Where do I start. Mom is 89 and Dad is 91. He still drives, but shouldn't; he has told us (three siblings) that even if we take away his license he would still drive. Dad is very very mean; no this did not become of lately, he has been mean all his life. His way or the highway. This has become increasingly worse. He is VERY independent and does not like when you explain to him you want to help, Dad will take it as he is weak. Yeah he is weak, he is 91. But in his mind he is 51. Most of the times I can let things role, but yesterday broke the straw. My husband and his brother planted our garden with everything Dad wanted. Every row is marked with what it has in it. Dad was already planted over the carrots and yesterday he planted right over the okra and beans. He wanted his OWN role of okra, so with no regard to my husband and his brother, he planted his okra. I know all of you will say it is just a garden and to be glad he can still do it, BUT this is with everything. He breaks things constantly around the house. We have "old-aged" proofed it, but things seem to find him. When he breaks our stuff he hides it or tries to fix it (always looking horrible). He never apologies and will never replace it. I have had it up to my eyeballs. I am wanting to move, but I will still be the one taking care of them. My older sister has a husband with bipolar, brother has a wife that is, well not stable, and my other sister just lost her husband and has her daughter and three grandchildren living with them. So I am in a pickle. I feel guilty about not wanting to help, but I am being honest. My poor husband deserves the gold metal for having patience with them, but he is able to walk away from them more than I can.
My heart goes out to each and everyone of you. This is not easy and until someone walks in our shoes, they do not understand. I am glad I found this site where I may vent. I cannot talk to my siblings cause they have their own problems and I do not want to burden them with more.
Thanks for listening. Have a wonderful day.
Jett
My husband is always trying to tell me that I am not going to get what I want from my parents. He is correct. They are in the twilight of their lives. If I have not earned their love, respect, or trust by now, then I should not go there expecting any. If I could only break the cycle, do what needs to be done with dispassion, then perhaps I could be more to all of us. Leaving hurt, and angry, and furious at myself for being the good guy, and yet beating myself up for not being 'good enough' for them...as I wipe up the pee around the toilet (He must see double and picks the wrong one)... It has to stop. Perhaps It is Stockholm syndrome. But if we do not do this, then who will?
My grand parents were so loving and kind. It was easier to care for a kind grateful person. My parents never said I love you. no hugs, no compassion... after 46 years, one would think I would have figured it out that they aren't normal. Something is missing in them, and I need to realize that it won't develop anytime in this life of theirs. It is funny though, mom calls dad a 'lump" and dad calls mom 'unloving.' They see it in each other but not themselves. That would take introspection, and perhaps the realization that they aren't the center of the universe. gasp!
Everytime I want to give up and just let them reap the thistles in the garden they've sown, my husband (the better of the two of us) reminds me that we have to do what is best for them because we have to live with ourselves. He just wants me to do it without emotion, distance myself. I understand what he is saying, but it is so hard to do.
So we count our blessings. I slept so much better last night knowing that I am not alone. Many of you are going through a worse time of it... a glimps into the future,*sigh*, but this site is a comfort. allies in the trenches.
Do not forget to tell your husbands and children that you love them. That they are special to you. Let's break this cycle by giving to those who recipricate and love us back. We need to go to the wells that have water, and stop looking for it in the dry ones.
Have a blessed day.
Here is a song for everyone to enjoy. Dance in the Rain by Marvin Mumford hope his Music blesses you all.
My Dad wasn't mean, just distant. And angry at times. My Mom was the selfish, mean one. Egg shells don't make for good flooring. There were always elephants in our living rooms and other wild beasts in the rest of the house. My sister and I both still struggle today. But after 12 years of marriage, and lots of good Christian Biblical counseling, my husband says I'm doing better than I was. You know we have to in order to show compassion to the ones who were not so nice to us at times. But you know, I was a brat, too. I can't just blame my Mom totally. Yeah they bear some of the responsibility, but not all. It is just time for me to grow up. And forgive. And take care of the ones who once cared for me. I thank God I can do it. It is a privilege, and a way to honor them, even if I don't like Mom at times.
It's hard to do for someone who's difficult to please. But when my thinking is right, I remember we are commanded to love our neighbor. It's easy to love the nice ones. It is definitely harder to love and show compassion to the prickly pears. But Jesus did it. He loved me when I was lost and broken and ugly and mean and selfish. He loves you, too.
upthecreek, God can heal the broken ones. (I know, because he's working on me.) But it does hurt, and it does take awhile.
And this site has been a Godsend. You ladies, too.
Now I hear the stories and her "demands" and they scoff. Now when the med techs see me or the caregivers, we have a good chuckle. Sometimes we go to visit just the staff and they ask "Are you going to see your mother?" I look at them and reply, "Do I look sick to you? Take my temp!" we all chuckle and I do what I need to do then leave.
My mother's selfishness led me to a lot of problems emotionally. Denial about my childhood, anger about her treatment towards me, and a struggling marriage because I did not see a normal marriage growing up. Make sure you get GOOD counseling! In my case I only recommend a Christian counselor, but hey. The one thing I can tell those of you who deal with a vindictive cruel parent... you can't get blood from a stone. Don't expect something you will never receive. Just move on and find a way to cope. Seriously.
Thank you all for being here and showing we are not alone. It makes the days so much easier! Neon if you're reading this, I'm glad you're surfacing again. I hope you are doing better!!
My brother doesn't help and really doesn't know how.Anything I did was not to her satisfaction and I was the bad kid. The baby my brother is the angel. No problems but he is a chronic liar.Has got caught many times and he still gets away with it. I truly beleive if did something seriously worng he walk away scott free just becuase he is the baby. She spoiled him rotten and I did too but that was becuase we went through allot of foster homes and I was the oldest taking care both of us.
When she adopted him it was all about the baby. She forgot me and my dad and I had a sweet relationship wish I think to this day she still jealous of. So, I people I understand they all can be selfish and run us to the ground. I wonder what it is with this generation just reading what people write about they all seem the same did they all come out of the same hole( like that Wendy's commercial He-he) Yeah your right Anne we would have a ball and laugh our heads off and praise one another.
Lord help these broken ones that have endured the pain of this group of people. We love them but we are damned if we do and damned if we don't. I am sure God is watching us all. So , we keep being the disciples we are to our parents. Maybe one day God will help them to see the Light.
Amen
I'm with you...I can't believe the guilt! My mom was rarely there for me as a child...she didn't go to my high school graduation and she didn't act liked she cared when I graduated from broadcasting school!!! She seemed as if she had better things to do than listen to my demo (for commercials). And now she expects me to be there for her every blinking moment!!! Argues all the time and dosen't want me to comment back...tells me im being disrespectful!!! Well she wouldn't let me speak my mind as a child and I'll be bleep, bleep, bleep if I'm going to let her do this to me as an adult!!!
Hey Anne,
Yes, it would be great if we all could get together and go to a fun place to let out some steam together!!! To laugh and cry...more laughter though!!!
Hang in there!!!
Jazzy
Jett, I wonder how people get out of pickles? May all your metals be gold. I hereby crown you queen!
And here's looking at you, Rita: priceless!
Lini, I pray you have a blessed and happy marriage. Enjoy and cling to HIM!
alicmb, you're a treasure!
Good point gvergrl. Family equity? (funny!) More like family deficit.
Stay a hero BABYBOOMER!
Bless you kyredhead12!
Thanks for the laughs, mitzipinki. I think your Mom and mine exchanged notes. Aren't we awesome to put them in exquisite facillities? Good looking out!
This thread made me smile, even though it hits so close to home and heart. I'm glad I can still laugh. Thanks, everyone. Wouldn't it be a hoot to all get together at once? I mean for real? Hawaii? Heaven? Hope to see you there!
Well now mom and dad are in assisted living in an exquisite facility. But I gotta tell ya I had the most priceless moment this weekend.
My mother is the mean one. She's ridden my fanny over my weight gain for so many years it became a joke between my husband and I. My mom would tell me about all sorts of diets, cut out articles, insult me in front of others, and the list just goes on and on.
Well, the hospital put my mother on Megace (appetite increaser) because my mother dropped down to 74 lbs trying to starve herself (too long a story to go into). Well in about 8 weeks she went from 74 lbs to 121 lbs. I laugh because she's NEVER been over 115 lbs in her life!! What was priceless you ask?
When I saw her this weekend, she started complaining and I quote, "I can't believe how fat I am!" I looked up at her and told her flat out (I have my husband who can testify), "What goes around comes around. Perhaps you should talk to your doctor."
OH MAN did I get the glare between those chubby cheeks. It was vindication at its finest! Patience always brings it back around, but its just a matter of how long can one hold on?
Keep hanging in everyone! Selfishness is a disease and learning boundaries and to say no while they hurt is one of the toughest things you'll ever have to do.
Yep. Been there. Still there. Grew up there. Haven't been able to move away from there. They are so selfish. We give, and give, and give, and they take, and take, and take...and WE feel guilty. So is something wrong with them, or is something wrong with US?
My mother always quoted some erodite guy about how you can 'never escape your early beginnings.' They reared us up with the notion that we are responsible to them and they still expect us to be their parents. I have been bringing them up all my life.
Obligation is the strongest and most powerful of all emotions. It is supposed to be love. Sometimes I wonder if I am inadvertantly doing to the people that I actually love, the things that my parents are doing to me. Somehow that cycle must stop. My brother has no problem walking away...but that is his way of taking. Three takers one giver. It wears you down. I don't think I have much left to give. My husband calls it family equity, but they never deposited.
Bless you all. Not all parents are good parents... but we are good people and this is what we do. A hug to all of you.
OK all my brave words why do I still feel so guilty I can't sleep???
I only have one brother and he doesnt do anything to help.
My husband and My children are saints for bearing with me on a daily basis because my mother keeps me so stressed out. My mother is so strong willed and maniplitive. She is addicted to sweepstakes and the lottery. I have done everything I know to do to keep her from being taken by this type of fraud but my mother tells me that I am stealing the only joy she has and she says she enjoys the sweepstakes although she has been taken for thousands and thousands of dollars. My time is consumer by her financial affairs, and just her daily life in general.
I feel sorry for my husband, children and grandson. I would love to spend more time with them but I mother is constantly calling, or creating some type of crisis to insure that I stay focused on her.
I hope that I never place burdens on my children the way my mother has created burdens of pressure in my life.
My dad is 80 and now he is having health problems...I will be the only one to take care of him as well.
I never thought I would live my life like this...I can understand people whom would want to take there own life.... When I feel so consumed I call on the Lord and He gives me strength to do what I need to from moment to moment.
I just know ...this too shall pass.
Just wanted to share my story with someone who can probably relate.
Lini