My mother whines when she talks to me. "c.a.n.y.o.u. g..i..v..e..m.e.m.y s.y.m..b..i..c..o.r..t?" Very annoying. I tell her to please stop whining & ask me in a mature voice. Is this something I'm expecting of her but she's not able to do. I listen to her talking to her sisters & friends & her voice immediately changes to a normal conversation w/an incredible memory. Not bad for 97..HOW can I deal w/her whining? Is she just doing it to me?
When she talks to my brother over the phone, who lives out of state, she talks normal. He thinks I'm exaggerating when I explain her behavior. I try to ignore the whining as best I can when I can't I just cut my visit short and TRY to remember her brain is broke and I can't FIX IT! Augh!
If they found that fountain of youth, I'd use it on me first!
#1 You are not about to buy a dog because she will fall over the dog and break her leg. That's going to be VERY painful so I know you don't want pain.
#2 The Fountain of Youth theory was found to be unproven YEARS ago and yes, I'd like to be 15 myself, but that is an unrealistic expectation.
For example every Monday the therapy dogs come to visit. When they're gone she whines because I won't get a dog. She wants me to get a dog and bring it to come visit her every day. I don't want a dog and her non-stop whining about it is not going to make me go get one. I really get tired of the broken record every Monday.
Then there is the whining because I won't take her to the dematologist to do something about her wrinkles. She's 87, she's not going to look like she's 20, but she say "why can't I look like I'm 20?"
Wears me out. Wish I knew the answer.
I'm not sure I could figure out a way that it would bother me. If my mom is 97 years old, can see, hear, speak and pronounce Symbocort......I think I might baby her and love doing it.
Sounds like several of you are saying that. Very good idea. Not easily done, but a goal worth striving for. ;)
I disagree with the theory that they do it because they trust us. I think partly they do it because they DON'T trust that anyone will respond efficiently if they use a normal tone. Mom will call me in the whiniest breathiest, I-need-so-much-help-hurry-over voice like she's dying. I'll call her back 30 seconds later and she sounds chipper, brisk, and mature. I say, "You sound fine now," and she'll reply, "Well, I didn't know who was calling." And that's logical to her.
I think another part of the whining is that many in the older generation never learned how to ask for what they needed (perhaps because their parents had no way to provide it, in hard times). So as kids our folks were supposed to suck it up, stand on their own 2 feet, and reject charity.
For the last year, like I would with a child, I try to ignore Mom's behavior that I don't like and model and reinforce the behavior I prefer, and I give Mom the words she can't articulate. For instance, she'll start whining because I clean up a mess on the floor when she wants me to do something else (non-urgent) at that exact moment. I let her whine, then I say (as I would to a close friend), "Or you can say, 'Thanks for noticing that needed doing and taking care of it. I appreciate your help. Can you please do such&such next?' " It's surprised me how quickly she'll respond, "Well, yes, thank you. I do appreciate it." But that doesn't mean she'll remember to do that next time without more practice and repetition, but I'm hearing a lot more thank-yous and I-appreciates than ever before.
I'm also working on trying not to shame her about those behaviors, just let her know there are better ways to handle things next time, and showing those to her. Like when she starts yelling and tantrum-ing over something insignificant. I let her fume, then I say calmly, "Why are you yelling at me? I'm right here. You can just talk to me." At this age, much of what happens won't register in her explicit memory, where she can recall it and use it, but with repetition it can get into her implicit and procedural memory so those preferred responses and behaviors come more naturally to her.
Still, it often seems like one step up and two steps back, but there is real improvement and she's feeling less anxious and frustrated, which is very important for her well-being and mine.
"Teach your parents well, their children's hell will slowly go by..."
youtubewatch?v=EkaKwXddT_I
Why would someone whine.... because they are unhappy. Is there something that can be changed to make her happier? Music in her room? DVDs of her favorite program/music idol/nature program? Adult coloring books/velvet posters?
Or sit down with her face to face and help her to see what she sounds like... but do it totally lovingly.... calmly... or get one of your siblings to sit down and tell her for you...? Record her whining at you, and then record her NOT whining voice at siblings, and play it for her. Or just play the non-whining voice and tell her you know she can do it.
Running out of ideas... but whatever you do, it's got to be done while showing respect. God help you! (Oh yes..... and pray!!!)
And perhaps it has nothing at all to do with you.
Your attachment to her speaking in a certain way may be making life unnecessarily unpleasant for both of you. As 'Zonlangirl' commented above, it's best to focus on what is being said and what is needed rather than the tone of voice.
With consistent effort, we can train ourselves to stop reacting to these annoyances. If you can, find something to be thankful for and switch the negative thought to one of gratitude. This perspective helps us remain emotionally neutral with annoying people.
Keep a smile on your face and a lilt to your voice and compassionately detach from your mother and the buttons she knows all too well how to push. Blessings and good luck to you both.