My grandpa is 89 years old and is widowed since 2008. His only son (my dad) passed away in 2005. My sister and I are the only immediate family to care for him. However, my sister does not even contact my grandpa or myself to check on his well being. My 23 year old nephew lives with my grandpa and always talks grandpa into giving him money or pay his bills. My grandparents raised him so he knows how to guilt trip grandpa into anything. I am POA but my grandpa has not been deemed incompetent. He is developing memory loss and does not understand how to control money or basic mon thy bills. My grandmother handled all the bills. I have tried over and over again to get grandpa to understand the nephew is draining his bank account. I am lost on what to do. The stress is killing me. I become the enemy when I try to voice my opinion. I don't want to see him lose his 80 acre property because of a thankless brat. This has been going on 7 years since grandmother passed. Any suggestions is greatly appreciated.
In other words, don't be authoritarian with gramps. Manipulate him. Once you have the checkbook, DO pay him for things he does for gramps. If nothing else, he's there during the night in case of emergency. Don't sell his contribution too short. Without him, maybe gramps couldn't continue living there.
(Only kidding, of course, but I did have the thought...where are they when you need them?)
My 46-year-old brother has been mooching off my father for over 20 years. Tens of thousands of dollars, including hocking a favorite classic car, have gone down that sewer, thanks to Dad's feeling of obligation - "he's my son ... he needs the help."
His son did nothing but make poor financial decisions his entire adult life, living beyond his means, and expecting Dad to bail him out every time. And Dad did.
Meanwhile, my husband and I were working steadily, saving, paying rent/mortgages, maintaining cars, and doing everything "right." Never did we burden Dad with our problems, and this was particularly difficult once he moved in with us in 2002.
Dad's Alzheimer's has made it even easier for brother to mooch the past couple of years.
He helped himself to thousands in Dad's money via use of his debit card, which I finally stopped last fall (2014). Dad hadn't been opening his mail, so I asked his permission to do so.
When I saw iTunes, meals out, tech gadgets cell phone service and other bills that did not pertain to Dad, I knew something had to be done. I begged Dad to cut the moocher off.
It continued. Months later, I showed Dad the realtime charges on his online bank account screen. I picked up the phone, dialed the bank and put him on for verification. As DPOA, I then ordered a new card and put a fraud alert on the account.
Of course, the whining white elephant had something to say about it.
On Easter 2015, Dad allowed a check for $7K to go to his son because of an apartment move and his wife had lost her job. I wrote the check and he signed it, because he wanted to give him the money. Just trying to be a good daughter.
Apparently, there was a significant amount of gravy after the move, because brother posted FB pics and vids of a Mazda Miata he’d just bought (a THIRD car!). He also picked up a 60” TV. Might he have considered putting the extra $ in the bank? Helllll, no!
In July, he then asked for $3K to “pay off the car that Dad was insuring so that they could insure it in their name.” The $3K was sent. A month later, I canceled the auto insurance because the car had been sold.
Wouldn’t you know, brother was at Dad’s hospital bedside earlier this month moaning that he needed more $ “because he was desperate.” I’ll bet my next check that he did not use the $3K to buy out that car. Yet he brags on FB about how well he and his wife are doing. On WHOSE dime???? Fraud!
I have had it with this irresponsible jerk. The Bank of Dad is now shuttered for good, and I also brought Dad’s estate attorney up to speed. The temerity is astounding.
Dad’s will bequeaths 50% of whatever is left to each of us. That will be the last of Dad’s earnings this toad will ever see.
I won't bore you with all of the details; we'd be here a week and need quite a few gin martinis (mine).
Suffice it to say that this "born again Christian" is the most hateful, arrogant, judgmental, homophobic racist out there. Anyone who would lay a beat down on his own brother in law (in OUR house) and make "self defense" excuses is beyond reason. He's a 6'4" built-like-a-tree raving bully.
His presence has made my caregiving of Dad a nightmare at times; with nothing positive to say, and quick with a dig on anything he thought I may have done "wrong" or let Dad down somehow. Yet, he didn't want anything to do with the actual legwork involved.
Oh ... the complaints and moans that emanated from his long-suffering throat the WEEK Dad stayed with him in June while we were away! He had to take off from work! He actually had to SUPERVISE his father (hello, what part of "Dad can't stay alone" is not registering with you, toots?).
What does he think *I'D* been doing for almost two years? Guy's a peach, I'll tell ya.
So the mooching part is just a piece of that maladjusted puzzle. I can't change his sick and codependent relationship with my father, but I can make my own journey what I need it to be—no more contact, PERIOD—even if it means visiting Dad less frequently.
Yes, it's that bad.
I am a tad confused. Is your dad living in his own home? Is brother in the home, too?
Are you close by?
Have you spoken to a lawyer?
Can you time visits so that brother is not there?
At that point, he'd been supporting his son for decades. I tried to keep a hands-off (don't ask/don't tell) stance, because it was beyond infuriating—seeing all that money go out the door, of Dad's own free will.
How much anguish my brother's drama provoked in Dad is a crying shame. Of course, having Dad with us ensured that it spilled into our home. I was close by, all right—too darn close.
Last week, when a family member made me aware that Dad was still being haggled for money at the hospital, I called his estate lawyer. I made it clear that this pilfering had been going on for years, but now that Dad's cognitive function has been compromised thanks to the Alzheimer's, he doesn't recall just how much he's given over time. Preying on Dad at this point is downright cruel. The attorney supported my intentions to shut that faucet under those circumstances.
For a period of time, Dad did contribute to our household expenses via a modest check each month. Those dried up after a few years, as he began to allocate more toward the whiner. My husband and I didn't say anything, though we definitely felt slighted. After all, we were paying the mortgage and all the bills.
Now, Dad is in hospice about 20 miles away.
Big Hug!
All I know is that I've always done right by my dad. Should brother try to legally stiff-arm me into anything, it would of course be fruitless. He's been a chronic moocher, and obviously devoid of ethics. For all his Bible-thumping, it's just a tad ironic that he's conveniently glossed over "Honor thy father and mother" and "Thou shalt not covet."
Not my circus, not my monkeys.
Too much to explain here; but once in making his two petulant and vitriolic posts to the group, he announced his withdrawal from said group. His name disappeared from the members list. So did his wife's.
I deleted the posts, thinking "he is POISON", and promptly blocked him. My husband blocked his cell phone from both of ours. We also blocked his wife, fellow guzzler of self-righteous Kool-Aid. We're well rid of them both.
This was mid-July. We haven't been in contact since, and I intend for it to remain that way. Dad has since progressed from living with us, to hospitalization, and now hospice.
My only suggestion is to involve the authorities; at least alert them to what is going on and ask "what can be done to protect your grandfather from further exploitation".
The county Office on Aging might have resources available to caring POAs like yourself. Now that there are memory issues, his "competence" may be called into question.