How does everyone deal with the depression and loosing your freedom?

Sue, thank you for sharing. Whenever I have posted here, I struggle to put into words what I am thinking. But, you said it so well.
My dad passed a few years ago and mom was able to enjoy all of one year before her mental decline started. After 4 years of trying to make it possible for her to remain in the old family home, and much sacrifice on my part, she is now settled into a really fine assisted living, doing well, very stable physically and mentally. It seems like since the move, mom's decline stalled out, which is great, but at the same time makes me wonder and fret over how the next few years will go. Since the move last year, my own health has been a shambles. I swear I aged 10 years for each actual year that I juggled mom's life. It seems my own got put on hold..but I feel like I've never been able to "catch up" to where I left off.

Joann, Harpcat and Sue: Thank you for telling the unvarnished truth. It's your truth -- not necessarily everyone else's. But I have always felt that if you can't channel Pollyanna, you can't. No shame in it. (((hugs)))

SueC1957 thanks for your thoughts. I agree with you totally. I started helping take care of my mother when she was 90. She dis nothing after my father died except exist from one birthday to the next. She died at 97. I would want to scream when people would say how "wonderful it is" for her to live so long. After she died, we finally got to enjoy our retirement for a couple of years. Now my mother-in-law (97) has broken her hip and is in a wheelchair in the nursing home, confused most of the time, unhappy with her circumstances, wanting us there with her all the time. She has outlived her only daughter and is probably going to outlive her sons as well. And money goes out very fast at $6000 a month. Praying she will die before we get involved in the Medicaid nightmare. Know that is terrible, but that's the way I feel. Personally, I think lots of people agree with me, but won't admit it.

SueC1957. You have written aloud what many of us think. When my dad says he wished he could just "go"...I just say "I know honey. I understand". And I do! I agree...our better health care and nutrition has made the body outlive the brain. When my mom got brain cancer at 64, she said to me, "at least I won't become senile like my parents". She died 4 months later. When I hear a news report saying we could live into our 100's because of this new thing...I shudder and ask who cares!! And then say, we better hope our money lasts that long.

SueC1957. Cheers! Couldn't agree more

Joann,
I, too, have prayed for my mother to pass away. Do I feel guilty? A little. She is 94 yrs. old, stage 6 Alzheimer's disease and is miserable with life in a memory care facility. She has had daily headaches since the Alzheimer's became apparent about 6 years ago. No medication has helped and the doctors (even brain surgeons) can't find any reason for the headaches. She has been a hypochondriac all her life and would frequently be deathly ill from a hangnail or pimple.

She has started to say she wishes she would die (multiple times per hour!). My mother would have never spoken about death before this. She truly seems miserable and there is nothing I can do to change her situation. She is on an antidepressant and an anti-anxiety medication but she is still depressed. I have also noticed a downward spiral in her health in the last year, (much more hard of hearing, much more wobbly and falling more, more frequently incontinent, more memory loss, etc.). I can't blame her for wanting to die. But I only share my feeling of wanting God to take her with a friend who is also a caregiver. Everyone else is appalled that someone could say that about their own mother. My girlfriend and I allow ourselves to utter the bitter truth-that our mothers have come to the end of their journey but aren't dying yet.

Last summer I had an unexpected 3 month episode of high anxiety/depression when mother wasn't doing well and other family members had problems also. I went to a therapist, but she only had room in her schedule to see me once! She referred me to a psychiatrist, who immediately put me on some psych medication that turned me into a zombie. No thanks-I'd rather "feel" my feelings than not be in touch with them at all. I stopped taking them after 3 days. Then I saw another therapist who was just about deaf. I didn't feel comfortable screaming through my sessions. When she told me to tell my hubby "Tough Sh*t" about a problem we were having with our truck, that was the last straw. Oh well, patient, heal thy self. I started praying and using positive thinking and the anxiety and depression only lasted a bit longer.

Lately, I'm having a hard time watching mom's further decline. In my brain I'm screaming, "God, how much longer must she suffer? Why can't You take her now and avoid the pain for both of us?" I have to answer her statement of, "I just want to die." with, "God's not ready for you yet."

Today I took her to get the cast off her healing broken wrist (from falling) and a doctor's visit. After 5 hours, I was exhausted. Doctor said that she should be in a wheelchair now since she's falling fairly frequently. It's a double edged sword. If she stays in the w/c, her muscles will weaken/atrophy and she will be more susceptible to pneumonia and blood clots but she won't be breaking bones. Conversely, if she continues walking with the walker (that she doesn't navigate well), she will continue falling and sooner or later, break some big bone and land in the hospital then rehab, with the toll it takes. You just wonder why this has to continue.

I've had to quit my 3 day a week job and take a much more strenuous full time job to help her with the increasing costs of her care. The more she declines, the more care she needs and the more it costs. She had a raise already and it's more than what she brings in from S.S. Now in a w/c, the cost will go up again. I'm frustrated that a good portion of my pay will be going to her care, not that I begrudge her, but hubby and I have 2 kids in college and mounting debt.

Praying, deep breathing, relaxation exercises, looking forward to the future (retiring in 4 years), limiting our visits with mom, a healthy glass of red wine and playing with our dogs are how I try to cope. It will be good for all of us when it's all over.

We are not meant to live so long. We are the first generation with this longevity where the body is outlasting the brain. I sometimes think that the new medicines and technologies have not been a blessing but a curse for the aged. What good is quantity without quality?

My motto, Eat all the fat, salt, sugar and wine that you desire. Live it up now and die 10 years younger than you normally would (without dementia). Good! Then I won't be a burden to my son and he won't have to see me loose my marbles and be responsible for a wack-a-doodle mom. What good are those 10 years if you don't have your mind?

I've had trouble from the very beginning with the loss of my personal freedom. It gets worse in the summer because I hate the summers here (Florida) but my mother is totally settled here and won't live anywhere else. At this point, most of the day to day care for my mother is done by someone else, her live-in person. But I still need to be around to take my mother to drs appointments or errands at least once or twice a week. It's not a huge amount of time but it's enough to keep me from making any other plans for myself.

I tried to do whatever I can do to make myself happier being stuck in a place not of my choice. Right now I am taking a computer course at a local college, online. Over the winter I took a part time job working for a nonprofit that does taxes for free for low income families and seniors. That was very rewarding, a lot of fun.

I still find it very difficult. Tomorrow we're getting together for my mother's birthday (86) and it's hard for me to fake the emotional connection with her now. I wish that she had chosen to do things very differently - that she had done made more of an effort to manage her own needs and had waited until much later to start tapping into her adult children as resources for her daily life. I wish that she also wished that she had done things differently. I'm not a sentimental person by nature, and the fact that she's my mother doesn't make me love her or want to take care of her. It doesn't stop me from resenting her and wishing to be done with this at the earliest possible moment.

I have been caring for my Mother-in-law, age 88.
Recently I was able to have a 2 day respite of going to the beach to visit my sister. The time away wasn't long enough. About the time I was starting to enjoy and unwind it was time to come home. You need to take time for yourself. Remember when you dreamed about taking time away from home. Caregivers need to think forward and try to plan getaways respites for themselves to stave off depression. Looking forward helps one to focus on decompressing and maintaining some type of freedom in your life even when the time is short. Hang in there good thing come to those who wait. Sometimes the wait is long.

If I had severe shoulder pain that kept me from doing things I wanted/needed to do, I would take two approaches: I would seek medical treatment to reduce/eliminate the pain and I would find ways of moving, sleeping, etc that would cause the least pain. I would start with the medical treatment -- that would make the changes to my behavior more effective and perhaps easier.

I think depression should be approached the same way. 1) get medical help (typically a medication) and 2) learn things to do that will make you feel less bad.

Many people on this thread have suggested antidepressants. From my own experience and from observing others, I concur. And I think this should happen first. Whether depression is the result of a physical change (childbirth, a blow to the head, heart surgery) or is situational (a bad patch in a marriage, loss of a job, etc.), when clinical depression takes hold there is a chemical imbalance in the body. Fortunately in almost all cases this responds to medicine. (Make take trying more than one, and the results aren't instant, but the odds are on your side.)

And then also find ways to give yourself some joy. This is usually not enough by itself to cure depression, but it is an important part of the treatment. Other people in this post have made suggestions along these lines. Find what works for you. This might include talking to a therapist, getting help with tasks that are difficult, counting your blessings, clearing up some clutter, going for walks, or taking bubble baths. Note that depression isn't your fault. You aren't depressed because you are thinking the wrong thoughts or omitted to do something you should do, etc. I'm not saying that you should stop behaving incorrectly. Just that you can learn ways of behaving that will help you feel better.

Just like having severe should pain: First, seek medical attention for the medical problem. Also, find ways of lessening the pain yourself.

Come back and let us know how you are doing!

Cr0105. You are so right I don't think our grand parents lived as long . So ya here we are. My moms parents died of cancer and heart disease. 80 and 82. Still completely aware of everything.

NicoleAne. You are an inspiration for me. My moms not critical of me or my husband. I'm just burned out ( 70 's term). From her being here 24 hours a day. God Bess you and good luck.

NicoleAnn, good for you!! We only live one life.

Chances are, your mother was not in this position with her own mother. This is something that "our gen" has had thrust upon us, with no warning and no lessons.

I have suffered from depression and suicidal thoughts in the past. This year, those feelings became worse. My mother has lived with me and my husband for close to two years. (That doesn't count five years of going to her home twice a week and working like a slave.) I have done everything I can for my mother in the past and it has never been enough. In May, I spent 2-3 long days in deep thought after realizing my suicidal thoughts were back and how I should handle the current situation with mom. I am already on a "heavy" dose of antidepressants, and now an aid to help me sleep. I finally decided the best thing for ME is to move my mother out of here. She is negative, critical of every move I make, accuses my husband of many things that are not true in any way and expects the impossible from me. All if this while my two brothers are perfect in her eyes, yet they help very little with caregiving. I love my mother, but do not feel badly at all about my decision. I want my life back and my freedom. She will be out of here before the end of the summer.

Dear 71. Can you hire help? Why does your husband have to visit you? If mom has some money or assists think about using them. It's her money use it for her care. There is no prize at the end by trying to be a good girl and save it. Today is my 59th b-day, and after 3 years of trying to keep my dad and moms life going the same(dad passed a year ago) scrubbing floors, poop off toilets grocery shopping giving care givers breaks,hair apps,doc appt,cutting grass......leaving my job to help. I am starting to check into placing my mom. I will look for a nice place, and still keep my regular schedule with her. Please rethink your situation and get the help you need. Your still a great daughter.

To sweetaxon, I can identify with you completely. I am 72. Helped take care of my mother at home like you are doing for 8 years. She died two years ago at 97. Now my mother in law, also 97 broke her hip 9 months ago. She is in nursing home, but is not happy and we have to go every day to check on her. She has dementia, can't walk and tries to get out of her wheelchair and bed. Does not get along with the other residents. Thinks we should stay with all the time. As for not wanting someone to die, well, I felt bad, but I prayed for my mother to die. And I am praying for the Lord to take my mother in law. She is always saying she wants to die. We are Christian's and heaven is way better than the life she has here. I admit to being selfish. I would like a few happy retirement years with my husband.

To those who have shared and are taking care
Of your parents or any elderly people , in my religious beliefs , we offer our works And sacrifices To God our daily works.
whenever you do something good for others,
It makes you a more holy person especially if you accept it with love.
And if someone hurts you by words and you just control by not answering back,and you offer instead this gesture to God .
All your deeds are inspiring and hoping someone will volunteer to help those
Who take care of their parents or aunts and uncle or the elderly even for a short while so you can have a little time for yourself. (For devoted1 ,please pray ,God will help-He loves us all)

I also feel terrible because I feel like I have lost my freedom. I am 70 taking care of my 98 year old mother. She can bearly walk, feed herself. I have to take care of her toilet cleaning. I can't take a bubble bath because she may need something. She doesn't sleep a lot at night but naps during the day. I hate watching her waste away. Don't want her to die but she has no quality of life. I pray a lot and believe God has a plan. Praying for everyone on this site.

Reading through the previous posts is like a good therapy session. It helps so much to know I'm not alone. Thank you to all the caregivers who take time to lift the rest of us with encouragement and helpful advice.

Don't know I read through others answers cuz when I post there are some mean girls out there that bully me my life was already had and noe with my mom here everything is falling apart

I've had depression all my life, but I "outran it" until I turned 40 and a lot of bad stuff happened at once....antidepressants and antianxiety meds have kept me pretty level for the last 20 years. I was off the antidepressants for several years, but 2 major back surgeries and early "retirement" made me have to go back on them.

Dealing with my mother is my biggest "trigger" into spiraling depression. I simply cannot spend much time with her. She has dementia and is completely self absorbed, so she really doesn't notice that I'm not the one helping her--but out of the 5 of us remaining sibs, she only gets help from the brother she lives with. I truly think she will outlive him. The other 3 are MIA.
Don't be ashamed of the depression. It's normal when you've run out of love, compassion, steam, zest for life..whatever. Do take steps to alleviate it. I also see a therapist on a regular basis. I can really let it out there---since I have almost zero support in my life, and cannot, no matter how I try, seem to create a "support network" on my own. I just pay my therapist.
Oh, and how do I deal? Frankly, not that well.

First and foremost - don't feel guilty. Not now, not ever, not about depression.

I don't feel depression but I do get some despair and a lot of fatigue. I am in my position willingly, it was not thrust upon me. I think this makes a difference.

I use my computer and tablets to escape while Ray sleeps/naps. It helps me to occupy my mind. I was advised to learn to sleep when he does but thankfully I don't need that much sleep yet.

Don't worry about trying to answer every reply - if something helps, just say thank you. If you really want to reach out, click on the person's name and you can give them a hug and/or a comment. Free.

Thankfully on the days I might feel overburdened, I remember that Ray doesn't want things to be this way either. I try to give him the illusion of independence and I try to force him to make at least the simple decisions. If you try putting yourself into the patient's shoes, it really brings things to the front again.

I can't even imagine how he can't remember where the bathroom is, we've lived here 29 years already. I promise I haven't moved it :)

I see it is your Mother and she is paralyzed.  I am sorry - because of a neighbor going through this with her DH, I can understand some of what you are dealing with.    My neighbor is on Zoloft and she said it helped to keep her from being angry all the time.  It is an option to help steady your nerves.

Ray is still ambulatory, but he wobbles and has fallen a lot. 

I know exactly what you mean!!! My
mother had her stroke at 59, she could live another 20-30 years. And it's all on me. IT being her finances, her heath decisions, apparently searching every d*mn store for the correct sports bra and then getting it in a unique color so the NH will not lose it...ahhh!! I thought moving her the a NH would help, but the NH counts on me for everything!!! Oh my heavens!! When will I get my life back?? Skinny Girl wine does help. And venting here is great too!!

I think we've all felt this way. Life passes you by, loss of income, loss of socialization and loss of just taking care of yourself! I love my Mom but I still have things I would like to do before I get to old to do it!

It won't last forever, I keep telling myself. I have given up on help from my sister, it's on her terms, and she can't get out of bed early so I can do art/craft show setups. I do the ones I can. Friends offer to help and I did have one come over when I had to go to the vet in an emergency. I am grateful mom is as good as she is; I just feel putting in a nursing home would be a miserable existence. Don't know if this will continue as she declines; you just do the best you can do. I will know when I can't do it anymore and I will not feel guilty. My grandparents and father died in a hospital, nobody in the family has even been a caregiver. Even on a good day it is stressful. I do have an aide that comes 48 hours a month through Council on Aging Consumer Driven Care, but they don't work on weekends.

I see a therapist.

Exhausted 71 Thankyou very much for bringing this topic up. To me it seems so many live in denial/dream caring for their loved ones and not caring for themselves. Thankyou for validating the feelings of many.

I too, am new to this caregiving gig in the sense that it just recently became official. But I've been 'taking care of mom' for over 5 years. I used to work outside the home, I used to feel like a normal adult. Now, I'm trapped in a poverty spiral. We often can't pay all the bills, we have to "make due" with peanut butter sandwiches. I feel like I'm losing everything.

My mother in law is in a nursing home. She is 97 and was living alone a year ago. Her mind was getting bad and she was afraid staying alone at night and needed help during the day. We tried at home help, but she did not like any of the helpers and as soon as we would get one, she would decide she did not need them. Instead she was calling us all the time as well as her friends to do everything for her. She went to assisted living and was doing well, but after two months she broke her hip because she would not use her walker like she should have. She has been in a nursing home now for about 8 months. Her dementia got worse after the hip surgery. She refused to do therapy and now cannot walk. She is unhappy with the nursing home because she wants to have her way about everything. My husband goes to see her every day because we live only 10 miles away. I go with him most of the time, but I don't think we need to go every day so I don't. Her other son lives in the same town and stops by every day. She is not friendly with the other residents and her friends are all either dead or too old to visit her. I used to take her places when she was in the assisted living facility, but since she can't walk, we have not taken her out of the nursing home. My husband had surgery for an aortic aneurysm a year ago and he is not supposed to lift more than 50 pounds. She is a dead weight when moving her into or out of a vehicle, getting her into a wheel chair, etc. I am not able to help her should she need to use the bathroom while away from the nursing home. I have RA, plus I am not strong enough to deal with helping her up and down. I feel really guilty that she is so unhappy, but honestly I think we are doing the best we can and going to see her every day. We would like to be able to take some trips while we are still able (we are 72) but my husband seems to think we can't leave for more than a day or so. She is not sick. I feel guilty because I am so tired of having my life revolve around her. We have been looking after her since her husband died 7 years ago. By this I mean taking her to doctor appointments, keeping up her property, looking after all her business, etc. I also helped look after my own mother for 8 years staying at night with her several. Ights a week and taking turns with my sisters caring for her full time. Just ready for relief. I can feel for everyone who is writing in. I know I am depressed, but don't want to take antidepressants. I don't drink alcohol and don't want to. I have found that caffeine puts me in a good mood and also intake a low dose of Xanax every night. It helps me sleep and I can better face going to the nursing home so much. I know time will change the situation, but when? I feel like she is going to outlive us! Oh, and I get so tired of everyone saying how wonderful it is for her to be going on 98 and how lucky we are. Like someone else said, if you haven't done this, you don't know what it's like!

I dealt with it by having a plan for the rest of my life. Every evening I spent the quiet time doing research and making the plan better.

When I got an afternoon I would spend it doing whatever I could toward that plan. I laid out specific steps and goals, and I never stopped working toward the next goal on that list.

My parents both passed during this last year. Mom died last month. Now it is full steam ahead on my plan. Without that plan, I will be lost at this point. It served a dual purpose..kept me sane and grounded during the years as a caregiver...and is my motivation and purpose now that I am just a single woman again

When I went through a particularly bad time with my dad after a surgery and hospitalization for him, I became physically and mentally spent. My sister who is my support but lives in another state was good at helping me set boundaries. She made me promise to do one thing per day that would bring me joy because I felt like I'd had the joy sucked out of life. When you get depressed, it can become a downward spiral. Finally I realized I couldn't handle it alone and found a therapist to talk to. What was so good about this is she was non judgmental, objective and didn't mind me spilling my guts and would listen. You just can not get that from anyone close to you. She told me it was a safe place to come and just let it out. You sometimes can not battle that feeling of depression by yourself. I did get a Rx for an antidepressant, and I filled it, but so far I've come out of it and haven't needed to take it. I also used my dad's money to pay for the copayment. It was the least I felt he could do. Anyway, please know you may need to look for ways to get Day or night help...sleep is critical as is getting out of the house. And consider talk therapy with a professional. We are here for you too.