How do I deal with sibling who gave me nothing but grief in the recent past?

anon: It is sad when family members act like jerks, but I'm going to share with you what one of my friends said to me once---"just because they've ruined their lives, does not give them the right to ruin yours."

amen...move away...that's what im doing when my parents pass! moving far, far, far away from those to rotten brothers!!

It is during times of stress and challenges that true character is revealed. Pay close attention and then move on and away from those who don't care.

Thanks!

For what it's worth?

Thanks, What does FWIW mean?

FWIW, Arlene, a lot of doctors just can't imagine that life is worth living as imperfections and incurable illnesses creep in, and so they avoid...and it is also for some of us very hard to reduce time spent at work unless there are a lot of colleagues who can take up the slack. There are times when the obligations to patients are absolute but of course he should have been there for you a lot more and been there FOR you both when he was there.

I feel so very blessed to have two brothers and myself all on the same page. My little brother and sis in law are taking care of dad in their home, and are getting paid for it, plus perks (dad roofed their house, helped them pay for a new septic system and is now putting in a storm shelter for them). I have POA and help with financial matters, but give my little brother and sis in law free reign in taking care of dad and my older brother is on board with it all. We don't care if Dad uses every penny he has helping them out. They are making the end years of Dad's life as good as it can be. What price that? I am blessed not to have horrible siblings like so many in here... I'm so sorry for you all. Heading to my Brother's in a week from now to give them a long weekend of freedom from caregiving. It's a 7 hour drive, but I love hanging with my dad...I'm taking him gambling (his favorite thing to do) so wish us luck!

Another good example of the saying... You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family. Hopefully you've some good friends to give you support during this trying time.

We have had to part ways with the brother of my Alzheimer's (59 year old) husband. Brother had no empathy, no compassion, and absolutely no understanding (he's a doctor). If his participation was not around his schedule or his direction then he was unwilling to help. Husband and I felt awful every time we were around this brother. No more. Very sad, yet very easy.

How sad and terrible for you.
I always said i would never fight over
Death money. And i did not have to i was left out due to scheming of others.

1RareFind, I certainly agree that not every prodigal child is out for personal gain later in life, and will try to make amends. Unfortunately, that was not the case with my experience. My other sister and I live 650 miles away. My stepbrother lived 20 minutes away and rarely answered my dad's calls, or went to help him when asked, saying his weekends were for sitting around or riding his motorcycle with buddies, not helping my 91 year old dad mow the pasture or lift heavy items. The only time he showed up was to borrow money he never repaid, or if it was a family get-together when my other sister and I showed up for visits. Still, after his sister assaulted my father, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and hoped he would live up to the man we wanted him to be. That was not the case. I had loved him since he was 4 years old, and also my stepsister who ended up causing my father's death. It was devastating beyond measure, not only to watch my father suffer, but to know the children he'd loved all those years betrayed him in the end. Two weeks before he died, my father lay dying in that bed at the nursing home and said bitterly, "B****a did this to me." He knew she had killed him and asked for justice, but I was unable to get that for him. He had his stroke 2 days after she assaulted him, but there were no eyewitnesses and the local police refused to get involved. I can only hope "B" lives a long time with the knowledge of what she did always in the back of her mind. My other sister and I have cut ties with both of them. When people show you who they are, believe them. I believe them now. (There had been incidents through the years that alerted us to their willingness to lie and steal, but the rest of us never dreamed it would end in violence and theft toward my father).

As for having a POA, I think in many cases it is vital. In my dad's case, it went to someone with ulterior motives. We had my stepbrother removed as POA in court when we had a court appointed guardian named. He had sued for custody of my father's finances and assets, but refused the burden of his care. So we were able to safeguard my dad. However, even though having a POA could have ended disastrously, I think the benefits outweigh the risk. The trick is getting the right POA. A trusted family attorney, for instance; someone outside the family that can be trusted, who has nothing to gain. When a parent descends into dementia or can no longer comprehend that people they love might hurt them, they need someone to keep them safe. Truthfully, my niece would have done an excellent job with all the unexpected and often wearying details that accompany being a POA, as she had only my dad's and her grandmother's best interests at heart. But it would have subjected her to endless battles with the two who are out for gain, and in the end, cause her untold grief. We were all relieved to get an objective party involved who takes no interest in family squabbles.

This is not the answer for everyone. But I firmly believe that making arrangements to protect not only personal assets that will be needed for care, but also keep any family members from temptation, is the most responsible thing to do for my future and my children's harmony.

And to address the original question, please talk to an attorney about your rights as caretaker. Get in writing all legal papers needed to establish guidelines for not only you, but any siblings or other relatives. A person with diminished capacity is not allowed to legally sign documents or wills, so if that has not already been done, ask your attorney's advice. If you have no family attorney, there are legal aid groups who can address your concerns. Many are affiliated with the aging. They will have a lot of valuable advice for you. Until this happened to my father, I had no idea how much help is out there for those of us thrust into these situations. I just wish I had done something years ago to safeguard him.

vstefans: We're all not Catholics on here so let's consider that we all get to Heaven differently. Psalm 1:1 "Blessed is the man who walketh not in the counsel on the ungodly." Was that the scripture verse you were thinking of?

I too have been given greif from a sibling out of state that constantly drilled me about dads bills, and expenses, cuz he was complaining to her about being broke, so i guess assumed i was just being careless with his money so she reported me to APS for financial exploitation. After a huge and very awkward, nit to mention kinda scary investigatio. Nothing came of it,,, so then she called our dad asking for a thousand dollars!!!
Go figure!

Do you have their power of attorney? are either parents Veterans? get a notory and have both prent sign in front of he notory, and tell other family members to back off. stand firm and call the cops if they come knocking on the door. get a restraining order, let them know it enough already. if the brother is not contributing to their care in any way he has no right to boss you around. you didnt say if they lived with you or you lived with them either way you have rights..Good Luck

I tend to believe most people have good intentions and root for the best in them. However, I'm nobody's fool. Perhaps your sibling is really trying to make amends and is trying to make peace with your parent and themselves before it is too late. I honestly think it would be a shame to deny them this opportunity. If their intentions are honest and good - it would benefit you as a person to rise above past transgressions. That said - protect yourself and protect your parent. Do not allow your sibling any access or information regarding finances, wills, POA and the like. If you can not be sure your parent would do the same, do not leave them alone together beyond a few minutes. Certainly do not allow him the power to make any decisions of consequence. If your siblings intentions are not honorable they will soon tire of the charade and show their true colors. In other words- give him/her enough rope to hang themselves. All this also applies to how they treat you as well
- at the first nasty comment don't let on that you're bothered, but at the end of the conversation or visit let them know you/your parent have a really busy couple of weeks coming up - that you're not sure when might be a good time for a visit - for them to call before coming over - then just stop being available for them. You are the person in control - the one with the power - you can have this play out as you wish.

Vasuna, we Catholics still believe in purgatory! It may not be as much a punishment as a chance to really clean ourselves up and be entirely ready for the life the way it will be in Heaven. We don't believe in using psychics, but your prayer for your brother was a real kindness in any event. And there is Scripture indicating that prayers for the dead are very appropriate and avail much. I would bet he had addictions and intended and wished to be a better person but just failed because of them.

You're both older and wiser so MOVE ON!

very interesting answers here...and more! adding to my story....the worst brother of the two is actually 11 years younger then me...and when my mother got very ill, and after 5 years of caring for my parents...he came in like a blockbuster!!! it shocked me to the core! he actually wanted to have this huge discussion of what type of refridgerator i should purchase?? whaaaaat? lol he wore my out with his constant, overbearing presence! i never gave in to his demands...and eventually he stole my father's will and his POA over my mother who could no longer sign because she was in advanced stages of dementia! he thought he was so smart!! for three years my father told me to trust him...and did not make an attempt to get his legal paperwork back because he didn't want his son to get mad at him!!! OMG....i can't tell you how furious i was! yes, parents know that their children are scoundrels....but they love all their children no matter what!! finally....my brother made the unlitmate mistake...he stopped coming over to see my father!!! had not come over for at least 1 1/2 years...my father was mortified! thank god for my brother's unlimate mistake....my father updated all the legal paperwork...taking control away from my brother and giving it to me!! I WAS SOOOOO RELIEVED and could continue caring for both my parents with no ANGST in my heart. it's been about 7 1/2 years now...fulltime. my mother is now in her last stages of dementia...and have not had a day off in 10 months...and i have a brother that lives with us also! but...i no longer have to worry about my future...nor do i ever have to speak to that rotten brother until my parents have passed and we sell the house!!! i will be on my happy way...without ever caring if i ever see either of my two rotten brothers again!! thank you god!

I must say that not everyone who visits parents later in life is necessarily after game because not everyone is. If there was a fall out in the family, perhaps tying up those loose ends may come later in life as reconciliation is made and some of those cases.

VirginiaBB, I'm terribly sorry to hear how bad of an experience your loved one suffered, this should never have been the case at all, especially where violence was involved. As for the checking account and financial issue though, you may want to start encouraging others to not sign up for a POA. There are ways to avoid having anyone on your bank account because you can automate bill pay these days. No one has any business stealing from someone else's bank account, this is wrong. Sadly undue influence is common these days, and from your description this is what it sounds like to me. Hopefully tomorrow's elders will be smarter and more stubborn in certain ways of self-preservation. Self-preservation steps are absolutely necessary at any age, and if we don't protect ourselves now, we become vulnerable later, meaning others could take advantage of us. I personally would never want a POA or any other kind of trustee on my account. Just from your description makes me more determined to take extra steps to protect myself and to become more stubborn in certain ways as I get older. Not that I'm not already pretty stubborn, but as we get older stubbornness can be used for good to protect ourselves from certain things elders face. A certain amount of stubbornness is always good as long as it's used in the right way.

Be very cautious. In my experience, a sibling who can't be bothered with visits or care until late in their parent's life is only out for one thing--gain. While I do not know your situation, my impression is that this person hopes for a financial windfall or some other gain. If you believe that to be true, safeguard your stepdad's assets by contacting a reputable lawyer. In our family, after my deranged stepsister beat my dad with a broom and caused the stroke that ultimately killed him, my stepbrother, who had my dad and stepmom assign him POA, then stole over $20,000 from his checking account. We had to hire a lawyer and ended up safeguarding my dad with a court appointed guardian for his finances, and a state social worker as his physical guardian. This took all matters out of our hands and kept him safe. When my father died, we then did the same for my stepmother as her doctors said she has dementia, and had her appointed guardians for her finances and physical safety. My stepbrother is still trying to steal from his own mother, however, and we are battling to keep her assets for her profit instead of his. He defied the lawyer's instructions and kept valuable items from the liquidation sale of the estate, and until the house and land is sold, he will keep trying to get his hands on money he didn't earn and that doesn't belong to him. He cares so little for his mother, it doesn't matter if she has enough for her needs. So keep track of every little detail as far as finances go, but learn to let the small irritations, such as dinner, go unless it's causing you undue stress and inconvenience. If you're the primary caretaker you have legal rights. Talk to an attorney you trust.

I was never an abused child, I had it good as a little girl, but my parents sometimes would dictate to me who I was going to hang with. That advise came in really handy in 2003 when I was working for my state's department of labor when along comes this girl who is five years younger than I am, a real nosybody and a moocher on top of that. She engages in some disorderly conduct in 2005; I happen to be with her when the incident occurs, and I had to testify against in her in court in 2006. I am planning to move out of the area

cak2135, I commend you for not wanting to marry but hopefully for all the right reasons. I never married either, at least not yet. It boils down to finding the right one and not lowering your very high standards. I have very high standards and it helps me weed out all the Mr. wrongs and potential dangers. There are lovely perks to single life like not having to share your bed or fight over the covers during the night. There's no one to argue with and you can put something down and no it will be there because no one but you is there to move it. There are many much bigger reasons some people just won't marry, all of the ones I'm thinking of our very reasons are very legit reasons. One of those reasons in my particular situation is the fact I happen to be an abuse survivor who barely survived 13 years of life for abuse at the hands of my parents. People may think I'm living in the past when really I'm not. What I'm really doing is living by my commitment to myself that never again means never again. No one will ever touch me again because next time I'll be able to counter the attack. Any adult would abuse a child is nothing but a cowardly bully. I'm not going to be one among many who falls into future abusive relationships, and I'd much rather be alone and risk never marrying them to risk my life and safety to someone who would abuse me sooner or later. I will say that waiting even into your advanced age sometimes pays off. I heard of a couple in their 70s and 80s who married for the first time. Sometimes it just pays to wait.

I'm proud of you for making it as far as you have, keep up the good work.

Unexpected company showing up unannounced is something I personally am totally against and I completely frown on it! What you can do if the person just comes over and walks right in is run them right back out the door and lock it up tight. Explain to them on the way back out the door that you really were not expecting company and you're tired of them just dropping in whenever they feel like it. Normally I personally won't even answer the door if I know I'm not expecting company. Company could come at the worst possible time, and where do you live alone this can be especially aggravating and even angering. I always like to make sure I haven't received any messages before choosing not to answer the door, and my door is normally locked so no one can just walk right in.

* As a very strict rule, people who want to come over must first call or p.m. me and ask if I'm available and if it's OK to come over. It's better to plan together than to have someone planning without working with you.

You could adopt my strategy as your own. If the person who plans to come over leaves a message that they are coming over without clearing it with you, just go lock the door and don't answer. Just don't acknowledge the person on the other side of the door. Just don't reward bad behavior or rather reboard good behavior. If you happen to be caring for someone, you already have enough on your plate without someone making matters worse by popping in anytime they feel like it. What I personally would personally do if I was caring for someone is make it a strict rule that "if you stay you're going to help with the caregiving". The same rule should also apply if they insist on popping over unannounced, especially if you're right in the middle of something such as showering or changing the person you're caring for. If they won't immediately step right up and take responsibility, then you need to run them right back out the door, and lock that door behind them.

My family, except for my sister and two cousins, has it in for me because I did not want to marry. I cut everyone loose and I refuse to attend any events where they will be present

I am dealing with this now. Searching for answers on how to let go of the past and move on. I agree with the person who said that parents play a role in their children not getting along. Mine have been blind to the dishonesty,cheating, lies and stealing. My brother is a sociopath who has been spoiled and praised, and spent a lifetime conning people. I don't trust him further than I can spit.

I also don't think there is enough info given to give much help. I also am skeptical about them "suddenly" showing up---sounds suspicious to me like they're trying to get in good graces with mom/dad. Let them have their time, come back and give us better info. I think ANY help is not necessarily better than NO help--if it comes with demands, or threats, or isn't sincere. Good luck.

Life experiences-I wish you luck dealing with ingrate siblings.My brother put my wife and I through hell when we took care of my mother for 4 years.I wish this on no one,it's exhausting and expensive dealing with people that see dollar signs every time they see their elderly mother or father and feel they deserve their inheritance before they pass on.

If a sibling suddenly starts paying attention to a parent or step parent after years of neglect and is pushing too hard, they usually have an ulterior motive and it isn't forgiveness. I will not deny my sibling's right to visit their father and can't control it as it as he still lives independently. But I'm skeptical on the motives of one of them and as POA, keep close track of Dad's finances. I wish they would bring him dinner. But if we lived together, I would control the timing of it.

My brother was physically and emoitionally cruel to me during my childhood. I once went to a psychic fair more to accompany my friend.
I was sitting there minding my own business when a man asked me if I had a brother that trie to annilate me? The tears rolled down my face
I could not believe he said that. It was the only time I was given any authentication this had happened to me.
He went on to continue to be a pathalogical liar. Our sister that. Did
Not grow up with and had been extremely disabled and POOR promised her He was leaving her two homes, good stock 100,000 dollars
As he was diagnosed with fatal disease.
When he died he had liens on both houses, back taxes he never paid,
No money in bank. She had countrd on this and was so distraught she considered suicide. It took her years to recover. Her anger will never be
Completely healed.
Fast forward a few yrs A.D. I was at another psychic fair. I was talking to a medium she said a good looking blond tall man was stepping forward.
Wanted to talk. I said That would be my brother and i don't really want tbut if i have to fine. He went on to say he felt so bad about what he did that he has not been able to move from this earthly plane. So I had a prayer said to help him move on.
I found it interesting that although the Catholic Church abolished the idea of Purgatory I had first hand knowledge
That it does exist. Not even Catholic..
Sorry this does not help you in your origina Q exactly I had to respond.