How to deal with grocery shopping issues?
I haven't posted in a while because some people had been saying that I was "looking for sympathy"; but I don't have anywhere else to post for advice. I do the grocery shopping; a day or two in advance, we discuss the menu for the week and what is needed (including brand names, sizes, etc.). On the day of the trip, we finalize the list and add anything we may have forgotten about. Then, because I don't drive, I usually take a taxi to the store, which is at a mall about 12 blocks away. Sometimes I may go in the mall to buy something personal, visit the ATM, etc. During the actual trip in the market, Aunty will call me several different times to add things to the list, remind me to get Brand X products, and finally, to ask what's taking me so long. When I get home, she asks to see what I bought, then complains about what I was unable to find ("I've been going to that market for years and I know that they sell it") or if I bought Brand W because our usual brand was unavailable. Occasionally I will actually overlook an item on the list because I'm rushing to get back home. How should I handle this problem?
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Mom would really prefer that I make a menu a week a head but I just can't do it...it is not my style but also making the list and then keeping to it is a real problem too. (not a restaurant). I guess she always wants to know what is for dinner because that is a highlight....shopping is the same way...
I haven't found a way to convince, persuade, or in any way cause the senior to change their ways about anything. There really is no incentive for them to change and they may have a point.
For me, the only thing that works is action. Just do what you are going to do and turn off the complaints. It's doubtful your efforts to satisfy her will work. I don't think she's trying to be difficult, but that's just how people are and when you are in your 70's, why change?
I think I would inform her very nicely that my phone doesn't work well anymore and I can't take calls on it when I leave the house. If there is an emergency while you are gone, she should call 911 or a designated person. Then, I wouldn't take her calls or concern myself with any changes or messages from her during that time.. I would buy the items on the list and if she complains, ignore and go about your business. I might even tell her they don't sell that anymore. You'll have to adjust. I'd be nice, but I wouldn't let it fret me. She'll be fine.
I do agree with some posters upthread who say to treat her. I would try to bring her a nice treat each time. Even if it's something small such as a piece of fruit, ice cream, or candy. I'd try to do something special just to make her feel special. It probably won't stop her complaining though. lol
It's not seen as a social problem that needs a more humane social response. The patient has to fit into the care mold still, but it's better than it was a few decades ago where dementia sufferers were locked up with the insane and chained to their chairs, left in hallways to scream at their demons.
I don't know of any villages that are up & running in the US. The architects who built Hogewey in the Netherlands submitted a proposal to a city in California in 2014.
The group dementia home idea is more available than a planned village. What we pay for my mom's care now could get her into that $7K/month Dutch dementia village.
Mom has gotten more humane person-centered treatment by going on hospice than before. Once you get a diagnosis, you stop being a person and are only the patient in a lot of ways. I believe this is behind a lot of the decision to do home-based care - to humanize the care.
My mom's residence does a lot to simulate home, but it's the same for everyone there. They don't have different environments to mimic what the person was used to. Staff wear scrubs. Everybody eats the same food. It is a great place, but it is not a dementia village.
But rather than reminiscing, what I meant to say was that I'd be surprised if there aren't US service providers who are equally ahead of the curve. Who are the leading organisations? - it would be worth raising their profile to make the rest catch up a bit.
I really wish there was a fake "store" in the retirement campus. Not the gift shop, but a very realistic fake store with a checkout and everything. Mom could have gone down there and shopped to her heart's contentment. She was a huge shopper B.D. (Before Dementia). She shopped to deal with stress, avoid emotions, boredom. Her OCD turned this into hoarding. She would probably still try to hang onto a shopping cart better than a walker or grab bar, if she were mobile anymore.
If the shopper could be given a change purse at the entrance, and allowed to spend what's in it, they could have some freedom and get to feel like they shopped by themselves. There could be attendants who look like store employees. I know some of the European dementia villages do this. It's safe, it's contained, and it takes some of the burden off family members to provide shopping as entertainment.
Save the grocery receipts. You may have to make a copy of them if the print seems to rub off.
Most people buy the same thing over and over.
The description, when you bought, etc will be on the receipt plus the things she didn't think she would like.
Take a photo with your phone ( if you have that option) of hard to find or confusing items to help you and the grocer find it.
Sometimes when a favorite item is no longer carried, I've found them at dollar stores. ( denture cream, hair product)
Explain ( one time) that phone calls while shopping are stressful and often not timely. If you can, you will call before leaving the store to see if there is anything else. For this to work you will need to make the call. Sort of a under commit, over deliver.
If asked on that call "when you will return" state in a firm but friendly voice. "When I are finished."
If she is resourceful enough to find someone else to do the job, better yet. Give the cousin a heads up that you are trying to set some boundaries and this will allow her to figure out when she will do the shopping or support your efforts. 11 years old is a good age to carry groceries and learn to help mom and great grand and builds a better relationship. If your aunt is hard core, have this conversation with cousin in front of her. She's not going to want to lose your help and it will change the dynamics and energy around this task.
It will help your aunt if you are dependable, firm and consistent and not easily swayed to deviate from the plan. There is less anxiety for you both. As someone once said, " We teach people how to treat us. "
Back when I was in college, during a snow storm, I went out and got my elderly neighbor's groceries. I did not get a thank you, but rather.... 'oh, I usually get BROWN bread...I always get the BEEF FLavor... etc. That was very annoying, since I felt that I was doing her a favor!
As soon as the garage door shut the door would fly open and the same ole that took you along time we be thrown in our face. Then the judging of each item as it came out of the bag would start, the lunchmeat was cut to thick, and I always get paper between the cheese, or I don't buy that size. And I was ready to be sent to the bedroom if something was out of stock.
All I know is I needed a large glass of wine after each time we had to run to the store and the groceries were put away.
I dreaded my last trip out there knowing I would be by myself when she broke her hip, believe me it was worse, but I had a system by then. A back up box of wine hidden in my bedroom to help soothe my
nerves...lol I'd leave it in the car when I brought in the groceries and move it to my hiding spot, and when she was sleeping I would sneak to the garage and grab it and hide it in my bedroom buried under blackets, and when it was empty I bury it in the recycle can. My inlaws got a chuckle out of that, and wondered why I didn't go for the hard stuff.
Before I left I had mom signed up for a delivery service at the local store and she would call in the order and have it delivered for a small fee. Believe me we still heard the same complaints on how everything was wrong when we would call her each Sunday.
Thankfully we don't have to do her shopping anymore, we delegated moms errand running to her hired caregivers now, but we still hear about how everythings wrong.
Believe me I am still drinking my wine, but for different reasons.
So grocery shopping was my only pleasure. I actually got to ride in a car! And go further than a mile! YAY! However, it was such an arduous process that it took a whole week to plan it, and that was just for the basics. Right then, she had fallen down the stairs and broken both hips. Nonetheless, I do the whole shopping trip in exactly 20 minutes, I must be a tornado, because she will wait for me to leave the house, and then go up the stairs like a mischievous child.
The rest of the time, it's demanded that I sit there with her, don't touch the computer, and watch endless old detective shows while discussing how stupid the woman's shoes are. Then I cannot have a bath in peace or check my email at thee do of the day. I am ready to scream.
So yes, any chance out if the. House, even for twenty fast minutes is like, the Best Day In The World.
I m would say "fine Auntie, whatever you think is best" and leave it at that. I would work on two or three stock phrases like that to say to her when she's trying to pick a fight and gain control.
One way I have found though to make my return home as a shopper a little happier is to pick up one or more items that they especially like, but didn't think to ask for, as a surprise. It helps make up for anything I invariably miss or get wrong and everyone seems to be in a better mood.
You may be able to get your aunt on board by printing out the prices and showing her how much $ you're saving.
I would in fact tell her to do whatever she wants, and also provide her with a list of home delivery grocery stores so she has 2 options from which to choose. She'll be surprised that you threw her manipulative attempt right back at her.