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My 96 yr old mom has lived for 8 months in an ALF that is a small group home. Mom's still got most of her wits and can communicate and for the past few months she's started more and more complaining to me about the food, staff, other residents. The other day I got a desperate phone call that she was starving, not getting enough food and the food was always cold. She begged me to bring her food, which I reluctantly did. The problem is she doesn't tell anyone else how she's feeling. Neither the staff, any of her visiting friends, nor the Hospice personnel see any of her negativity. Only me. When I question the staff, whom I trust, they say she never complains at all, she says "everything is fine...the food is good...I feel fine". I am increasingly upset and anxious that she is only telling me her problems and not the people who could help her, like the staff. I've told her to be honest with the staff but she won't do it. She wants to present this perfect image of herself to others, as she always has, but I feel it's negatively affecting her life at the ALF and there's no need for it. I've just about given up trying to change her "showtiming" ways.

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just manipulation. you cannot change her, just tell her to eat what is put in front of her. if she doesn't, there is always the next meal
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Motherissues, you should take this up with the administration at the ALF - ask them to give you a food diary showing what she was offered and what she ate, if you don't believe what they're telling you. My mother is much the same way - won't tell the staff there's a problem - she tells me instead. Then I go to the staff or the administration and find out that it may only be partly true - Mom can't remember from one meal to the next what she ate - or even IF she ate - so I can't rely on her to tell me the facts.
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With my mother it's always showtime when the doctor or nurse visits. All of a sudden, completely out of nowhere, she'll tell them about some ache or pain she allegedly has that she NEVER mentioned to me or anyone else before. Or alternately, she'll deny something she's been complaining to me about for days.
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Mother issue my mum does this ALL the time. To the doctor she is angelic sweet natured not ill not in any pain at all. He walks out of the door and it starts. My knees hurt, my feet are cold, my mouths sore, Im constipated (or the other way) I have a headache - had it for weeks, the list goes on. Will she mention it to the doctor - absolutely not.

If she has any issues at all I am expected to deal with them - like yeah of course Mum I will just write you a prescription for that!!!!! To be fair she has always been a bit that way but she wouldn't dream of telling a doctor - I have to. Then when I do she says - oh its not that bad....last time she said it I lost my cool a little and said well it was half an hour ago so what has changed in the last 30 minutes. One of us is not telling the truth and it isn't me!

Well of course the doctor then thoroughly examined her and there was absolutely nothing wrong - this time. However this is not the time for Peter and the Wolf - one day it might be for real and I would hate to think I had ignored her so we have to go on the way we are, taking the best steps we can to ensure that all is well in the world. Good luck with that! I would just speak to the staff ask them for the reality tell them what has been said - confirm it with an email - so you have a trail if you need it and then let it go sweetheart. oh and breathe!
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If my mother was my child I would know she was pressing my buttons and even now I am not sure she isn't. I am so angry right now that I am writing on here rather than hitting a wall which is what I would like to do but the pen is mightier than the sword so I write instead, For the last 5 years my mother has had for breakfast cereal with milk and without sugar; fruit juice (up until about 2 years ago since when she decided she didn't like fruit juice) a cup of tea: her meds: and either toast or toasted fruit loaf two slices.

Now I know I pissed her off yesterday because (a) lordy me I dared to suggest that people who had never known who their parents were for whatever reason and who are then reunited with them have , for the first time fitted in the last piece of the jigsaw to their lives thus far ( I am adopted, Mum refuses to discuss it and has burned all the papers relating to it transfer cert, birth cert - the lot) and (b) I refused to write 200 Christmas Cards to people on her address list who haven't called or visited in the last year.

So today she has refused the toasted tea loaf, only eaten half the breakfast cereal and tipped the tea into a wicker basket (and hence all over the carpet). I don't want to eat, I might as well be dead, oh woe is me. Sorry guys after being up 5 times last night for my third night of sleep deprivation, after constant criticism for 5 years I snapped.

While writing this we have had a full on argument:: her playing the martyr:- You know I can't go to the toilet on my own; you know I need you to do a b c d e f g h as she ticks them off on her fingers; all the while the glint in her eye tells me, and it does tell me, she knows exactly what she is doing. This is dependency personality disorder at its premium and I am having none of it today. Today I am fighting back. I have told her I will put on her maximum incontinence pad, put her back to bed since she had such a restless night and is too tired to do anything, then I am going out for an hour. Where am I going, who am I going to see, What am I going for? Cant I come too. None of your business and no.

I think I can say if I don't get this hour then I will lose it altogether so if you want to say I am wrong bad or other please know that this time I am being narcissistic and I don't care what anyone thinks of me.
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Great comments. Thanks to all. I feel like the alf staff and hospice staff think I'm making this stuff up when I mention mom's issues to them because she always presents herself as having no problems when they are around!
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A good geriatric psychiatrist can see the underlying anxiety even when no behavioral symptoms exist. I got into it with an hospitalist when my mom was admitted for the third time in a month for unexplained high blood pressure. Told the doctor I thought that in part it must be driven by anxiety. " but your mom doesn't seem anxious" (no, she's in the hospital, you great idiot, where everything is fine). Trust, be mom is anxious about EVERYTHING. I asked if she had a better explanation for what was going on, and she didn't , so we got mom meds. Things got much calmer.
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I don't know if it will help but my mother-ini-law has been living with us for 5 and 1/2 years now and her memory is getting really bad. When she acts out she starts kicking and pinching my wife to the point of bruising her. PT and OT staff and the doctors wouldn't believe what was going on because she was always the nicest person when they would come around. Finally, when she started acting up, we video taped the episode on our phones to have a record of what was going on. Then we could show the doctor or PA or whoever we were dealing with and they could make a better diagnosis because they could see things first hand. Turn the record on your phone and set it on the counter when you visit.
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Wow, this could be my own Mother you are talking about. She also always makes me out to be the bad guy, even though I visit regularly and go with her to doctor appointments. Tells the staff I'm picking on her when I encourage her to get out of her bed more or join more activities
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Yeah, its pretty bad when the hospice nurse doesn't seem to believe it when I tell her that my mom is acting anxious, upset and in pain because whenever the hospice nurse is around her mom says everything is okay. So it makes me look like I'm trying to get my mom drugged up for no reason. Just within the last few days, however, mom has really taken a downturn and now she seems to be complaining to everyone about everything and not just to me. So maybe that's what happens when things are in the final downward slide. I feel for you, I really do. This is like a nightmare that none of us caregivers can seem to wake up from and none of us knows how long we will be experiencing this horrible no win situation.
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