My mom died last week at age 94. And I keep replaying the last few months of her struggle. Mostly she was out of it and sleeping or dementia, etc. But at times when she was awake I could see how scared she was and we both cried. I don't know how to deal with the fact she was scared and in pain and dying. I keep replaying it in my mind trying not to forget, and trying to understand it and deal with it. My mother was a sweet passive person and it hurt to see her withering away. One minute she was fine the next minute pneumonia, dementia, kidney failure, right over the cliff. And I can't seem to justify it or understand it at all. I ask her forgiveness because I tried to keep her alive as she was in assisted living, 2 hospitals, nursing home and then hospice. I did everything I knew how to do, but her body just was shutting down. And it doesn't help that I had no family to help me. Thanks for your help everyone!
I also see family members of other patients that are no longer with them come into the facility and visit with patients, read to them, do their nails, hair and just chat a bit. Since you were always there for your mom, perhaps you could do something like that also for others. So many have no one. You can see their eyes light up when someone visits for even the briefest of time. Also, there is a senior center here that has volunteers come in and teach or help them with arts and crafts. I plan to donate a lot of my moms quilt fabric to them since some are quilters. Also meals on wheels always needs help here.
Take time to grieve but, also to remember the good times. Perhaps helping others will help ease the grief and loneliness.
You have lost the person that your life pivoted around so thinking of yourself as a boat & your mom as your anchor - that anchor is lost & for a while the open sea will be a combination of calm days & windy days but eventually you will find a new harbor that maybe you won't anchor in but tie up to the wharf -
Your therapy is your GPS to help find a new direction in life - when you find a harbor just remember it is not the only one & you may need to go to several before you find the best FOR YOU
You have a lot on your plate learning the new normal of you life without her there - your daily rhymes are going to be changed & the extra time will hang heavy at times - think of your kind mom & would she want you too depressed ... NO because she loved you, so the best thing to do to honour her memory is go forward with your life in contentment -
You can miss her but also think of so many whose parents died young & you have so many years of love & memories from her that others were denied - so try to think of it as counting a blessing not just your loss as hard as that could be
I'm going through now with my mom and it's not easy. The dementia comes and she becomes a different person. Cursing and combative, wanting to leave and go home when there's no home. Yet when she's in her right frame of mind she thanks me for all I do. She tells me how much she loves me and appreciate what I do. I'm sure your mom felt the same way towards you. As for family not being there I understand that too. That's what made you stronger and you are a special person. It takes someone special to do what we do. So be encouraged and live in peace, she's not in pain anymore.
Sincerely
BMC962
As Golden wrote don't make any big changes for the first year. That gives you time to reset your memories.
Cry when you need to there is no shame in that and the tears can be very cleansing.
I would not rush out to get a job that would be difficult untill the wounds begin the heal. When you feel up to it a little volunteering may be helpful.
If you love animals they could be a great comfort to work with. Perhaps you don't feel like facing the world yet so you don't need to. You can help a not for profit by stuffing envelopes at home. Don't be in hurry to get rid of Mom's belongings. Take it slowly and do a little at a time.
Moving may be a good idea when you feel strong enough if you have friends and family in the new location.
Do you have neighbors who could use your help? Perhaps do some shopping and stay a few minutes when you deliver them. Make a cake for someone and something for yourself. Not feeling like eating is also normal, but try and not loose too much weight. Get things like nutritious drinks if you don't feel like cooking. You will find many friends here who are ready to talk and provide a virtual shoulder to cry on.
You may enjoy the "Whine thread" or caregivers cats behaving badly. Everything does not have to be serious1 Blessings.
What you are experiencing is normal grief. I agree that replacing the memory if the last images of your mother with something happier helps. Generally it is considered wiser to wait at least a year before making any big changes like moving. You need to process your grief without introducing something else major to deal with.
When I lost my youngest son years ago, I put my fave photo of him in the wall where I could easily see it and whenever those last images came, I looked at the photo. It helped. That loss of purpose will pass in time. I had three other children, but felt no purpose for a while. It is part of grieving.
Give yourself time, cry when you need to, talk with those who understand, journalling can help, meet with friends, as you feel comfortable doing so, so you can get some hugs, look up the stages of grief to help you understand what is happening to you.
There is no easy way around it. Look after yourself - stay hydrated, eat properly, a little exercise is good... and keep coming back here and tell us how you are. doing. More (((((((hugs))))))
I hear you. I am in the same shoes. Asking the same questions. After caring for my dad for so long, I still don't know what to do. I think I still need to let my mind accept the loss of his passing. I'm not there yet.
Everyone is so different. And what works for one person might not work for another. Continue to be kind and gentle with yourself. Focus on the basics for now. Eating enough, sleeping well and maybe even going for a short walk.
Friends and family have gently suggested I take courses from painting, to cooking, possibly traveling, volunteering, adopting a dog or cat. And so far I've said no to everything. I'm just not ready. My mind is not ready. I'm just trying to get through this first year without my dad.
I'm so sorry for your pain and sorrow. Please know you are not alone.
Don't mail it.
Look at it one week from now, make it shorter. She lost her mother too?
Send it.
Some of the hardest grief to recover from is unforgiveness. Do the work to forgive, and set yourself free.
No judgment here.
Again, sorry for your loss.
I feel like everything you did, you did from your heart, from love, and your intent was pure. You were trying to help your mom, and she knew it (and still does).
There was a point in which there was nothing you could have done, as her body was just worn out. But you stayed by her side, and that's what counts. She raised a caring, compassionate daughter and I really hope you can direct some of that compassion toward yourself. It's something I struggle with too, but it helps to remind yourself of this.
Please try not to beat yourself up over this, I know, easier said than done but you did all you could and you stuck with her. She did know it. Sometimes all we can do is let them go and wish them well. I have had to do this with my dad, so I know how that feels.
You did everything you knew how to do, you are right, and that in and of itself makes you a very special kind of person, the kind that we all wish we knew, were, or aspire to be. Your mom was lucky to have you, and don't think for one minute she didn't know that or appreciate it. When I lost my dad it was within weeks of finding out he had a terminal illness. I barely had time to get used to the fact, but after he passed I told myself that each day, in some small way I would do something to honor him, and I do that. It's been 18 years now. You are reaching out and sharing your story, and even though this is hard to believe, I have found some measure of comfort in your courage, your story, and knowing that I'm not the only one going through this. I am sad for you too, yes, and I felt that in your post.
One day at a time and be compassionate with yourself, it's a process, but know that your story has helped me and you've honored your mother today by sharing it. I wish you well!
Grieve for the loss of that sweet lady and remember the good times. And always remember the major contribution you made for her!
So sorry for your loss.
The first advice given by Pamstegma about redirecting your thoughts may help you, after you have grieved a little while.
Come back after visiting your Moms grave, we will still be here for you.
So many have losses, have been alone, have been a part of this community even years after the loss of their loved one.
You will always be welcomed here.
I am so sorry you lost your dear Mother.You are an awesome daughter to give her all the good care you did for so long.Peace be with you in the days ahead{{{Hugs}}} Lu
As humans, we're peculiar in our ability to understand that death must come to everyone. But we're never ready to lose those we love, and it's always too soon.
I'm so sorry for your loss. My deepest sympathies and condolences on the passing of your cherished mom. I know it hurts. And its only natural and normal to think back on months and weeks leading up to her passing. I had the same questions after my dad passed. Its so hard.
You did so much for your mom. Its a terrible shock. You had gone through so much with her and naturally you expected her to recover and carry on. And to see her suffering in hospice was not easy.
Everything you are feeling is natural and normal. Please be kind and gentle with yourself. Grief is overwhelming. 5 months after my dad's passing I still struggle with his final months, weeks and days. I still think back to that last day he was alive. I didn't realize it was going to be our last day together and I hate myself for being so impatient with him. Its hard. I'm still taking it day by day.
Please know you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. Thinking of you. Sending you lots of love and hugs during this difficult time.
My Dad was 95 when he passed, and it seemed like within a couple of weeks he went from feeling pretty good to going on a downward spiral. For my Dad it was aspiration pneumonia. In my Dad's case, he was ready to part company with this earth as he had missed my late Mom, who passed the year before.
We are unable to change the course of events when it comes to medical situations, they are what they are. When one is in their 90's, they had lived a very long full life. The body just starts wearing down. Throw in some dementia, and that tends to hasten the final journey.
For my Dad, when he was in Hospice, I told him while he was in a coma state "Dad, go see Mom, I will be ok. You taught me a lot, especially with home repairs, I know every tool in the toolbox and how to use it... thank you so much". He passed early the next morning.