Hello all. This forum is saving my skin. Have a very demanding mom who is going to be 94 this month. She insists on living in her own place, a county away, then incessantly whining that no one cares about her. During the pandemic, I made and brought her food, visited, spent quality time with her. I made 10 visits in the last three months on my day off, and it has burned me out to a crisp. She can never get enough. Instead of being grateful, she demanded more, and said, "I'm not dead yet. All you want is my money." This could not be farther from the truth. I was stunned and hurt- although this is how she has treated me all her life. A narcissist to the core. I blocked her from my phone at the recommendation of my therapist for 30 days. Her unkind behavior has turned into abuse. It has provided me with respite but I feel very guilty about not talking with her. I know if I give in, I will start back up her abusive behavior. Has anyone dealt with this? Advice would be very much appreciated. Thanks.
Congratulations that you have a therapist and have set some boundaries. I'd continue to work with that until you can let go of any lingering issues.
I'd also consider that even with with NPD seniors can develop dementia. When they do, they have the symptoms of dementia like other people in that they lose judgment and memory. I'd wonder if that has happened to your mother. With NPD, sometimes, it's difficult to tell. They are already have no appreciation or empathy for others.
Is there someone who can check on your mother and see if she is okay or perhaps in need of intervention due to cognitive decline? Perhaps a neighbor, family friend, pastor, social services, etc. could check on her regularly and that way, you don't have to feel worried about her. I'd try to keep my distance. I hope you can continue to move in such a positive direction. I'll look forward to seeing your post about the progress.
Stand firm - it must stop once and for all or there will be severe repercussions - and be prepared to follow through.
Have you tried to explain to her what you are thinking and feeling? For the pushy types, it may have to be said strongly and repeatedly, but clear communication is needed. Often we show that we are annoyed but self-centred people are unable to figure out why. It is good to model a better way of speaking with kindness, patience, generosity. Even when they don't "deserve" it. Think how much patience, kindness and forgiveness others have given to us when we didn't deserve it. (Sure, we could have benefitted from more of that from our mothers, but it has instead been provided elsewhere for us via other people.)
If we choose a good day when we feel calm and able to speak well - firmly, clearly but kindly - we can tell our dependees things like:
"I'm glad to continue helping you with things that you need, but I feel you are ungrateful and keep asking for more. I do have other things I have to do in my life and I'm feeling worn out. I do care about your wellbeing, which is why I help you out lots (don't be tempted to list what you do, this can backfire!) If you are able to co-operate and if you speak respectfully, I can continue to care for you. But I really need you please to stop complaining and to realise that I cannot be always available as soon as you want me. If I can have some peace and not be called upon so often, I will come with more energy and enthusiasm when you really do need help."
I have been afraid to get in-home help with Covid. My area has not begun to “peak”. But I intend to follow some of the advice in this thread, to get help a few hours a day, 4 or 5 days a week, as soon as It seems safe.
Also... one poster mentioned a few simple phrases to say to an unappreciative, demanding parent. My experience at this point in the journey is that saying short simple sentences does help MY frame of mind. Reminds ME what I am doing and why. But my impaired mother does not remember the rational sentences... however the feeling of disappointment and anger she feels when I say this stuff DOES LAST. And her feelings last longer than they would if I just didn’t explain in the first place. So now, I usually just say “ yes, I know it is hard. I am sorry you feel bad (worried, scared, angry, disappointed, whatever)”. And continue with my plans for the day.
sorry for long and rambling reply!
I merely informed my mom that there will be no further contact until she is prepared to behave with respect towards me. It took about four months for her to come around.
Sometimes she reverted back to her old ways and there is no contact with her for a week. She now behaves when a warning is given that this behaviour is no longer acceptable.
I too was in therapy at the time and that was the therapists advice which I am glad I obeyed. It was tough but worth it.
Have experienced the demands for more and more myself.
Now, you owe it to yourself to follow your therapist's timely advice.
Or, what are you paying for? You must have needed this protection, or it would not have been advised. So, no guilt needed.
When the 30 days are up, block your phone some more, or get a new number. imo.
P.S. I have always thought an explanation to the narcissist would be nice, but it just does not work at all, imo. Ask your therapist.
Your Mother is living her life her way, by her own choices (good or bad). It's her life to steer as she will (unless in the future someone becomes her legal Guardian).
That's where I am with my relative. She will not move into AL (that was deemed necessary by medical professionals), will not appoint a POA. Doctor advised me NOT to help her. At all. To wait for a crises then let HER choose her path from whatever real options are available at that time. (Most likely is transfer to the first available NH bed).
I used to feel guilty that I could not steer her to better plan but now am at peace with it. Her lack of planning will decide the plan. This is what SHE is chosing for herself.
write a plan that is what you can and want to do to help - what is a reasonable amount to do - stick to it and feel good about it - don't let her or anyone else guilt you in to doing more ( unless you want to)
So no more guilt -