Daughter in law forced to care for grandmother full time. Any advice?
My 20 year old soon-to-be daughter in law is being "asked" (forced) to care for her 81 year old step-grandma. My DIL was laid off due to covid 19 earlier this year so she is staying home fulltime and caring for her 2 year old she shares with my son. Everyone in the family works so they have "elected" her to care for the elderly grandma, with no pay might I add. Grandma can no longer live on her own so the family moved her in to my DIL's parents home. They say it is only for about 60 days. However, we're pretty sure its going to be longer than that since they will have to get the granmother's home sold, which is in another state, get it ready to sell and receive the proceeds to her home before they can pay for home health or move her to assisted living.
As I mentioned, this young lady cares for her 2 year old fulltime and now has to be there all day to care for the grandma, who for example accidentally urinated all over the kitchen floor this morning and the 2 year old slipped and fell in it. So not only did she have to help clean grandma up and clean the kitchen, she then had to bath her son as well and hasn't stopped since 7:30 a.m. Grandma refuses to eat but as soon as DIL cleans up the dishes, she asks her to make tuna salad or something like that. She falls backwards constantly and needs help doing pretty much everything.
The moment DIL goes to sit down or take a shower the Grandma wanders around the house calling out her name. She constantly asks DIL when she can go home and is very agitated all day.
Anyways, I could go on and on but I was hoping for some words of wisdom and how I can encourage her to speak to her family about this. I am not in a position to say anything to her family because I do not feel it is my place. However, I cared for my mom for years and I see how this is not a sustainable situation. The parents just do not realize how difficult this is because they've never had to do it. Their rhetoric is, "oh, it's not that bad, you just have to sit with her and make sure she doesn't fall". Yeah, right...
If so, she’s having to do some kind of weekly filing as to her work status to continue on UI. Doing this caregiver job, and it actually is a job as she “has to” be at a location and be “present” hands-on do it, yada yada (this is a whole other b.s. issue from her family that I’m not even going to get into), AND So even though she’s not being paid, it actually is a violation of UI rules. UI requires that if you take any position which makes you unavailable to take a job (like manana take a job), or return to your old job, that must be reported in the weekly filing and your UI stops.
It does not have to actually be a paid job but can be something that makes you unavailable for work. So like if you volunteer unpaid on a set schedule at a local food bank, that makes you ineligible for UI. But if you on your own whim decide to go volunteer at the food bank on Thursday from 10:23 to noon, it’s not. Being a Caregiver for grannie makes her unavailable. Comprende?
UI has “under penalty of law” statement in the filing too.
So if she’s getting UI, she can use this as a reason why she can’t be drafted Paid or Unpaid to do any of this. Her worthless family would need to pay her at least $2400 a mo in reportable (IRS) taxable income to match what she’ll loose from CARES $. Also if she has Covid young child eligibility stuff, all that will stop as well if she’s taken off of UI. I don’t know what a 2 yr old might be eligible for, but kids from preK - HS whose parents get unemployed due to Covid can get feeding program $ either as a 1 time payment or added to the families SNAP. If she does gran care, that kid $ or benefits too will be taken back.
I’m guessing her family as they think they can force her to do Grannie care, feels that they can get away with all and guiltify her. But she needs to stand up for herself, put on her big mommie size panties & if she can use state UI laws to help, she should do it. You can look on your state UI to see the rules, print them out for her. It’s pretty clear. Role play with her so she can find her voice.
also CARES UI funding right now is phasing out 7/31.
So if she’s getting it, she can use the excuse she can’t do gran care till August 1 as she needs the cares $600 wk. plus whatever she might get from the regular state UI payment and any kid benefits.
Put that Grannie monkey onto her parents & aunts & uncles back.
It’s good you’re there for her, you’ll be a great MIL.
Paying rent? OMG, can she up and leave and move in with you?
This is a lot of responsibility for a 20 yr old. Its like taking care of 2-2 yr olds. Both hard to reason with.
When do she and your son plan to marry? Make sure its made clear to her parents that when that happens, she will no longer be Grandma's caregiver. She will have a place of her own to care for, a 2 yr old and hopefully can get back to work. The woman's family will just need to take family leave to figure something out. All pitch in for at least someone to come in to shower the woman and give DIL time with her 2 yr old. Both need to be getting outside.
Do you possibly have the room for her and her child along with your son? At least until they can get on their own two feet so to speak..
When's the wedding? Does the family know she will be moving out after the wedding?
I got the impression, though, she lives with her parents and being laid off was why she is left with Grandma. It could be she is doing parents a favor?
So, what she needs to do is make everyone aware that if she is called back to work or a job becomes available, then she will not be able to care for granny.
Maybe family dynamics as so bad that you can't.
No offense intended.
AS I ALSO STATED IN MY POST, grandma doesn't have any money until they sell her house. Grandma's husband is in a nursing home in another state in his last days.
I've been a part of this forum for years but I often hesitate to post anything because of people like you. If you don't have any good advice you can keep you unhelpful response to yourself.