In the morning, she is very agitated, with me and has her mind set that i,m trying to put her in a nursing home. I love her and don"t want her in a nursing home. at that time she also also accuses me of being mean and unloveing. It hurts my feelings. How can i take this without getting angry or hurt? what is my best plan of action? she is very persistant with argueing and sharp with the tounge!
Keep in mind that this is the DISEASE talking, not your mother in law. She's got this delusion stuck in her mind. She can't help it. It obviously isn't making her happy either. I know it is very hard but try not to take this personally. If she had a disease that gave her a tic under her eye or made her jerk her shoulders that wouldn't hurt your feelings, would it? Well the delusions are as much a part of her disease as tics and jerks might be part of a different disease.
Try not to argue with her. You cannot reason with a person who is losing the ability to reason. Obviously you are not going to agree with her that you don't love her or tell she is right that you want her in a nursing home. But try not to argue with her either. "Oh Mom, it must make you really sad to think about going into a nursing home. I know that you cannot fully take care of yourself, but that is why you are here, so we can help you and you won't need a nursing home. I am so glad you are here!"
Mention her morning agitation to her doctor to see if there is anything that could help her feel calmer, for her same and yours!
This is not personal, directed against you. It is the disease.
You are doing a fine thing to take care of your husband's mother. I am sorry mornings are so difficult.
I hate seeing the list of drugs and setting up our little pharmacy to fill all of my fathers boxes, but there is not one pill in there that he cannot do without and 3 of them is for his dementia alone!
When it comes to this stage of dementia, you need to watch out for yourself as well. I know this sounds terrible, but if my father were not on his medications and became combative with me, he could really hurt me or even my grand daughter, as we are smaller than he is and when endorphins kick in, he can be even stronger.
Once he gets to the point that we can no longer assist him at home, we will have no recourse but to place him in a home for his as well as our safety.
It's not taking much to irritate him now, but is not "him", it's his mind.
He is actually a much nicer person when he is around people his own age, that have gone through some of the same things he has and he can talk and relate to.
Keep this in mind, before you totally make up your mind and go visit some various different homes. Ask when the last time the were accredited, what the patient to staff ratio is, as well as the turn over rate, then as you see family members of other residents, inquire as to how they like having their loved ones in a particular home. Ratings can be deceiving.
Wishing you the best.
Suzanne
My mom is now more like herself these days...its just about finding the right mix of medications and love. I took mom off all those sleeping meds and only use the lorazepam when it's necessary. She only takes advil pm and tylenol and on occasion lorazepam.
This whole "have the relatives visit and finally believe me" scenario may not be too feasible, but we can dream, can't we? If it isn't, then maybe you could print out a number of the posts on "show-timer's", the ones that are most like your situation, and send them to the in-laws, with an explanation that it must be hard for them to believe you, but this is common with dementia and this is what your mother-in-law is doing when she talks with them.
My most far-fetched idea (we can dream, can't we?) is to set up a videocamera in an inconspicuous spot in the room where you and mil spend the most time and just tape an evening with her, cue it up so it starts at a point the in-laws need to see, and send it to them.