My mom is at home in hospice (end stage cancer) The social worker suggested going to the funeral and doing prearranging as it would be a bit easier earlier than closer to the time. Made sense, and I did. As time gets closer I (mom's only caregiver other than those we pay) cannot even imagine going through the ordeal of it all. I feel I've taken care of my mom with no support (not even emotional) from anyone who would be at this funeral. My brother (who lives in another state and has no relationship with mom and never did) says it is for closure for those left behind. I will be THE ONLY ONE LEFT BEHIND!!! And a funeral will certainly not give me any closure.My mother had no close relationships with anyone who would be there. To hear all that "sorry for your loss" I wonder sometimes why do I have to put myself through that. As someone said to me: everyday of my life is my eulogy to my mom. Someone else said: You are giving her the flowers while she is alive. What do others think? If you think I need to do this Please help with the motivation part.
One of the nicest funerals I went to was a graveside service conducted by a man's two daughters. There were maybe 6 of us all all together, each sister spoke for a few moments about her memories of her dad and a grandchild said a blessing. The casket was lowered, and as is the Jewish custom, we shoveled in the earth. Would something like that, for you and YOUR friends work for you?
As an example. Sis' boyfriend accidentally killed their unborn 9 month old baby. Sis was about to give birth that month when the baby died taking a bullet that would have killed my sister. We were all shocked and had to deal with inner fightings among us siblings because the cop told us that sis still wants her boyfriend in her life. And that we must honor our sister's decision. Some of us wanted to kill the boyfriend. So, we all hated him. On the day of the baby's funeral/burial, HIS parents had the nerve to complain that the coffin was plain and that we served Finger Food. (See, our custom is an all-out funeral. Catering, large tents, foldable chairs, etc... Real food set out like a buffet table with over 10 varieties of food). HIS parents had the nerve to complain when it was Their son who killed that baby, and they did not even offer to help with any of the funeral expenses -not the flowers, not the food, not the coffin. Nothing. And they complained because we had a very, simple funeral. Emily, I don't think you will run into this kind of problem. It would be nice if we can bypass all this hoopla when it's dad's funeral for many years to come.
So, I have thought about what I will do when she passes. Sometimes I think I would like for sibs to have some sort of service. But then I wonder if I will even want to go and reopen the wounds I have due to denial by other family members. At this moment in time I do not think I would go.
About a year ago I lost my SO and best friend, he had been quite sick for awhile. They had a graveside service, I wouldn't even call it a service, only a dozen or so people were in attendance. I was not one of them as I had to continue care for mom and the burial was about 800 miles away.
Do what you think would be best for you considering what Mom's wishes would be. She may not want a funeral, many don't, I don't.
Laying your mother's earthly remains to rest will be the last service you will need to give her. It can be as simple as you like, secular or religious according to your mother's beliefs or none. No invitations, no post-ritual entertainments, no speeches. Just see to it that her body is decently treated. Tell the funeral directors that that is what you want, and if they demur they are unprofessional and you should choose another firm.
Leaving it undone, though… Forget about closure for you - if only it were that simple - this is closure, finality for your mother. It's a task that will have to be done one way or another; and seeing as you've done everything else for her I think, in the long run, you'll feel more at ease if you've completed that role.
If it's the plans you've already made that you can't face, go back to the funeral directors and tell them how you're feeling. They should assist you in changing the arrangements and they shouldn't make a fuss about it.
I know what my parents wishes are, even though it doesn't make sense at this point in time due to their very advanced age and with pretty much all the nieces and nephews are in their senior years plus the travel distance involved.
My mother would Never discuss anything with me about it before she got ALZ, so I purchased cremation for her. My siblings are the only ones left and they dont even see a reason for an obituary. Why bother with a stone even?
The only thing I deal with in my head is the "what will people think" thing because I dont want to do Anything and feel like it is showing lack of respect.
Now as far as my father being a WW2 POW, I scheduled a cremation and vet ceremony for him.... talk about mixed feelings :P
The funeral home is holding her ashes until I'm ready to take them to scatter where she wished, in her former home town ... I'd find it too creepy to have them in the house until then. We were never close at all so I'm not grieving, just feeling kind of weird, like an orphan somehow, which is silly. No doubt that feeling will ease once the ashes have been scattered.
Personally I'm not religious but I believe the spirit goes on and the body, worn out, is no longer needed. Unless your mother has made her wishes known, go with whatever you feel best about.
I am also from the "what will the neighbors think" school of through drilled into me by my parents, especially my Mom.
Funerals are for the living, but by that time any goodbyes they wish to offer is too late; the person is already gone. My feeling is that, unless there was an accident and accidental death, people and relatives have had ample time to express their concern and assist the caregiver. Failing that, I don't care what they want or say.
I understand the concern about "what people will say", but so what? If they weren't around when the person was alive, they have absolutely no standing to make any comments whatsoever.
I also find it offensive for people to come to funerals and blather on about how much they cared for the deceased person. If they did, where were they when he or she really needed help?
There also were people she had worked with on a volunteer basis, such as those from the Big Sisters organization, including several young people who told me how much they had been influenced by my sister's involvement. I was completely unaware she had even been involved with that organization.
So that was very therapeutic and consoling for me to learn that there was a part of her life that provided so much hope for the people with whom she worked.
And came up with the best solution.
Mom wanted to be cremated and buried in the backyard. She had last rights from the Catholic Church a week before she died and was aware of what was going on. I had her cremated. I created a small garden in my backyard. I mixed mother's ashes into the dirt when I was alone saying prayers and singing her favorite hymns. I planted a magnolia tree and azalea bushes. The tree is evergreen and the azaleas bloom all year with pink flowers.
A month later, all my children and grandchildren came to town. We invited my husbands family, neighbors, our Doctor, and my closest friend. We had a celebration of life at a local restaurant. I made memory cards, guests wrote down their favorite memory, and we saluted my mother while a slideshow played that I created. I also wrote thank you notes to each family telling them how they touched my mother's life. We had a wonderful time, and it was better than any funeral I had ever attended.
I also have a tiny bag of ashes left to distibute on the Las Vegas Strip at her request. Do what is in your heart. We did not even have enough people to be pall bearers. Do not go into debt to please other people. The only pushback I had was from my husband's family. Everyone who attended our celebration loved the way I handled it.
I would go online and research the costs of funerals. You say you have already made arrangements. Did you sign a contract? I would revisit it. There are so many extras you are charged for. If you are paying out of your own pocket, I would seriously revisit the prices. Immediate burial is much less expensive. There are many costs that are just not necessary.
I had the same questions. I am the DPOA and only person left for my cousin. I was her DPOA and have done all things for her since her dementia diagnosis.
Besides me and my parents, most everyone in her family is dead or very elderly, disabled and/or not able to get out of their house. Her best friend and a couple of younger distant cousins who are able bodied dropped off the face of the earth after the dementia diagnosis and never called or sent one thing to help. It's just me and my parents left who visit and do everything for her.
I have two brothers, but it's not easy for them to take off work for a second cousin's funeral. I see no point in a full fledged funeral for 3 people to attend. I decided to have an immediate burial and then have a prayer of recognition later on. Granted, it is likely to be just us three and the minister.
Something else that I have decided to do right after her passing is to prepare a photo album with photos from her life, graduation cards, small mementos, etc., I'll set up a nice table with the book, candles and pictures of her favorite hobbies. I'll let the Memory Care unit staff know, as I think they would be the only people to show up. We'll have refreshments, a display of her photo album and pictures, play her favorite music and have some lovely flowers. We can discuss her life and remember her then. That sounds like something she would really love.
I think you can make your own tribute in a way that will properly honor the deceased loved one.
Sometimes simplest is best but each family needs to decide. One of the things to consider is who will attend a funeral. When folks reach the advanced age that my folks have there may not be many people left. For example, all my folks brothers and sisters preceeded them in death. Mom and Dad had spent the last years living here with me and never really developed a network of local friends. Some people say a funeral is a closure for those remaining. I would say we all experience closure in our own way. Some need the support that a funeral can provide others don't. Who's to say there is a right or wrong way. It's our memories of our loved ones while they are alive that we will hold dear.
My bil wants to be cremated and his ashes put on a river that goes into the sea. As his own family can't be bothered to stay in touch I shall have a cremation with the people who help me with his care.
He loved all things Viking so I've had a wooden ship made by a friend, I made the sails. When the time comes because I'm too disabled to manage alone, a friend who helped with his care will take me to a river we've selected.
Mac's ashes will go on the boat along with a couple firelighter sticks.
My friend does archery and he'll send a burning arrow onto the boat.
I told Mac while he was still lucid and he was thrilled that we would send him to "Valhalla."
I will have outlived the important people in my life so I've requested a no funeral.
Just burial in a bamboo coffin (no embalming) in the New Forest next to my SO with a Rowan tree planted instead of a headstone.
If friends want to do "something" I've asked them to bring a picnic to the New Forest and rather than eating their own picnic, everyone share together. An "Agape" feast in my memory.
If people want to have flowers then I've asked them to donate to the Woodland Trust and buy a tree in my memory.
For me a much better use of the money.
So do what you feel is the right thing to do and don't spend a minute worrying about what other people think.
For myself, I would prefer to be cremated and not have a funeral. I would rather get the flowers and love while alive... I would not want someone at my funeral "grieving" when they did not give me love or support in life.
I'm not going to any of it. I've made all the arrangements, I've been grieving for the last seven months, and I need to be done. I've told everyone, for years, that I'm not going to my own service, I'm not going to anyone else's. Dad agreed.
LadeeC
After all you have given I would prefer to think you are in a spa getting a little me time than standing at attention while a bunch of people who have not called you in a year tell you how sorry they are for your loss.
I miss my Dad terribly, after a couple of years of hating a lonely Father's Day, this year I picked up mom, took flowers to the cemetery and took her to a new restaurant. While Dad was alive - that was his thing - he always wanted to try the latest place - not fancy, just new. We did something he would have liked in that we honored him.
Best of luck