. Mary's mama is dubious, to put it mildly.
Cmagnum, dealing with this woman has really showed me what NOT to do with my future DIL. I would never cause the kinds of issues she has and act as if everything is ok, but wonder why no one wants to be around her. She intentionally does things that she knows I dont like just to get a rise from me. Deliberately going under my account shows how vindictive she is but it serves her right because NOW she knows that others are telling her what I have been trying to this whole time. I just dont understand why she keepd trying to help someone who doesn't want her help. I am so over her. She s me insane!
I hope there was nothing private on the home computer that MIL could have snooped into?
Sounds to me like you are possibly dealing with someone who has an undiagnosed personality disorder. It really don't matter which one for boundaries with consequences are the response for either one. Good luck!
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Examples -
A couple should have date night or vacation without feeling they have to invite mom.
Mom should have some friends outside the household - activities center, bridge or book club.
Mom should never snear or negatively opine on DIL's cooking, child rearing or housekeeping. DIL should also never voice opinions on mom......If you cannot say something nice about the other queen, shush.
Couple should not expect an on call babysitter from mom, but you may want to volunteer occasionally, it builds a relationship with the grandkids (if you are able)
Financials must be clear and agreed to, nothing tears a family apart more easily than money.
Every family is different these are just my observations.
care of kids and a home. She came right
out and told me my help was not needed, and if she needed me she would let me know, which hurt my feelings. I have a hard time not helping but I also have a hard time getting my own life. I feel like the family needs me by dont know how to transition. Should I keep trying to help my DIL or leave her be?
Why are you living with them to begin with? How old are you? I imagine it's easier to be involved with their lives than find friends or interests on your own. Tell us more about you and we'll give you some good ideas on how to get your own life and interests going again!
Find some activities to involve yourself with. Volunteer in the lbrary at the school, the lunchroom, as a reader to primary grades. Do not depend on DIL and family for your entertainment or to make yourself feel useful. There are many things you can do. It sounds as if DIL need space. Give it to her.
And why are you living with them? My marriage, to a very good man ended in divorce because I did not speak up. At least your DIL is telling you something take her cue.
My MIL was with me a few weeks after my second child was born. He had a birth defect and took a little extra care so I was extremely grateful that MIL was there to help out. And then she started potty training the older child. Oh my goodness! That did NOT please me. That was my job as his mother. I finally had to tell her that I would prefer to take care of that myself in a couple of months. (By the time the second one was ready for potty training I would have accepted help from a stranger wondering in from the street!) We each have our own concepts of what is our honor/responsibility as mothers. I suggest that you try very hard to respect the roles established in that household.
Your DIL is being very clear on what she'd like you to do. She'd like you to find your own life outside of the family, in addition to your presence in the household. And I think that would be a very good idea for your own mental health.
Your social life shouldn't revolve around your son and his family. You really need to cultivate other interests. If you do that, you'll just naturally be involved a bit less in their every-day lives...even if it's just in your conversation.
Get busy, mama! Join a Senior Center. Sign up for a senior water aerobics class. Join a book club. Find a bridge club. Conjur up some old friends and do lunch once a week. Join your local church. Volunteer at your local hospital. I could go on and on...but you get the idea.
Your DIL is filled with awesomeness! Now brag about her, your son and their kids to all your new friends. ;) ;)
It is sometimes very tough on a wife to has her husband's mom in the same house. She use to it being her house and him being her man.
She's wanting you to have your own life without your life being dependent upon their life. That may be hard to see, but trying viewing things from her shoes.
I suspect that your DIL sees your willingness to help as a criticism of her housekeeping. One thing I try to be careful of with my daughter is to NOT put anything in the kitchen away unless I know where she keeps it; if I'm I'm not totally sure, I leave it out on the counter and ask. (Kind of after a family thanksgiving dinner when the hostess can't find anything for weeks.)
Yes, you do need to live your own life. When you're raising kids keeping busy is not a problem, but when the kids are grown and you don't have a husband underfoot, your days can look pretty empty.
Look around and see if you have any friends who are housebound and could use your helping hands. I have a friend who has a daughter with CP and rarely gets out, so I stop by there when I can. Let your DIL miss you!
dont have many friends and my four
daughters are busy with their own lives and rarely have interaction with me.To be
honest, I see my sons family as a way to
fill the void but didn't realize how overbearing I was until my daughter told me that she wanted me to back off. I
immediately took defensive to her she has been very adamant about what she wants. My son tends to back her without saying a word allowing her run her home exactly the way she wants. She has included me in some of their family gatherings but they spend alot time as a family without me, which hurts. She has even told me to stay out of their business pertaining to their children, religion and discipline. She always encourage me to take care of me and not focus so much on the responsibilities of the house. I am not sure if this is to simply get rid of me or if she cares about my wellbeing.
What was your experience raising your children? Did you have an on site mother or mother in law who had to be listened to?
Finally, are you and your daughter in law of different ethnicities? Please let us know the answers, they really matter!
Well, now that you do realize it, how are you changing your behavior to correct the situation? Telling us your plan would probably help you develop one.
"She has even told me to stay out of their business pertaining to their children, religion and discipline." Oh my goodness! Were you poking your nose into THAT?! Please, please, back way the heck out of those topics. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Would any of your "busy" daughters let you interfere in those areas of your life? Why should your son?
Good luck in changing some behaviors to keep yourself welcome in this family home.
"My mil is 70. No major health issues, and still drives. She has no stressors or responsibilities what so ever but still chooses to sit in her room all day looking sad and depressed. I have went to her on numerous occasions just to find out what she likes to do so she can have something to do. She did tell me she always liked to sew and wanted to teach others to do so. I supported and encouraged her on this. Days turned to weeks to months and now a year later, I asked her, what was holding up her from her sewing activity and she had no real answer. I am really at my wits end with this woman. I honestly feel like she is just lazy, wants pity and is straight up miserable. I have spoke to my husband about it and his response is, she has to want to do it. That's just it, she needs to want to do it and do it. I am really starting to resent her. Any suggestions??"
So ... help us out here. Who is writing these posts? DIL? MIL? Son, to try to resolve issues between the women he loves?
did tell me that i need ed to make my own account, i just forgot that part..sorry for the confusion. Trust me, this a real situation in our lives and my DIL was not happy that i went under her account log in.
Have you ever talked to your doctor about your lack of outside interests and your lack of motivation to have a life aside from that of your son's family? It feels to me like you might be depressed.
MIL can get her own computer.
I would find it hard to have such a snoopy, intrusive, boundary breaking person living in my household.
MIL, you are way too young to give up your chance to have fun with friends, to do volunteer work that brings you a sense of good and hobbies that bring you joy. As you had the freedom to raise your kids your way, to run your home your way, so should your kids. It's reasonable for them to do activities without you, whether as a couple or as a family. My kids get together without their dad and I, my daughters get together without me, I get together with just my daughters, my husband gets together with our son, and no one feels hurt or excluded because we know that those relationships need nurturing too.
I'm sure it's uncomfortable to make that first step into the senior center or volunteering and not knowing anyone. But you need to do this for you and for your family. Embrace that you are still mobile and healthy and can still find joy.
Have any of you seen the play/movie Marty? Mary's Italian mother fully expects to live with her son for the rest of her days. When Marty beings home a non Italian girl, the girl suggests that the "modern" way is for older people to have their own lives and hobbies. Mary's mama is dubious, to put it mildly.
around her. She intentionally does things that she knows I dont like just to get a rise from me. Deliberately going under my account shows how vindictive she is but it serves her right because NOW she knows that others are telling her what I have been trying to this whole time. I just dont understand why she keepd trying to help someone who doesn't want her help. I am so over her. She s me insane!
I hope there was nothing private on the home computer that MIL could have snooped into?
Sounds to me like you are possibly dealing with someone who has an undiagnosed personality disorder. It really don't matter which one for boundaries with consequences are the response for either one. Good luck!