I've never done anything right in my mother's eyes and have always been a disappointment to her. Now I'm responsible for her yard work and most transportation. I HATE going to visit her!
What can I do to stop personalizing all the negative things she says?
Set boundaries with your mother is very important. I know my mother well enough to know when the temperature in the room is changing....I would leave her house before it became explosive. I would end conversations on the phone the same way. If she accused me falsely, I would tell her the truth and leave. There were times I did not talk to her for a couple months at a time until she got the message. I suggest you google setting boundaries with a narcissistic parent, detaching with love, and also google the site daughtersofnarcissisticmothers. I this may be a lot of information that could overwhelm you, but learning to detach is very important. Hugs to you!!
I'm guessing she is still relatively healthy and that being the case it is important for you to draw the line now on what you will and will not accept as far as her attitude and comments go.
Get together with a few friends, tip a few glasses, and make a list of the typical unpleasant comments she always makes. You can put them on a bingo card, or print up a list. When you have to talk to her, every time she says something nasty, pull out your card and check it off! If she has any sense of humor, tell her what's going on. If not, then just keep track of how many items you checked off. That way, you can almost be happy when she gets in a zinger, because you earn a point!
It's just a way to reframe an unpleasant situation that is not going to change. It hurts, I know. Best wishes.
You had to put up with this when you were a child. You do not now. She "calls it as she sees it." Time for you to be as blunt. "I'm sorry that I can't do anything right for you Mom, and I think it is time for you to find someone who can, or at least who is getting paid to hear your criticisms." "Our trips in the car always wind up with you criticizing me. I am not going to take that anymore. If you want, I'll help you find transportation. But I'm not driving you any more."
If you continue to put up with this, remind yourself that it is by your choice.
For instance, due to several foot surgeries, I've been unable to exercise as I had for many years and I've gained way too much weight, which I'm now starting to lose. Instead of telling me I'm fat and I need to exercise, she asks, "So, do you think you'll ever run a marathon?" She already knows that answer to her question.
I HATE having to visit her or take her anywhere because I always have to be on my guard so I don't say or do the "incorrect" thing. It's wearing me down!
One thing I should mention....everyone else thinks she's the kindest, sweetest, person on the face of the earth!
Think about things she has said in the past (sorry this will be painful) and plan standard responses to use for common themes of her attacks. Speak from your heart, not in retaliation. Give her feedback that will help her understand that she is beyond the boundaries of an Adult to Adult relationship.
Make sure she has what she needs to be safe, fed and warm then LIMIT THE TIME YOU SPEND WITH HER. When you do visit, make the conversations all about her, it may limit the openings she has to do sneak attacks if she has limited information about you and your activities.
Lastly, realize that there are some people you will never make happy no matter how hard you try. Use your time and energy elsewhere. Spend time with positive people. Give yourself positive self-talk, as you did in your most recent post, about your abilities.
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