Dealing with a narcissistic, spiteful Mom. Any advice how to cope?
This is hard to put into words, but my mom shows signs of being a narcissist. (It's always about her, no sympathy for others, etc.) Another odd thing I find about her, and this is really hard to put into words, but she seems to think if it's not happening in her bubble, it's not happening. If I'm not visiting her, then I must be working and nothing else. (Because nothing else should keep me away from her? Other than I have a husband, a house, hobbies, friends?) She tells me what I should be watching on TV, what I should pay attention to in the news (she assumes, because she doesn't see me reading the paper or listening to the news that I'm not doing it?) She constantly accuses me of being negative and nasty. Thing is, if I speak to her for an hour, she will pretty much hold a monologue, and anything I'd get in edgewise she wouldn't listen to. When she talks, it's only about how much the family has disappointed her (I'm the only family she's remained in contact with), how much she is annoyed by her friends, how stupid everyone else is, what's wrong with society, the government, racist things, telling me how much money I should make or pointing out jobs in the paper (like I should get an IT job for the county, and I don't work in IT, and she thinks that I have a bachelor's degree qualifies me for anything aside from being a doctor) that I should pursue and so on. I have come to the conclusion I am someone who she thinks should be her taxi and shopping service, and someone to sit there and talk at. Yes, I mean at, and not to, because she does not listen to a thing anyone says. She latches onto a word or phrase and twists it into whatever she wants it to be. (And it's worse now as she gets more and more signs of dementia, which she is smart enough to fake away at the doctor's.) Every time I finish a call or visit with her I feel totally drained, like the lowest scum on earth, like a huge disappointment, and I'm tired of feeling that way. How do people cope? Some days I can boost myself, or my husband does, and tell myself I do all I can, but I still feel like every time I deal with her I've been put through the wringer.
I am moving out of state to where 2 siblings live close by. By making this move I am leaving 2 siblings who will be living with mom or very close by. She has started outright attacking my character and love for her. I'm 46 last week, and I'm distancing myself but sadly she is 83, yes she kept on having kids!! Now she has started accusing my nephews, her grandsons of horrible sexual things. I can't make her think reasonably. She is really convinced of these bad things happening in her home. These boys are awesome but their mom had a nervous breakdown and has needed the financial support of mom because she's divorced and the father is a deadbeat addict. Soon I'll live away but the feelings of responsibility won't go away. She will call me and make up things to share with me. Oh joy! She claims to be deaf so that way she doesn't have to listen to me. It's a REAL physical condition,oh no, she can't hear. Unless she is eavesdropping on the grandsons. Ok so if anyone has advice on the accusations of sexual acts in public by the boys, which is completely outrageous, I'd appreciate it.
getting my mother into an assisted living really helped. she was very isolated and didn't have anything to occupy her mind besides worry worry worry.
I can so relate to all these stories about our mothers. I wonder what it is with that generation of women and they are so self centered. and they get so much worse when they are older. it is hard to love someone that puts you down but is a sweet little old lady to everyone else.
I am working on myself to remember that my mother may not be with me much longer (even though I think she will live to 100, another 17 years just to spite me!) Ha. I keep talking to myself that she is really just a little old lady now. I'm not a little girl anymore whose mom is narcissistic. it's very hard. it's just very hard. I empathize totally.
I am doing this myself with my mother who recently moved to an IL apartment 3 hours away from me.
You don't say where your mother lives, if alone in her house or in a retirement facility, but if possible, let her social life revolve around the people where she lives and not around you. The fact that she talks AT you and not with you is a definite sign that while she might want you around so she can control you and talk at you, she won't be any worse off if you are around her a lot less.
Control is the key word - control the frequency of visits, control the length of them, control the setting. Don't call before you go to bed because if the convo goes south, you affect your much needed sleep. I used to call every day (Mom's in NH) or every other day, but I'm exhausted and stressed right now so I space it out. My sister and I do a tag team approach so that one or the other calls - right now, she's calling daily to give me a breather as I'm the local kid on call. Ditto on leaving or ending the call if things get unpleasant. Sometimes I think she knows full well what she's doing, other times I things this behavior is so ingrained, they do it out of habit. Remember - you are not responsible for her happiness, she's determined not to be happy and there is nothing you can do to make her happy that's reasonable. The only way to make such a person happy is to do everything they want which means you devote your life to enabling her to have the life she wants for her entire life. Nevermind your spouse, kids, your own health - Mama comes first. It turbos with elderly NPDs because now they have limits, people telling them no and the kids are saying we can only do so much. While they're elderly, we're aging too and our own health issues need our full attention. We have spouses who need more of our attention. Nothing you do will be enough so focus on what you and your family need and tell Mom you are doing what you can and that it has to be enough. Makes Mother's Day tough, doesn't it? But knowing nothing will be enough, I rest easy getting flowers, doing what I can and then taking a nap...
Also, I’ve started just saying, “Well, I’ve got to go shopping/to the post office/to the bank/other legitimate place, so I have to go”. She almost doesn’t notice, and goes on for another ten minutes, but then I just butt in and say, “Okay, well, nice talking with you, take care…”and end the call. It’s a small change, but I never used to do that.
I always have something else to do while talking with her, like surfing (here!) or folding laundry, or getting stuff ready for dinner, or dusting, etc. When I’m not really participating in the conversation (because it’s a MONOLOGUE), I have to have something to occupy my brain or it would explode.
And finally, I just reduced the frequency of the calls, very gradually, and sometimes I just wait for her to call, since her MO is to expect a call from me. Hopefully some of these things will help. I truly know how frustrating it is to have these ‘conversations’ with a narcissist.
There are just some people who are capable of sucking the life force from us. They're called psychic vampires or emotional vampires and you're right, they're exhausting.
When you're on the phone with your mom, in your mind, commit to a length of time that you'll stay on the phone with her and then when you've hit the limit you've set for yourself get off the phone. You don't have to keep listening to her for as long as she wants to talk. You have to protect yourself.
Detach. Realize that your mom isn't going to change, that this is who she is, and refuse to allow her to dump all of that ugliness on you.
Is there a time of day when you know she can't stay on the phone for long? For example, my aunt is a very difficult woman to speak to. All I do is hold the phone and she talks and talks about herself and her family. She lives in AL. So I call her when I know she's about to go down to dinner. It's an escape hatch. I've done my duty by calling her but there's a built-in limit to the call.
Try to take steps that alleviate the effect talking to your mom has on you. Distance yourself emotionally. There's no reason to continue being held hostage to her warped personality. She obviously doesn't care about your feelings so don't worry about possibly hurting hers by doing what you have to do to care for yourself.