How do I deal with my selfish elderly parents?

Sometimes all you can control is what you do, and not what anyone else does.

As an adult, it's easy to lose our way and not see that we actually DO have some choices in front of us. We have been programmed to oblige, oblige, oblige our entire lives to the point it's instinct now. Everyone's problems must be our responsibility, right? Everyone's satisfaction, contentment, happiness, and calmness is our problem, right?

WRONG.

Fixing this kind of thing is going to take some real grit on your part.

When elders are beyond understanding what you ask of them, it's time for an assessment by at geriatric doctor. NOT a family GP who is not trained on old age like a pediatrician is on young age. Find a geriatric doctor who will see your elder. Send them a list of concerns ahead of time. Request a cognitive evaluation.

Say & do whatever you need to, to get mom/dad in the car to that visit. Say it's required for insurance, or the government requires it, or that you don't know why you have to go, you are just following instructions from the doctor. Whatever it takes. I give you permission because this is a kind of emergency.

This doctor visit can do a number of helpful things. It can start a file that other agencies and people are going to need to reference. It can straighten out any medication related problems, hidden infections, depression, anxiety, and a host of cognitive related problems. You may be referred to a neurologist for a follow up. This is a GOOD THING.

The doctor can take away driving privileges and report that to the DMV. It's not YOU being the bad guy. My mother got to the point where she did not care one whit if she ran anybody over or killed babies out driving with her terrible vision and reduced comprehension. You can take the car & keys away by pretending to take it in for an oil change or gas or something. Just don't bring it back!

The next step is to find a placement for this parent/elder that is NOT YOUR HOME. Very important that it is not your home. When there is an abusive/toxic relationship between the elder and their adult child, it will be a very poor and damaging caregiving experience for everyone.

I didn't give my mom a choice about it. I had scouted out a place in advance, filled out the paperwork, and done everything but write the check. Her choice was apartment A or B. She got a tour, a free lunch, and we wrote the first check out for her. Done. I probably got really lucky because she was soaking up the petting and attention from the manager that day. And she was very angry at our complete refusal to treat her like the Queen of Sheba at my house.

Once mom got out of my house, I had some buffer zone between me and her personality (to put it nicely). I went to visit, do laundry, grocery shop, etc. until she moved into the nursing home unit. That move was not my choice or hers. It happened as a result of being hospitalized and some spiraling medical & psychological problems. It was all out of my hands at that point.

She started seeing a psychologist, better doctors, and getting her "meals, meds, and beds" on a regular schedule. More changes put her into the locked memory care unit this past year. Getting her on anxiety and psychotic meds has made a huge difference in her wellbeing. This would not have been possible if she had stayed in her own home or mine.

There are some people who just cannot live together or even close to each other, and that is just the way it is.

Hi Jett, Wow..you do have your hands full. I know what you mean about dads being mean. My mom was very ill recently and hospitalized and I had to spend a great deal of time with my father. He would push me around...actually push my shoulder to move me in the direction he wanted me to go. Yell at me and storm out of the house when I did not agree with him. This one thing I have learned. They will NOT change. We can continue to be miserable and begin to hate and resent our parents. What good is that? I have changed my focus. I feel so much better. You are a good, loving, and devoted daughter. You care for your parents because that is the kind of person you are. Do not wait for them to tell you they appreciate you...they will not. But you appreciate yourself and I certainly appreciate you. I appreciate that there is someone else out there dealing with similar problems and I appreciate this opportunity to share my feelings with someone who understands. "Change the way you look at things and the things you look at will change". Get it? Have a bright day. Rita

"All my brave words...I still feel so guilty"
Yep. Been there. Still there. Grew up there. Haven't been able to move away from there. They are so selfish. We give, and give, and give, and they take, and take, and take...and WE feel guilty. So is something wrong with them, or is something wrong with US?

My mother always quoted some erodite guy about how you can 'never escape your early beginnings.' They reared us up with the notion that we are responsible to them and they still expect us to be their parents. I have been bringing them up all my life.
Obligation is the strongest and most powerful of all emotions. It is supposed to be love. Sometimes I wonder if I am inadvertantly doing to the people that I actually love, the things that my parents are doing to me. Somehow that cycle must stop. My brother has no problem walking away...but that is his way of taking. Three takers one giver. It wears you down. I don't think I have much left to give. My husband calls it family equity, but they never deposited.
Bless you all. Not all parents are good parents... but we are good people and this is what we do. A hug to all of you.

Wayne2848, are you saying that people who don't have a life should sacrifice their non-life to the service of family members?

WHAT?!

In the first place, what on earth do you mean that you don't have a life? You don't have a wife and 2.3 kids and a cocker spaniel so your life doesn't count? Who told you that? That is just crazy.

Twelve years ago you agreed to totally and completely give up your life and business and savings and identity. WHAT?!!

Wow! Where did you get these ideas that your are not a valuable unique individual with a right to a life of your own?

Well, never mind where you got them, because they are WRONG.

I don't know who these people are who expect that you should sacrifice everything for your parents, but believe me, it is NOT "everyone." What kind of parents expect this kind of sacrifice?

Here is the good news, though. You don't need to end it ... you just need to change it. And that will be a LOT OF WORK. Working to change things will be your life, at least for a while. Are you in counselling now? I can't imagine taking on the hard work of turning your life around without help and support.

You may have another 30 or 40 or even 50 more years to discover/build/celebrate your own life. You matter. You count. Your life is important.

Please, please post again and tell us that you are going to start down the hard but rewarding path of reclaiming your life.

Caregiver1963, you cannot control your mother. You can not reform her. You cannot fix her. She is who she is (and it sounds like that is a pretty unpleasant person to be around).

You can, however, control your own actions. And that turns out to be a pretty powerful ability, if you do it with some thought.

You can say, "I am available to take you to appointments between x and y. If you need appointments outside of that window, please make other arrangements." AND STICK TO IT!

You can say, "I am not available for telephone calls between x and y. If you have an emergency, please use your lifeline button." And you can check caller ID and DO NOT ANSWER HER CALLS BETWEEEN THOSE HOURS.

You can leave her alone for a while at a family event. You've already heard all her bowel and pill stories -- let her find a new audience.

You can realize that if she freaks out at your reasonable behavior, if she goes ballistic, if she gets sarcastic, if she is unhappy ... the world as we know it will not end. Her unhappiness is her problem, not yours. (Repeat the "Not My Problem" mantra as needed.) She gets unhappy when you will not take unpaid time off for her benefit? You are in control. You make your decisions. You cannot control her reaction. She doesn't like it? Tough cookies!

You can let her handle her domestic help as she sees fit ... and to suffer the consequences of a very high turnover rate. You can realize that this is Not Your Problem.

Yes, your life is VERY stressful! And as far as I can see, there is only one person who can change that. You! Your autistic child cannot reduce your stress level. Your boss and your banker are unlikely to reduce it. You mother most certainly is not going to care two figs (or even one fig) about your stress level. So if you want less stress, let go of all the MANY things that are Not Your Problem but that you are so fussed over. Set boundaries with your negative mother and ENFORCE them.

What I'm suggesting is a huge change for you, and changes are often very hard. Perhaps some of the time you are going to no longer devoting to your mother's unreasonable demands you could get some counseling to support you in taking charge of your life.

PS ... give your sister's advice serious consideration.

Where and Little, Yep. House is paid for but we live in the basement so as to have some privacy and at least some space all to ourselves. The home has two bathrooms and the one closest to her bedroom she thinks of as hers and gets snotty if anyone uses it but her...it's the main bathroom of the house. Ours has the laundry room attached to it and it's fair game so like I said, a big part of my frustration is that we have so little of our lives to ourselves now. None of this would be a problem if she (my Mom) just didn't act like we are only here to meet her needs and to "serve" her. When I was a kid, we did all the housework and our own laundry as she thought it was best for us to learn to be able to take care of ourselves, and there was hell to pay if the house wasn't kept just so. She and my Dad were divorced and she worked so it seemed right we do it to help out, but now I see it's really because she is just totally lazy and I mean won't even walk three feet to throw something away but let it sit for days lazy. Bottom line is I messed up by allowing her to move in with us as she did not need to for health reasons or financial reasons, but I really thought she would see it as us allowing her to travel and do the things she wants to do with her life. Instead she sees it as my life is now hers to take over and I mean that literally...the thing is I am not a push over person at all but her passive/aggressive crap is wearing me down. Basically she can do, say, be, however and it's just suppose to be ok, and if you say anything then she acts like you just cut her heart out and put it on a plate (I mean way over dramatic reaction to even the smallest of criticism) and of course as she remembers my youth she did everything and sacrificed all for us kids and we are just shits now. The truth is she didn't and we were basically raise by an abusive father (she did divorce him but only when he started beating her along with us) and a neglectful mother who made all of us feel that we were killing her to provide for us with every spoon of food we put into our mouths (literally back then).

My point in posting was to warn others, if your parents were jerks when you were a kid then time and distance isn't going to change them just because it's changed you...they get even worse with age and then expect you to snap back into the service role you had as a child. My Mom basically isn't just a selfish person, I then to think she is plainly a sociopathic personality to begin with and only sees other people for what they can do for her, and this is especially true now. This is really hard to even say, but it is the truth and I had to say it some where to someone, and at least that made me feel better.

Wayne: I'm with Jeanne 100%. Honey, you need to save your life, not end it. It's not unfortunate that you are a gay man. Doesn't mean that you can't have a life partner and find happiness and someone to share it with. Please do not say that your life is a throw away life. It's not. Your sibs have every bit as much responsibility toward their parents as you do. Sexuality has nothing to do with it.
Their personal fulfillment is not more important that yours.

Look, you are a good, compassionate, talented man. You have dug a big hole for yourself and now it is time to start climbing out of that hole. Please call your local Area on Aging and your local Department of Social Services. Find out what resources are available for your folks. You do this, you are a smart, creative, patient man. Get to it.

It's better to meet with people face to face whenever possible. Please start taking some steps to get your parents placed or get them the in-home care that they need.

Start looking for jobs and get back into the world. Life is out there and it is waiting for you to believe in it.

This will be a journey for you to reclaim your life and live it for all it's worth. Don't give in to despair. Please stay in touch. Sending you lots of love and hugs and wishing for your happiness. Cattails

To Jeanne and Nancy- thank you both so very much for your responses to my post. Timely and thoughtful and so much appreciated.
I can not figure out how to send a private message so I am posting here.
You words of encouragement made me take a second look at what is going on and I am in the process of getting myself help.
Very often the isolation of these situations is dangerous and I have to thank you both again for taking the time to write.
I will figure out how to use this site as I want to know more about other folks challenges so as not to assume I am so alone.
Wayne

And i forgot to mention the insight "Cattails" offered me- your words too encouraged me to get help...many, many, many thanks for taking the time to help me see I do not need to see the world in such black and white terms.

Caregiver1963, I have to agree with cattails, not just because I think she's awesome either ;-). A little "tough-love" is very necessary here, otherwise you're mother may be attending your funeral next. It's not going to be easy and she's very likely to get worse before she finally starts to understand how it is. You NEED to stand up to her and let her know she can't push you around anymore, because she's only going to end up pushing you away in the end. If you don't, she'll only push you into the ground and that's not fair to you and especially not fair to your children.