I am recovering from years of caring for a sick husband and just as I was beginning to adjust to widowhood my elderly cantankerous mother needs care. She is stubborn and refuses professional help and I have never considered her a "loved one". More so now. I am sliding into burnout, what I call 'twhat next" syndrome where the least hint of a problem becomes a mountain over which I have to force myself to climb.
Bless you!
Give us the grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed, Courage
to change the things which should be changed,
And the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.
My mother was young obviously but is now elderly and frail
Accept this as I cannot change it
She is and always has been cantankerous and this wont change now she has dementia
Accept this as I cannot change it
She now needs care
Accept this as I cannot change it
She is stubborn and refuses to pay for professional help
I am going to try to get the courage to address this with her
I love her
This hopefully will give me the serenity I need
I dont like her
Gain the courage and strength to cahnge my thinking in the future as I cannot change the past
The trouble is having the wisdom to know the difference isnt easy
a bit of joy. You sound like a kind person, and you have a lot on your plate.
It is so easy for me to say "take care of yourself," yet we all know that is hard
to do.
Scenario first and then question - when I go to my 'training' next week I am going to ask this question so I need answer.
You are caring one on one for a mother you love but who is demanding and difficult for most of the time. The doctors say you MUST have 6 weeks respite a year. Your mother flat refuses to pay saying 'what do you need that for and then adds to anyone who will listen ' I dont want to be a burden to my daughter but she wants to leave me in a home'. She has dementia and you are her full POA.
Can you pay for it on her behalf?
Answer YES or NO
Will you as the carer feel guilty for the entire duration of your respite?
Answer YES or NO
Finally given the above scenario and given that you decided that you could pay for respite from her finances.
Is forcing her into respite care abuse if in her more lucid moments she has said she will not go?
Answer YES or NO
If you answered NO to question 3 how would you set about physically dealing with that
Guessed why I need those answers? Oh yes battle 2 of respite about to begin
No, you will not feel guilty during respite if you do your due diligence to make sure the care mom needs is arranged and carefully thought out.
No, Jude it is not abuse to your Mom for making her go, it is abuse to both of you if you do not take these breaks! How do you like them apples?!
When you take her do not tell her where you are going. No forwarning is necessary! And Jude, my question for you is:
What will you do on your return if Mom has enjoyed herself? What is she told you she wanted to stay? It could happen, so be prepared.
Jude, is your mom on any antidepressant medication? Has anyone given that any consideration?
I don't know how you guys can do it, having your mothers live with you. My grandma lived with us when I was growing up and it was awful. She wanted things her way, complained she was lonely all the time ( causing my mom to say, what am i, chopped liver?). My mother is both far better cared for and HAPPIER in the nh than she could possibly be with any one of her children.
It smells like poo doesnt it
I can smell wee
(Now she is anosmic so she couldnt smell either)
These people are all old (she was almost the oldest)
They just sit and sleep all afternoon - mmm Hello mum so do you sometimes
Im glad Im not like them (well actually.....)
Im not coming here...
Now if that changes I will be homeless but hey I am gonna come out and do a round US tour giving you all a break and when I have done I'll start again!!!
So many on this thread are dealing with teribly large amounts of emotional pain and baggage and doing so alone. You are my hero's. I know you are not doing it for my appreciation or respect, nevertheless you have both. Please carers, take care of YOU first. Otherwise, what is left of you to help another? Its like putting on your own oxygen mask on a plane before you help your child. makes total rational sense, even if the heart might say otherwise.