My inlaws are 92 moving into an aged care hostel near us. Previously they've lived 4hours away. I'd like advice on how not to let them make me sad with the way they treat me, (which is by ignoring me and almost pretending I'm not there), and with how they live. I've gotten used to it and realise that by not standing up for myself when 1st married (at 25) that the way they treat me is partly my fault. My husband & I have just had 5 days at their house with them, packing up their things prior to them moving into the hostel. although they were quite good about the packing decisions and we were able to get a lot done I'm now miserable in myself and trying to work out how not to let them effect me like this. I guess I'm worried that with them moving closer & having to see them more often it may really affect me (make me more sad?). OK - I'll give you some examples, my husband is an only child, he had a lonely childhood with 'older' (for the time) parents in their 40's. his parents told him when he introduced me to them I was not good enough and suggested other girls who would be better, it's gone on like that. when we visit a few times a year, they laugh when I'm cold in the house, but do not turn on heating or provide blankets, smaller portions at meals are dished out for me, they think it's funny if I'm still hungry. for many years I've taken my own food and blankets. I'm grateful I don't have to go to their house many more times. this long weekend while packing their house and working for them, I slept outside with our new puppy - who was not allowed in their house, which is fair enough I guess, but not even the laundry, a lot of this time was stormy with driving rain. I provided the food and baking for the weekend, mainly in the hope of having food to eat myself, even this was not a foolproof plan as hubby insisted his mother do the reheating of the meals I bought and dishing out - again we were hungry, (they like to eat fewer meat & veg and more desert and cakes which is not good for me). don't get me wrong, I like camping, & it was lovely in our tent at night to get away from the extremely loud tv (father in law won't wear his hearing aid, the noise and him not hearing me speak is my fault / problem not his). but they did not enquire if we were ok outside...why start now. the thing is they've rarely had anything to do with us, and show little interest in our lives. this weekend we were packing up their lives and they were saying things like ' where have the last 50 years gone'...this makes me so sad, as they have had only 1 friend in that time, no hobbies, no clubs, rarely called us or (thank goodness) visited us, they have a large extended local family and have little interaction with them, yet they are quite fit and healthy. just a void where other people have hobbies and interests. weirdly mother in law has more recently started almost reaching out to me for a hug when she sees me, this is way out of character & makes me wonder what's going on. I feel so sorry for the emptiness in their lives, although I don't know if they see it, I think not, yet I think she is lonely. yet I would not say they are happy. they exist in their own little world and think they are marvelous people...perhaps at this age this is an entitlement, but I've known them for 20 yrs and they are the same...their days are spent grumbling about their neighbours and old wrongs, rarely do they interact with the neighbours or other family in a positive way. I often suggest gifts and things for us to give them, if they know I've had anything to do with it they say it's a bad idea (unless it's my cooking - they are good eaters) - gifts with both our names on are claimed by them to have come from my husband only. and yet this year they bought me a birthday gift. I'm quite confused. I've felt bad for days now, sad and depressed after spending time with them, usually I can shake it off. My husband does not understand how sad they make me feel, he thinks they are just difficult and old, I just look at them and see so much time wasted, where they could have had activities and helped their other family. I think my mother in law would actually have enjoyed seeing us more and sometimes she is almost fun, but father in law is like the snake in the undergrowth, very selfish with an amazing sense of entitlement, so confident that he will be 1st in all things, have the most food, and have all things done for him, then ignore me. any advice much appreciated. I think the other part of this that makes me so sad is that all my older family have passed away, they had friends and helped in the community, had interests and were interested in us, it makes me very sad that these non-interest people get to still be here and my loved ones do not. I'll have to deal with this closer to home soon, any ideas would be great.
I would put up some really big boundaries between myself and the in laws. Are there grandchildren? If not I see no reason why you must ever see these two jerks again. Ever.
I will give you an example in my family. Hubby's sister didn't like me the moment I moved to Florida with my three children. I was southern and baptist and they were northern and catholic. She was rude, made up stories, treated me terribly. I was always walking on eggshells at every family function. My dear husband did nothing. So at one point I told him I was no longer going to visit or take my children to grandma's because no one would defend me against this woman . Finally after many years and much drama sister in law gets meds and is happy. She wants to be "buds" now. Ha......I don't think so.
So be happy and let your husband deal with his crazy parents. Just stay away.
Having you and your husband stay in a tent because you have a puppy while you clean out their house for FREE is not only ridiculous, selfish, inconsiderate and cruel, it is the FINAL STRAW as to the abuse you should take from them. Shame on your husband for allowing any of this to happen. Why the heck would your husband allow you to stay in a tent in their backyard? Has he never heard of a hotel or motel? If the town is so small there isn't a hotel or motel, doesn't he have even 1 friend in his hometown who would have put you up for a few nights? Can your husband not take you to a grocery store or restaurant after dinner if they serve too little food? Did you not have a way to drive to a restaurant or a cellphone to call for pizza delivery? I would have done that - even at the dinner table if these folks were being so selfish and they sure as heck would not get ANY of MY pizza. If they tried to argue about it, I'd tell them they were the worst hosts I'd ever seen and when the pizza arrived, I wouldn't share it with them at all. And I'd continue ordering our food from various take out places or my husband and I would go out to a restaurant for dinner and leave them home alone.
These people are not YOUR parents. They are NOT your friends. YOU don't owe then anything and you don't have to put up with them. If I were you, I would never visit them again. Let your husband visit them if he wants. Don't give them presents, don't talk to them on the phone, don't visit, don't make food for them. Do nothing for them at all. Just go on about your life as though they don't exist. They are NOT your problem.
And I DO blame your husband for allowing his wife to be treated poorly by his parents. If my parents did any of that stuff to my husband, I would have called them on it and if it continued, that would have been the END of my relationship with them.
My inlaws are somewhat difficult and they are socially awkward. My husband doesn't get along with his dad and I don't like the way my MIL gossips nonsense about my husband's siblings and their spouses. Fortunately, I only have to see them once every few years and I've figured out how to control them. My FIL has learned that if he yells at me (something he has only tried twice in 28 years), I won't tolerate that sort of behavior and will put him in his place. He has also learned that if he raises his voice to my husband I will stop him. You see, he has NO power over me whatsoever because I don't care what he thinks about me. As long as he respects me and minds his P's and Q's around me, we get along. If he crosses the line, he gets put in his place. I believe I am the first independent woman he has ever met and he doesn't know what to think of me. I don't care. I'm not there to please him and he has no right to tell me what to do. He also knows I won't tolerate him berating my husband, as I have cut him off many times when he got started on some minor perceived infraction.
In your case, the relationship with these inlaws is too far gone and bad habits are too ingrained for you to continue on with them.
Your husband's behavior in regards to his parents makes no sense unless he was so abused as a child that he will do anything to get along with them. But he is an adult now and he needs to grow a backbone and so do you. In your case, cut these nasty people out of your life permanently. There is nothing wrong with doing that and in this case, it certainly does not make you a bad or neglectful person as these people have done nothing to earn your respect or even the right to be called inlaws. If I were you, I'd call them "outlaws." As far as your husband goes, he may need to get some counseling to learn how to stand up for himself and you. Together you and your husband are a team and if you will both stand up for yourselves and each other, you can put a stop to this "cancer" (his parents) in your lives. Clearly you recognize that this is a problem. Does your husband? If so, what on earth is his motivation for allowing this behavior to continue for so many years?
not an excuse for her sharing in the unkind behavior, but a sad reflection on the life she has led. I suspect FIL is mentally ill but that's just a guess.
Why are they moving closer to you. Surely they don't expect you to take care of them.
Draw an absolute boundery there - it's not going to happen. hubby can choose to but not you. He can even visit them alone. As far as the food is concerned, you provided the food for that awful weekend, it was yours. When MIL served you a minute portion I would have asked for more and when that request was denied got up from the table and told them you were going to McDonalds or where ever.
Why didn't you take a crate for the puppy? You knew he was not yet house trained and it is perfectly reasonable for someone not to want him in their house.
They need to learn some manners, hubby needs to grow some family jewels and you need to pull up your big girl knickers and stand up for your self. Everyone is at fault here. If I have hurt your feelings I apologize, no need to write me a blistering reply, I'll eat the humble pie now, my skin is old and thick Hugs
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