After seven years of challenging but fulfilling caregiving for my dad, he made a peaceful transition three months ago. I prepared for this. However, what has me in shock is the insensitive and cruel reactions of some friends. I haven't seen my so called best friend in the three months since he died. I'm only child and mom went first but few understand that. Many people avoid me now and my boyfriend hung up on me three days before Christmas and we haven't spoken since. I've tried to have little to no expectations but I feel very angry and shocked by some of this. I have a good life in many ways, I work on myself and feel I'm more than a label... More than an adult orphan. Hard to get thru grief when I feel like I'm losing more friends and the pain isn't understood. I was raised to have manners and say " I'm sorry for your loss." Some can't even muster that. Going to try a grief support group but nothing right now and it hurts sooo bad!!!!
Yes, I'd agree that you would expect your best friend and your boyfriend to be the most understanding of your feelings. Or at least the most interested in trying to understand them. So what's going on? Is the lack of contact with your best friend mainly your doing, or hers/his, or a bit of both? How were things going with your BF before that abrupt rift?
It sounds as though there is some sort of "Do Not Disturb" sign hanging round your neck. How it got there, quite possibly without your even being aware of it..?Maybe if we can think about that question, the answers to it might show a way forward?
And without you noticing how little you were part of it. Now you have all this unoccupied time and you feel abandoned. But in reality, the rest of the people in your live haven't changed at all. They are living as they always have. You are the one who's different. Yes they should have said, "I'm sorry for your loss". When it happened. Not every time they talk to you now. It's been three months, and while you are still grieving, you can't expect others to continue to act like it just happened. Nor expect them to suddenly move in and fill all the empty space in your life. And if that is what you expect, they people may actually be avoiding you. But I get the feeling that they are only going about life as usual. In the past you would have been way too busy for them. Now you have all t his time and it feels like avoidance. It's just MHO but you really might benefit from some counseling. You're impulse to attend that support group is a good one. Follow it.
Back a century or so there were expectations that were well understood by society. I was surprised to learn that the black arm band and other markings of mourning was not really a sign of respect for the deceased, but a signal to others that this person was fragile emotionally, and needed to be treated gently.
We don't have such well-defined expectations today, which is a good thing in many ways, but it also means we don't quite know what our roles should be relating to someone who has recently lost a loved one.
I can't imagine why your boyfriend hung up on you. Perhaps your grief-driven behavior was strange and upsetting to him, and he never really learned what to expect and how to relate to it. (Or maybe he is a jerk and doesn't really deserve you. I don't know him.)
Try not to hold what you perceive as "abandonment" against your friends. When you are ready, reach out to them and re-establish social relationships.
You will never stop missing your dad, but the pain will become a less central part of your life. Give yourself time to heal. Get help from a grief support group and/or a personal counsellor if you need help dealing with the pain. You deserve to find peace, and to be ready to resume your social life.
Love the people who treat you right!
Forget about the others!
Believe everything happens for a reason!
I know the feeling also:0(
Hang in there, be strong,make new friends, build a new life, life is wonderful.
XO
Speaking for myself, only, I regret the loss of formal ritual. In the case of mourning, we need that schedule laid out for us that says: "don't expect to feel better for at least a week, then a month, then a year. After that, we'll see." I do feel it's one of the babies that got thrown out with the bathwater.
I'm so sorry. Your suffered a big loss and your life has suddenly changed but those closest to you don't know how to react. A counselor / therapist will be able to help you through your grief and examine what is happening in your relationships. Your boyfriend hung up on you but you don't explain what preceded that so it's hard to see what's going on.
GayleV's thoughts are similar to mine. Perhaps your best friend no longer feels close to you. Or perhaps she has no idea what you need right now. I urge you to join the support group soon and start therapy to work through where your life is going now. You need to connect to others who understand.
I can't explain what happens when you are a caregiver or there is a family loss like this but I know there isn't much you can do about it because I have tried everything. My dad is still living but went through medical "hell" recently & is declining in ill-health. I had very few people in my life because of a small family & have lost most of them due to no fault of my own. My ex-husband has a 101 yr. old mother & he is an only child. He will not face her mortality or his own & it is affecting my survival, my sons survival & his mother's care.
People need to face that at some age they will die & make preparations. I believe that is all you are facing. As for support groups I don't know. It will depend on the groups available & the ppl in them. I would say take care of yourself.
This too shall pass.
If I could lose the only son I was a single mom for because my parents got alzheimer's & needed me - then one died - he talks to us even less now because she died then who knows why anything happens. I still would love to know but his new wife & her family scare me so much that I am glad I am not speaking with him. The wedding was unpleasant as were it's preparations.
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