My wife suffers from some symptoms of dementia including memory loss, confusion and occasional temper outbursts. Just recently, she has added the notion that she is not living at home, even though we've lived in the same house for 17 years here in Texas. Each day, she asks what time we are leaving tomorrow for us to go "home". No amount of discussion on my part will disabuse her of her need to "go home".
I see on chat boards that this is a fairly common problem and it's a frustrating problem for me to wrestle with. Any advice ?
TonyInTexas (from Virginia).
Much later in his dementia, with a lot of training and reading under my belt, here is a conversation we had.
I was cleaning up the kitchen one evening when Coy came walking very unsteadily through the kitchen toward the garage door.
me: Where are you going, Hon?
Coy: I have to catch a bus!
me: (Looking obviously at the clock.) Oh dear! I'm afraid the last bus of the day left a half an hour ago. Where did you want to go?
Coy: (very disappointed) I want to go home! I am so tired and I want to sleep!
me: Well I'm sorry there is no bus. But I know a nice place where you can sleep tonight, and we can check the bus scheduled tomorrow.
Coy: OK
me: Come lean against this counter while I get your wheelchair, and I'll take you there.
As we get to the door of our bedroom
Coy: This looks just like my bedroom at home!
me: Yes, I thought you'd like it.
I help him get ready for bed and give him his night medications. He doesn't wonder at all how his pajamas happen to be there. I kiss him goodnight and finish cleaning the kitchen.
Earlier in his disease I would have scolded him for not using his walker, tried to convince him our garage was not a bus station and/or that he was home. I learned that these were all futile. Getting him what he really needed was much easier on both of us!
Fisherman, I suggest you might try to just go along with her and then redirect her. "I don't think it will be tomorrow, dear. They haven't finished with the street construction yet. But probably by this weekend. Isn't it good that we have this nice place to stay in until they finish? Let's go into that lovely sunroom. I'll make us some coffee."
Having a spouse with dementia is extremely hard. You are doing the right thing by reaching out for information. I wish you the best.
All input and comments are appreciated. This is maddening .... but I do feel very sorry for her.
Thanks, Fisherman,
TonyInTexas (from Virginia)
I feel so helpless.
I'm picturing you and your lovely
wife throughout all the years...
Must be really tough going through this phase if your lives.
Keep coming here for guidance and support from ALL the caring/WISE people!!! They have been a life/heart saver for me amongst my grief and questions!
And has calmed me down enough to be able to reflect on fun/beautiful memories with my parents... even listening to the same story a thousand times I try to soak them I n and just be there for them. I am not constantly wondering why they, and I are going through this painful time. It's not always easy being there and seeing them in assisted living... on those weak days in my mind and heart, I come running to this site and know someone will always be there no matter what time it is !! Doesn't matter what kind of mood I'm in, if I need to vent or share some happy news......SOMEONEis always here and I appreciate that and love them all!
I will be thinking of you every day fisherman!
Smiles, 👍 Hang in there, Bella
I do appreciate all your comments and caring.
Tony
Welcome! Use us as a sounding board, information source and friends in the same situation. My heart goes out to you. It must be awful to watch the decline of your spouse. (Somehow it seems easier to accept when it's your parents.)
About the repetitive questions (when can we go home?) I agree with Jeanne. It is futile to argue or try to "set them straight". Their brains are no longer capable of comprehending. I know it feels like lying but, honestly, it's best for both of you.
Please check into Social Services to see if you could get a respite caregiver to give you time to do things while your wife is looked after. The library (in my area anyway) has a free senior directory for all services for seniors (with and w/o dementia). In many cities there are senior dementia day care services (like a daycare place for kids) that is low cost. You need a break every now and then to keep your sanity. We're here for you.
I know that's not possible but I'm wondering if there might be a collection of experiences of those us who are living through this daily, and how to turn that into help for our loved one. Most of you have dealt with this far longer than me.
"Going home" means different things at different times.. sometimes he is referring to going back to a time when he was healthy and independent.