I am recovering from years of caring for a sick husband and just as I was beginning to adjust to widowhood my elderly cantankerous mother needs care. She is stubborn and refuses professional help and I have never considered her a "loved one". More so now. I am sliding into burnout, what I call 'twhat next" syndrome where the least hint of a problem becomes a mountain over which I have to force myself to climb.
Gets a full grump on and is utterly vile for the rest of the day
Says:
Noone asked her to....I had my granddaughter living here (this is true but my daughter had a full mental breakdown from mothers attitude and I stepped in to prevent her from getting worse)
Says loudly:
Pay her? of course I pay her! she robs me blind never pays for a thing herself. Well this is also somewhat true BUT it cost me all the equity I had in my house over the last 5 years to stay at home to look after her and up until about 6 months ago I was paying all the bills too yet no income - you go figure because I clearly was very stupid.
My mothers 'pay' as she calls it consists of living here rent free and she provides food for the meals. I do all of the rest of the care from shopping on line finding gardeners, decorators etc as well as all POA stuff and hospital etc all personal hygeine, and obviously cooking cleaning washing ironing. She did not buy my car she does not pay the running costs of it sorry went into a rant there.
All I trying to say is please have a look round at the carers in here and see what they are up against. You have to either
WANT to do it because you love your mum dearly - let's cross that one out then!
Enjoy doing it because she's such a sweety - nah scratch that one
You may lose financially if all her estate gets spent on care - I gave to say there is a grain of truth in that one for me but only because I have invested 40K of my own money into the house - new kitch/bathroom etc
You are under pressure from siblings to care for your parent - Erm Hello lets share shall we or she goes into care - then thats up to them
You promised someone you would care - hands up here to that one and if you did get counselling now - what you promised is to provide her with the best care you can get for her - and if that isnt you then by putting her into care you have fulfilled your responsibility. And when/if you have guilt feelings about it,come back on here and join the rest of us who have either been brave enough or wise enough to do it or stupid enough (like me) not to or who are feeling awkward at the mere thought that time is approaching
Try to distance yourself long enough to consider this sanely with your head and lock the door on the emotional gremlin who says you can do it - in fact I would burn his tail right down to the bone!
Birdie8, you needed help, and instead you got ranted at, and I am sorry that happened on here.
There is absolutely no reason on gods earth why when I have taken on a full 168 hour a week role as a carer and have given up my job to do so that I should be expected to do this for absolutely nothing AND PAY RENT AND BILLS which I did for 5 years. I have done so because my mother wouldnt pay for carers - refused point blank and as her POA I have to abiude by her wishes that does not mean I agree with them and I am entitled to an opinon and to voice that opinion. I cannot however live on thin air.
Gets a full grump on and is utterly vile for the rest of the day - this is an English expression which means in this case if mother does not get her own way 100% of the time then she becomes moody and is very unpleasant to me
My daughter's breakdown was caused by my mother's constant demands which left my daughter deprived of sleep and holding down a full time job
I can assure you - not that I personally give a damn whether you like it or not - that I have receipts for every penny I spend and it is totally recorded too should anyone ever wish to see it. My mother thinks that I am wasting her money when I buy her a protective covered mattress or pay a gardener or pay a plumber and that is why she says I spend her money - I have to as she no longer has capacity
I have invested 40K of my own money into the house - new kitch/bathroom etc because the old one would not allow my mum access to either place until it was done and she refused to pay for it so as a DUTY OF CARE to her safety I paid for it to be done - however when or if mum has to go into care the state will take the entire house and I will be made homeless which should please you immensely I imagine
Finally the emotional gremlin who says you can do it is a ral danger to the elderly for if you cannot leave your emotions behind and care properly with your head then you would be a danger because you need focus to and strength of mind not emotion to do much of the caring that is required of you.
Finally Shelly I do have to say that should I be looking after you then I agree euthenasia is something I would want ... FOR ME
I am utterly delighted to tell you that you are wrong Shelly..euthenasia as defined is the practice of intentionally ending a life in order to relieve pain and suffering. It's other name is assisted suicide if I choose euthenasia then I am asking someone else to do the deed. Should I opt to kill myself then that my dear is suicide. I will quite gladly let you explain to my mother that you think I should commit suicide - I am sure she will apreciate your full understanding of our relationship... then you can perhaps explain it to the police for this is cyber bullying
She still has a real strong heart, it's cause she's never been on medication/s. She wakes up every hour during the night and doesn't remember in the morning. It's hard, but I guess I'm paying back. I thought I was the good kid, maybe I'm paying cause I'm her only unmarried child. I retired to take care of her, but I kind of regret it. Does anybody have ideas as to how I can feel better, besides Praying?
Anyway, it's nice to air out! Right?
The current model is unsustainable. Give yourself a raise or find your replacement. The past is over, and the money you spent on the house/bills is gone, never to return.
Chose a good time of the day for her, and inform her that you are broke, and therefore starting the first of the month you will be charging $ (fair rate -- maybe $500/week+ room & board). If this is unacceptable to her she is welcome to hire your replacement, and you BOTH start interviewing agencies and getting price lists (care isn't free! OVER $100/day?).
Either she finds a new care solution (you win!) or she pays you (sorta win --not what you are worth, & you won't regain what you've spent, but you'll earn enough that you won't be bankrupt).
The POA is revokable, so be prepared to apply for legal guardianship in the future (do NOT let any nice, helpful private agency do this and "take care of everything for you"--- as much as you may be "over it").
In light of potential court scrutiny, make sure anything you do with her & money is DOCUMENTED. Paying yourself as caregiver yes, but not extravagantly, and not more than an agency. Trying to get back what you've already spent? NO! Court is likely to take a dim view of that & consider it financial abuse of an elder (ironic, huh! No agency protects caregivers from abuse...)