55 years died in Dec. of 2021. Now I am trying to learn how to live without the one I can almost not bear to live without. My weekly ZOOM grief meeting is helping me tremendously and I am so grateful to have their love, caring and sharing.
Now I need more help and advice. I have just learned a new term. It's called "anticipatory grief." In early Jan. of 2022 my daughter learned that she has stage 4 metastasized breast cancer and was given a life expectancy of 4 years. Now it is one year later and the medical protocol that she has been under does not seem to be working so her team is looking for new methods and they have advised her to do the same.
My daughter and I understand what may happen in the next few years and we want to prolong her life as long as possible. I live in a small converted two car garage in her backyard. Her husband and her 6 year old daughter and her 2 1/2 year old identical twin boys live in the big house in the front yard. My grandkids are my necessary medicine. Their hugs and kisses bring joy to my heart. They lighten the overwhelming grief that I often feel.
My questions to you wonderful readers are what can I do to help lighten the burden that my daughter lives with everyday. I am 84 years old but in relatively good health and reasonably physically fit. I can babysit with the boys in front of the tv and watch them play in the house or in the yard. I can even run around the yard with them but only for short periods of time. I can make lunches and snacks for them, especially ice cream (home made with a vitamix machine.)
What can I do for my daughter? The medical situation has to be taken care of by my daughter and her husband with whatever input financial and other help that they want from me.
I can give some financial help and I am thinking along the lines of in house care givers, take over the cleaning of the house, laundry, etc. It is unbelievable how much laundry the boys create on a daily basis. I know because I have spent hour folding socks, etc. What am I missing? What is important to improve the quality of life for my daughter? What is necessary and what is not so necessary? It is hard for my daughter to talk about this but we do even though it breaks our hearts.
I know that many of you have lived through this dilemma, this tragedy, and may have ideas that may help me and my daughter. When my wife was diagnosed with Alzheimers Disease I tried to learn as much about it as possible but I was probably always falling short. I learned patience and perseverance and was pretty good with those but I never was as good as I would have liked to have been with empathy. Having my loved one die in my arms after spending a month on hospice in our home and in our bed was traumatic. You don't learn this stuff in school. Now I am going to be confronted with this again with my daughter.
Shortly after she was diagnosed with this terminal cancer she asked me if I would help her husband to raise her daughter and the boys and to help them remember her to them as they grew. I said of course I would do that and I set a goal of living to be 100 only if she would make me a birthday party with our family. It will be remarkable if I can make it to 100 but I have changed my diet and added exercises and lost over 30 lbs. and now she has to, and her medical team, perform a miracle and get her to live for 16 more years. If she and her team can do that then I think her cancer will have been cured. It is my dream, my hope that this can and will happen.
What can I do that might make her life a little easier, a little more comfortable, take away some of the stress and strain of this devastating disease?
Thank you for reading my post and I look forward to what ever advice you can give me.
Sincerely,
phaT1paTch
You mean so much to your daughter and I am sure the way you took care of her mother also means so much to her. God bless you. I am sorry that you are dealing with this. To have a father like you is a great blessing not everyone has. I will keep you in prayer and your daughter.
As difficult of a discussion this is I think talking to her and telling her (strongly suggesting..as you really can't TELL anyone to do something) that she and her husband need to set up an appointment with an Attorney to make sure all their papers are in order. Setting up trusts for the kids, making sure that if worst case scenario occurs that things will be easier for her husband.
And you can begin some leg work/phone work for her.
Look for resources that can help her.
American Cancer Society
Susan G Komen (this is specific to breast cancer)
both of these organizations may have programs that can help. They may provide volunteer that can drive her to appointments. They have Support Groups. They may have Volunteers that can do housework on occasion.
The other difficult thing she needs to do is IF she wants help, she needs to say something. She will have friends that will say "If you need help let me know" if she needs something she needs to say something.
I have often said the 2 most difficult thing about caregiving or being a care recipient is 1) Asking for help 2) Accepting help.
As a rule people do not want to "beholden" to others or we don't want to put someone out so we do without.
And important here...don't forget to care for yourself as well.
Side note again...I do hope she is honest with the kids as difficult as that might be.
I am sorry about your daughter as well, and it looks as though the doctors are telling you that we have used up what things we have for stage IV with metastasis at this time. Nothing can now be predicted in terms of time your girl has left. This seems like an impossible burden at this time.
You mention socks! There you go. That's something you can do. And while you remain open to discussing the harsh realities also be certain that there is JOY because your girl is LIVING now, not dying. She is alive and with you in every way she ever was. So remember to have time for laughter, good food, things she loves. Let her make her own decisions with her husband, as you have mentioned, and be there.
The answer of what can you DO? That is best answered by your girl. She will let you know. Remind her you want to help. Let her know you are there for her. She has, it sounds like, wonderful support.
You mention being there for the grandchildren and that is wonderful. It would be such a comfort to them. I want you somewhere in the back of your mind to understand also that should your son in law lose his wife, he is likely to remarry more quickly than you imagine. Discuss this with your grief group. Men aren't great at being alone. They need companionship and your son in law may want to replace for his very young children, a Mom they have lost. That is for them to discuss if they wish to, but it happens, so keep straight in your own mind that you recognize THAT fact as well. And remain the good support, the family member anyone can come to.
Be open to discussing everything, but don't FORCE discussion of things that your daughter doesn't wish to discuss. Be guided by her in what she is ready for.
Again, I am so very sorry. You are not alone. Reach out to any support groups you can think of.
My kids gave me a subscription to Storyworth (storyworth.com). It's a site where you write your memoir, and they provide prompt questions a couple times a week to give you ideas on what to write about. You can write about anything, though -- your life, what it was like raising your daughter, anything. At the end of a year, the stories are printed in a bound book, and you can buy additional copies if you like.
I received this for Christmas, and I've already written about 50 pages of my book. I've written very little about just my life, because frankly, my life has been pretty dull. However, the prompts so far have led me to write about my parents and grandparents, libraries (a chapter of my own making), an entire chapter on kindness, about the places I've lived, and about vacations I've taken. It's really been wonderful, and as my own great-grandmother wrote a similar memoir, I know that what seems to me to be boring won't be to my grandchildren -- if I ever get any.
You could do Storyworth with your daughter. Reminisce about family memories, and get them down on paper or make a video of the two of you talking. Those kids will treasure knowing about their mother's childhood and yours as well.
As far as practical help, ask her if getting a housekeeper in to do the laundry each week would help. I know laundry is exhausting to do when you have a house full of small kids. I had three of my own, and it was an endless job. A housekeeper to do the whole house every other week might be nice, too, but it can also be intrusive if they take hours and hours to do it. I had a housekeeper come in just once after I had surgery years ago, and while they did a fantastic job, they were there for seven hours. That was absurd. It's better to teach kids to put their things away and have chores to help out.
One friend gave her kids a vacuum for Christmas. They went nuts and fought over the chance to use it, and she said she had the cleanest house in the world until the novelty wore off months later. Then she took over with the vacuum she always wanted. Brilliant!
Another thought is to get one of those robot mop/vacuum machines. My son and daughter-in-law have one, and they run it every day just to keep up with the dog hair. They aren't cheap -- about $1,000 -- but as they both work full-time, it keeps on top of the dust, hair, and slobber marks on their floors.
Most of all, be an empathetic ear to both your daughter AND her husband. He's really going to need someone to lean on. My brother-in-law is dealing with his wife's stage IV colon cancer, and I can see how much he leans on my husband (his brother) for support. Don't forget the ones doing the heavy lifting, because you were recently that one, too.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/i-asked-many-questions-while-my-wife-and-i-lived-with-her-alzheimers-any-advice-for-me-about-my-daug-478214.htm
I hope the forum members will pipe in with more useful suggestions for you today.
My advice is to speak to your daughter & ASK her what she would like from you in terms of help? Then proceed to do what's within your power TO do for her, but not what isn't.
You are a good & kind dad and an amazing grandfather, I am certain. I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved wife, and pray that your daughter has many more years to enjoy with you and her family here on Earth. God bless you.