I am recovering from years of caring for a sick husband and just as I was beginning to adjust to widowhood my elderly cantankerous mother needs care. She is stubborn and refuses professional help and I have never considered her a "loved one". More so now. I am sliding into burnout, what I call 'twhat next" syndrome where the least hint of a problem becomes a mountain over which I have to force myself to climb.
So many on this thread are dealing with teribly large amounts of emotional pain and baggage and doing so alone. You are my hero's. I know you are not doing it for my appreciation or respect, nevertheless you have both. Please carers, take care of YOU first. Otherwise, what is left of you to help another? Its like putting on your own oxygen mask on a plane before you help your child. makes total rational sense, even if the heart might say otherwise.
It smells like poo doesnt it
I can smell wee
(Now she is anosmic so she couldnt smell either)
These people are all old (she was almost the oldest)
They just sit and sleep all afternoon - mmm Hello mum so do you sometimes
Im glad Im not like them (well actually.....)
Im not coming here...
Now if that changes I will be homeless but hey I am gonna come out and do a round US tour giving you all a break and when I have done I'll start again!!!
Jude, is your mom on any antidepressant medication? Has anyone given that any consideration?
I don't know how you guys can do it, having your mothers live with you. My grandma lived with us when I was growing up and it was awful. She wanted things her way, complained she was lonely all the time ( causing my mom to say, what am i, chopped liver?). My mother is both far better cared for and HAPPIER in the nh than she could possibly be with any one of her children.
No, you will not feel guilty during respite if you do your due diligence to make sure the care mom needs is arranged and carefully thought out.
No, Jude it is not abuse to your Mom for making her go, it is abuse to both of you if you do not take these breaks! How do you like them apples?!
When you take her do not tell her where you are going. No forwarning is necessary! And Jude, my question for you is:
What will you do on your return if Mom has enjoyed herself? What is she told you she wanted to stay? It could happen, so be prepared.
Scenario first and then question - when I go to my 'training' next week I am going to ask this question so I need answer.
You are caring one on one for a mother you love but who is demanding and difficult for most of the time. The doctors say you MUST have 6 weeks respite a year. Your mother flat refuses to pay saying 'what do you need that for and then adds to anyone who will listen ' I dont want to be a burden to my daughter but she wants to leave me in a home'. She has dementia and you are her full POA.
Can you pay for it on her behalf?
Answer YES or NO
Will you as the carer feel guilty for the entire duration of your respite?
Answer YES or NO
Finally given the above scenario and given that you decided that you could pay for respite from her finances.
Is forcing her into respite care abuse if in her more lucid moments she has said she will not go?
Answer YES or NO
If you answered NO to question 3 how would you set about physically dealing with that
Guessed why I need those answers? Oh yes battle 2 of respite about to begin
a bit of joy. You sound like a kind person, and you have a lot on your plate.
It is so easy for me to say "take care of yourself," yet we all know that is hard
to do.
Give us the grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed, Courage
to change the things which should be changed,
And the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.
My mother was young obviously but is now elderly and frail
Accept this as I cannot change it
She is and always has been cantankerous and this wont change now she has dementia
Accept this as I cannot change it
She now needs care
Accept this as I cannot change it
She is stubborn and refuses to pay for professional help
I am going to try to get the courage to address this with her
I love her
This hopefully will give me the serenity I need
I dont like her
Gain the courage and strength to cahnge my thinking in the future as I cannot change the past
The trouble is having the wisdom to know the difference isnt easy
Bless you!
The current model is unsustainable. Give yourself a raise or find your replacement. The past is over, and the money you spent on the house/bills is gone, never to return.
Chose a good time of the day for her, and inform her that you are broke, and therefore starting the first of the month you will be charging $ (fair rate -- maybe $500/week+ room & board). If this is unacceptable to her she is welcome to hire your replacement, and you BOTH start interviewing agencies and getting price lists (care isn't free! OVER $100/day?).
Either she finds a new care solution (you win!) or she pays you (sorta win --not what you are worth, & you won't regain what you've spent, but you'll earn enough that you won't be bankrupt).
The POA is revokable, so be prepared to apply for legal guardianship in the future (do NOT let any nice, helpful private agency do this and "take care of everything for you"--- as much as you may be "over it").
In light of potential court scrutiny, make sure anything you do with her & money is DOCUMENTED. Paying yourself as caregiver yes, but not extravagantly, and not more than an agency. Trying to get back what you've already spent? NO! Court is likely to take a dim view of that & consider it financial abuse of an elder (ironic, huh! No agency protects caregivers from abuse...)
She still has a real strong heart, it's cause she's never been on medication/s. She wakes up every hour during the night and doesn't remember in the morning. It's hard, but I guess I'm paying back. I thought I was the good kid, maybe I'm paying cause I'm her only unmarried child. I retired to take care of her, but I kind of regret it. Does anybody have ideas as to how I can feel better, besides Praying?
Anyway, it's nice to air out! Right?