Anyone ever decided to just not have a funeral for their loved one?

Vstefans: Agree with you.

Like much of caregiving, there are many variables here. In Emily's case, it seems like there would be few people who would attend a funeral and her years of caregiving have sapped the energy required to plan services. I appreciate vstefans' point about closure for those left, but it seems like Emily is the only one left who might need this. Eddie had the luxury of asking his dad about his choices. That is not possible for those of us caring for someone with advanced dementia. My mom has not had any visitors other than me, my children and grandchildren for a long time. When my dad died more than eight years ago, his funeral was attended by several hundred of their friends, former co-workers and family. Since then, all of mom and dad's siblings have died except for one, many cousins have died, two nieces have died, and most friends are either deceased or in care facilities. My only sibling has not spoken to mom since shortly after dad died. We will have services for mom because I think that is what she would want, but I do not expect many attendees, especially if the weather is poor. Time changes things.

I understand your struggle on this. It's a hard decision. You, we as caregivers, are actively grieving while caring for an aging loved one - we are going through the funeral process in real-time - everyday - until the person actually passes away. And with you doing all the legwork as the caregiver only to then shell out money for a funeral and after party/gathering, where they'll be food to pay, for attendees who didn't spend time with your mother - no time - but are there because they feel it's the right thing to do yet they didn't think it was the right thing to spend time with your mother in her last years/months/days and yet they still feel obligated to say "Sorry for your loss..." while enjoying the food you just bought them. This would not sit well with me and I'm in a very similar position as you. My mother is homebound due to her medical conditions. Her only companionship is me and the relief caregiver I have come in once a week. You need to do what's right - for you as you'll be the one left to pick-up the pieces to move on with your life. Will these people who are not involved in your mother's life be there for you after your mother passes away? You'll need support to help you deal with the loss of your mother. Don't feel guilty if you decide a funeral is not best for your situation. And don't let others sway you after you've made the decision.

Emily, I'm speaking to you as a person who with my husband planned my mom's funeral entirely without input from my dad... He is the person we are caring for now. daddy wanted nothing to do with it He was very specific on who he wanted there. basically no one even though mom was an extremely social person. Daddy didn't know her circle of friends and didn't want to get to know them. He would have rather skipped the whole thing mom had Alzheimer's for years and we were with her every day for all of those decades and final years when she really went over the proverbial cliff. We had been grieving the entire time already. For the few people who were allowed to attend the ceremony, maybe some of them were able to find closure, but that was quite expensive for us to provide for them when we would have rather had a family meal and discussed memories of mom in her younger years. We were the people who were there for her in the end, everyone else lived close by the memory care unit but were mostly too busy to visit. In retrospect, especially knowing my mother was a woman of unwavering faith, I truly believe we should have skipped the funeral. we should have taken a family vacation instead. Her mother had already paid for her plot, but we could have had a private burial and avoided all the extra expense. The guy we hired to give a speech was supposedly a professional and got many aspects of Mom's life mixed up...it was almost as though we had a used car salesman speaking on behalf of my precious most accomplished mother. He forgot to mention she was valedictorian in both high school and college. He forgot to mention she was first clarinet in the Sacramento Symphony for many years. he said things she did that she never did. It was awful my husband had to dig his fingernails into his chair to keep from tackling this buffoon. That person by the way was suggested to us by the funeral home, as were the florist etc. This is all about money for them. Funerals are a huge cash cow at a time when family members are too bereaved to care about their financial situation moving forward. Mom would have wanted us to save that money for the grandchildren's college education...or whatever they might desire. She would have wanted us to use that money to improve the lives of her loved ones because it was her belief that once her body gave in, she was with her loving Heavenly Father. I have no doubt there is a place of honor in heaven for her. Anyway just to sum this up, I think the funeral home business like the long term care industry is just one more way our seniors and their bereaved loved ones are ripped off at the weakest point in their lives. The long term care insurance company CNA had gotten my parents somehow decades ago on the hook. After mom died my husband had a heart attack. We assume my dad who has dementia threw away the mail when they sent the bills out and we got cancelled. Per my calculations, we paid them over $250,000 and we're never late one time in the decades we paid. When I realized I hadn't seen a bill from them or even a phone call, they had several phone numbers to contact us and they did not try even once!!! I contacted them. They said there was nothing they could do. 25 years of paying on time and it was about $7,000 every year... I would have done everything differently. I would suggest to you that you do some soul searching and ask yourself who are we really doing the funeral for? Only you can answer that for yourself. I wish you all the luck in moving forward and really do sympathize with your position and I can say that because I've been there. Caregiving is the hardest job in the world, the only guarantee is it will get harder. Take care hang in there God bless.

If possible, it is far better for the elder to preplan their funeral. I went with my mother to do and it turned out to be quite humorous when she daud "

Continued..
When she said "I think I"ll be more comfortable in that one." (Casket or other related item). I said "how will you know?!!!"

Many people don't care
Rach

Just had a favored teacher die. The woman was 87. She was an only child. Her "niece" was actually a God daughter. There were no funeral services. The obit said private.

I am leaning towards a memorial service. My mother has deteriorated and I prefer for people to remember her when she was healthier.

Mom was always one with perfect hair and perfect clothes and she did not want people seeing her dead in a box. So her body went to the University of Buffalo Medical School. She DID want a church service, and a meal afterward for those attending (Pure Italian!). We are sticking to her wishes, nice service, lots of singing and music and food.

As an update to my original answer. We just returned from Las Vegas where I fulfilled my mother's last wish......some ashes be spread on The Strip.

I found a perfect spot that had her favorite palm trees and white rocks. When I spread the tiny bag of ashes, they blended in with the rocks. We went back the next day, and I took photos of the view she will enjoy forever. It looks straight down the strip. She would have loved the place I found. You could not even see the ashes the next morning. Every time we return, a part of her will be waiting for us.

Our circumstances are similar. I care for my 96-year old mother who lives with advanced Alzheimer's disease. She has no other family or children and I am single with no family of my own. I have a few cousins on my father's side none of whom I have seen or spoken with in years. Since I have no one to invite to a formal funeral service, I recently pre-arranged to have my mother buried next to my father to whom she was married for 56 years without attendees or clergy. My mother was never a religious woman. Once I made the arrangements, I felt much better. It is better to this before hand I feel to avoid having to make arrangements later while grieving. I have no regrets that I am not doing more for more mother because there is nothing more that I can do for her. Besides, I show my love her every day by providing her the best care I can for the past seven years. I don't need a formal funeral to my feelings. Coincidentally, my mother's name is also Emily.

I'm another "funerals are for the living" believer. DH and I once had a general conversation about funerals, graves, cremation etc. I told him I just didn't get the whole tradition; esp being buried the the ground. He said "so that the people who loved you can visit you there". I replied "but I'm not there". Remember me visiting the places I loved. Walk the beach, ski a slope - heck, play my favorite machine at my favorite casino! Burn my empty shell and if you need a specific place to visit me - scatter the ashes at a place we loved together.

Nansacola - I love it!!! I once told my hubby to toss my ashes off the roof of the Bellagio. We had eloped and honeymooned there - it was right after 9/11 and the place was deserted so they upgraded us to a penthouse suite! It was the most romantic, happiest time of my life.

My Husband's father passed on Jan 9, 2015 and my father passed on Jan 28, 2015. My husband did not attend either funeral. He said it would be too emotional for him. I respected his decision.

I am of the belief that whatever makes you feel comfortable is OK. Personally, I am not one to go to the cemetery etc. My sister goes weekly and I respect that. My feeling is that once you are gone, you live in the minds and hearts of those who loved you. Others must do what feels right to them & we really shouldn't judge.

I have responded on this thread before and still pretty much feel that way..but today I have to say...what I would really like to do is just for it all to be over when it's over...I am so ashamed to say that...but after this week...and the one before...I am just not remotely wanting to think of having to go through all the hoopla just because the general population thinks you should....The general population sure hasn't been here through any of it...I have been...I have no regrets...all her family and friends who would attend are, for the most part, already passed...why put myself through all that...especially the folks who think by drifting by and hugging me and saying.. "sorry for your loss"...will erase the memory that they were NOT here through the past four + years....or a lot of years before when she could have enjoyed their company...

My Mom's already planned and paid so it will be the service she wanted.. BUT don't expect me to go above and beyond for my siblings...

I'm the one who will be in contact with the funeral home it will be the standard .. Next day in the paper followed by wake 4-8, mass next morning, straight to cemetery. If my out of state siblings need travel time, I say tough crap...

assandache7....know what you mean...was thinking of this as well...have some family, who in fact, came right past our street during Thanksgiving and did not bother to come see Mama...It almost broke my heart...I am just thankful she doesn't know it....But they live over 10 hours away..like you said, I'm guessing I will hear the whole "we need to wait til they can get here.."...nope..won't happen. I'm going to do what I have to do to get through it..and that is it..Afterwards, all I want to do is find somewhere quiet where I can pull myself together....I won't be planning anything around all the people who were so inconsiderate and couldn't be bothered to just stop by for a few minutes..

Dad died Nov 2nd and I was going to do something after his cremation & decided not to because Mom and my Husband needed so much care. It was a hard 4 years.
So I am about to give up the idea.

126Cher, my heart goes out to you, it is really hard to have so much going on with other caregiving needs to not even have time or energy to mark your own Dad's passing the way you might want to. Don't give up, just postpone if you have to. My FILs ashes waited quite a while with us before we were able to get them back to his other son to take back to Poland. It still meant something to my hubby when we finally got that done. We had a little service for ourselves right in the middle of trying to deal with their house and with Mutti (MIL) who was in a geropsych unit.

I started this conversation because I did not want to deal with all the "sorry for your loss" from people who did not care enough to even know what I was actually going through everyday. Compared to what most of you are going through my journey has been a short one (a little over 9 months). Mom passed the day after Christmas. The nurse said it could have been a few days earlier. I asked Mom if she could hold on so I wouldn't have the memory of losing her on Christmas. She WAS Christmas in our home. I'd like to think she heard me. I was there as she took her last breath. I am so grateful to have ended our journey together. I decided to go ahead with the "dog and pony" show as I think someone called it. (I agree on that). Had no regrets until now, did not want to have this be a possible regret. Thought of the scene in It's a Wonderful Life where everyone is praying for George Baily. Hoping to put it out there for some good thoughts sent my way for strength to get through this day. And hugs to all of you caregivers giving so much of yourselves. Only those of us actually doing it know how much it takes from us. Not just the daily work but the pain of watching our loved ones suffering.

Emily, I am not going to write that phrase that you don't want to hear, but I am going to say that I think you have handled your journey in the right way for you and your mom. You should absolutely have no regrets regardless of what you do from this point forward. You were there for your mom when she needed you and that is what counts.

I have decided not to have a funeral for my mom, she is still alive and has Alzheimer's. My dad is buried in the VA cemetery in our state. She wants to be buried with him. Since none of my brothers keep in touch and all of her friends have past away or she has lost contact with them there would be no one to attend except for my husband and myself. Sometimes I feel guilty about it but I just don't want to put myself through the extra stress of planning something and no one comes.

Hi so agree with you Debsrockyroad, by Dad passed away Nov.2, 2015 with no funeral and not having one for Mom after she dies. She is mean and nasty and I am done killing myself for her. She destroyed Christmas for us the last 4 years and now we think that she stressed Dad so much that she was one of the reasons that he passed. 91 with Alzheimer's or Dementia or something...who knows

Mean she is the one with Dementia. Done Done Done

That is the most proper response. I had people who never gave me any words of consolation nor went up to the casket! Yet, these people claimed to be my mother's "good" friends! What a load of BS!

Emily...my sincere sympathy to you on the loss of your Mom...When I read your post, I decided I had to share my own on this matter. I have posted on this thread before...I think I may have posted two different views on this issue..and I had pretty much decided I was not going to go through with the full blown funeral service as well.

My own sweet Mama passed away Dec 18, just her and me here...I was holding her hand and telling her I was there, when she just very peacefully left this earth....For a few seconds I just sat here because she went so peacefully it was almost surreal that all of the past four years of so much sadness, hurt, lonliness, etc. just all of a sudden ended.

I did decide, like you, to have a funeral service...and I have to be totally honest now that I am so glad I did. While there were the standard far folks who came by with all the concolences when I never laid eyes on them during the four years when Mama would have loved to have seen them...I think the biggest thing is I was able to do this for Mama, and it also helped me and my brother let go a little as well.

I even did Mama's makeup and hair because I wanted her to look like Mama..not overly made up, hair styled wrong, etc...I have to say her going home celebration was perfect in every aspect of the word and it was a great comfort to me and to all those who loved her...I'm soooo glad I did this for her...Even though I know the past four years would have been all she would have wanted...I just found myself wanting to do this for her..and wanted it to be nice...perfect even, and it was. The chaplain even included what I wrote for him in her eulogy...the entire thing...The whole service was so loving and personal and Mama was so youthful looking and happy...so at peace...thank God I decided to do this...I pray you find comfort as well..and again, my deepest sympathy to you and your family...

My deepest sympathies on your loss Emily. You will get through it as you have the past while with your mother.

I have considered this and though mother withdrew from her church last year and stated that she did not want a service there, she did not offer an alternative. I know she wants to be cremated and the remains buried back home (across the country) next to my father, but a service there would be pointless as no one would remember our family. I think for the family and any friends that remain, a service here at a nice funeral home is the answer. I would use the one that we used for my son which has a lovely treed setting in the edge of the city.

My best prayers for the next week and all you have to do. Please come back and let us know how you are. ((((((hugs)))))

Mom doesn't have much family (only about 6 of us are nearby) and at 101, all her friends are gone. She has moved from IL to AL and now to a nursing home so any friends she made are long forgotten. We plan to have a cremation and an obit, and then just have a graveside dedication in the spring. She always refused to discuss what she wanted but knowing her, she hated wakes and viewings, so this is what she might want.