How can I deal with my Father's aggressive behavior toward my husband and myself?
He's nicer with my younger brother and his daughter-in-law. It seems since my brother got married in 2012, and having his own daughter, who is now 1 year old, that my father has been rude, crude and saying things to my husband ( 19 years together) and myself. Recently, my father has added the blame game with my husband and I. He added my mother to this blame game. He had my mother tell me on the phone yesterday, that we had stolen his black radio that he supposedly left on his chair next to his side of the bed. Not only did he accuse us of taking it, but also my mother said this, too. She doesn't have Alzheimer's Disease, dad does. He was diagnosed with moderate Alzheimer's' back in April of this year. But, he also has anger issues, too. He's never been able to control his anger ever since he was a young man. So, this is a factor, too. My husband and I had house sat for them from June the 10th to Sunday, June the 14th. We have 4 radios of our own, which we hardly ever use. We don't need another one. We didn't like being accused of something that we didn't take. And, we didn't see the black radio on his chair, we saw the silver one that shows the time. Even still, we were blamed by my mother who I love so very much. She is very normal and doesn't have anger problems or has dementia problems at all. She was just retired two years ago from being self-employed as a psychotherapist. So, she is smart and intelligent. There is a possibility that she could have dementia in her future, because of her father having Alzheimer's Disease. I think her younger brother is having problems in the finances part of his brain.
The alternative thought, "I've lost another possession. My memory is fading and my mind isn't working right," is too painful to accept. So, someone took the missing item. Your father's behavior is quite common.
What is driving your mother is more puzzling. Is she in denial about Dad's dementia? Was she perhaps talking in front of him to assure him that she is trying to help him? Can you talk to her privately to discuss what is going on?
I know this is extremely hard, but try not to take Dad's accusation personally. It is damage in his brain that is causing this, and it no doubt isn't helping that he has anger issues on top of dementia. Try to sympathize without falsely admitting guilt. "Oh Dad, it is certainly distressing to hear that your black radio isn't were you expect it to be. I'll double-check to make sure it didn't somehow get mixed up in our luggage, but I don't even remember seeing it. I remember seeing a silver radio there, with a clock. Is that one where it should be? I'll look for it but if it is not here then can I come over and help you look for the black one? We have four radios and hardly listen to them, and we could loan you one of ours until your black on shows up."
Be sympathetic, offer to help, and don't argue. What he says is his reality of the moment and you are very unlikely to be able to reason him out of it.
As to why he picks on you and not his son, that is usually a great mystery, but it, too is not uncommon in dementia.
I'm really curious about your mother. If you gain any insights into that, I hope you will share. We learn from each other.
Your husband, on the other hand, has no obligation to decide to accept abusive treatment. Nor do you. If it were only the dementia at work here I would urge you to take a compassionate approach and not to take your father's abuse personally. I guess I still would like to see you compassionate and also not to be crushed by his behavior, but I also think you need to protect yourselves. I agree about not house-sitting for them.
"Mom, we've decided we won't be able to watch your house for you. I know that Daddy has dementia and his memory and his judgement aren't always under his control, but we don't want to provide any possibility that the two of you can think we would ever steal from you. It hurts us that you could think that, so we'll just stay out of your house while you are gone."
https://www.agingcare.com/Alzheimers-Dementia
However it sounds like whatever you give to them at the same time takes away from your marriage. You are putting your husband in the position of second-class citizen.
Perhaps it's time to respectfully disengage from your parents. Blessings and best wishes to you in this struggle.
Ultimately, it doesn't matter other than make it harder to tell when they are declining. Their normal baseline is not "normal" to start with, so it's really easy to miss signs and signals of change. And don't drag around guilt over it.
Dementia will make his regular personality more pronounced and extreme. My mom could no longer control her paranoia and distrust at all. Usually she felt that way but could keep a lid on it around other people.
It's time to start planning what will happen when it's not safe for mom to be with him anymore. There will come a point where dad might need medication and more help than mom can safely provide. Combative dementia patients can be very strong and very aggressive, and it doesn't matter if you are the wife or family they've known forever.
You said it. "He's definitely not being rational at all." People with dementia lose the ability to be rational. If you start reading these posts you will see example after example of irrational behavior. I don't think you are in denial about the dementia but I don't think you understand what dementia is or what it means. It is NOT simply about forgetfulness. It effects all aspects of life.
Getting into a shouting match with someone who does not have the ability to reason is just pointless.
(Please do not take this as criticism. I remember how I was in the beginning of my husband's dementia. None of us is born knowing what to do, and the learning curve can be awfully steep.)
I suggest that if your husband does not wish to go to your parents' home under the circumstances that you support him and celebrate his birthday privately.
If he is willing to downplay the accusations and attend, I suggest you keep the visit short and not get drawn into any controversial topics.
And start reading up on dementia. It will help you take these irrational behaviors less personally. This is Not Your Fault, and it is Not Your Husband's Fault. But it is not within your father's control, either.